Comedy Open Mic Round 32 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 34 - He Was A Hero Of The Clown Wars.

You Know Who Doesn't Get Enough Recognition? I've just stolen this idea from @profanereviews and will repurpose it. I only steal from the best and then modify it slightly to avoid accusations of plagiarism. So here goes.

I'll tell you who doesn't get the recognition they deserve. It's actors. That's right. Some of these poor bastards can go a whole week without attending an awards ceremony. Imagine how soul destroying it is when you pretend to be something you aren't and then don't receive at least a nomination for pretending. Despite that Anne Hathaway, yes THE Anne Hathaway, has recently brought to my attention the following fact. Every black person spends 100% of their whole life in fear of being killed. As a white man I was surprised to hear that. All of the black people I know were as well. There they were sitting in their living rooms and kitchens unaware they should be taking cover and constantly moving to avoid gun fire and snipers. It must have slipped their memories that they live in constant fear. The unfortunate Anne Hathaway didn't have an awards ceremony to go to, but she took time out of her busy pretending schedule to let black people know they are constantly in fear. Given the huge sacrifices she's made I think we should start the Anne Hathaway Awards Ceremony. Then every week we'll give Anne Hathaway an award for just being Anne Hathaway. Plus a special award for her sterling work in telling people exactly how they feel about everything.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Dain Yoon)

"You're registered so now you can use the megalink." Pip declared cheerfully.
Jake didn't feel quite so cheery, having discovered he had a total of 27 different DNA profiles on his right hand. Now that stuff didn't mix well so there'd probably be a lot of other profiles spread all over his body.
"How often do they clean those sex booths?" He inquired in a neutral tone.
"Once a day. They bring them down into the maintenance tunnels and give em a good scrub. Not that the users mind either way. The machines are obsessed with hygiene. Never used one me self but I hear they're lovely and soft inside."
"Oh good." Jake replied sarcastically.
"And moist. It's the lubricant. Wouldn't want the users getting hurt. Unless that's what gets them off I suppose. It's not something I think about."
"Funny that, because right now it's all I can think about. That and where can I clean myself off. It's starting to become crusty."
"Never mind. Build up a bit of a sweat and it'll be all sticky again. It's the gift that keeps on giving."
"I'm still not feeling it. Are you sure there's nowhere I can clean myself up?"
"Yes I am. Look on the bright side. Think of it as a disguise. They can identify and track you using DNA. How they gonna find you if you're 27 different kinds of DNA. They won't even know if your human or otherwise."
Jake was shocked out of his spiral into ewww.
"Define what an otherwise is."
"Well you know. Not human."
"So aliens. You have aliens here?"
"Oh yes. We got aliens. Only none of them would use a sex booth. It's all wrong for how they reproduce and they are only permitted in certain areas. Not everyone has the same sexual tastes though. Some people are a bit exotic like that. If they want some real good booth sex with Fido or Mittens that's entirely up to them. I heard tell there's special ones you can get a horse in. I'd love to see that. Wouldn't you?"
"Ummmmm. NO. I suppose if we'd waited a few minutes before climbing into that lift that sex booth would have been completely cleaned."
"Oh yeah. Definitely. But we'd have got very wet. It started to rain remember."
"Of course why didn't I think of that. It's so much better being smothered in bodily fluids than water. I keep forgetting for some reason."
Another train or passenger transport vehicle or whatever, passed on the opposite side.
"Don't worry Jake. I'll keep reminding you if you like."
"When is our ride due in anyway?"
"Not for another 15 minutes."
"Why is that? I've seen two going in the opposite direction."
"It's the end of the day. Those ones take people back to the megapolitan area. That's big and important. Bristol is a backwater. Tiny place. Barely five million people live in the place. Only a couple of shuttles there and back every day."
"Excuse me? Five million people live in Bristol? And that's tiny? What would you call a big city for God's sake?"
"We call it a megapolis."
Jake still wasn't sure if Pip was being purposely obtuse.
"How many people in a megapolis?"
"Oh. That varies. London, that's 125 million. More or less. Beijing, that's over 400 million. Edinburgh's tiny by comparison. Less than 20 million people there."
Those numbers simply didn't feel right. Jake let them slide though. Just then there was a squawk from some kind of PA system he assumed. Then a voice rattled off something in a language he'd never heard before.
"What did that just say?" He asked his companion.
"Oh I knew I'd forgotten something. You won't know Sinanglic, Hispanglic or Tchinti so you'll need this." She reached into her pocket and pulled out an earpiece, handing it to Jake. Who gave it a cursory examination before slipping it into his right ear. There was a sensation of intense cold from it.
"Is this some kind of universal translator?"
"It's a translator but not universal. It's only got a few dozen of the most spoken languages. It does translate them though."
"Cool." Jake felt a lot more space age now he'd be able to communicate with whoever he had to communicate with. "So it's like the fictional babel fish of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."
"Babel fish ain't fictional and you don't want to have anything to do with em. Definitely don't go sticking one in your ear. Best for you if you never see a babel fish."
"Fine. Not sure what Hermes will make of this new tech in my ear hole."
Pip brightened considerably at that comment.
"That's right you got the famous Hermes with you. He's straight out of the myths and legends of the weave. Can't wait to meet him. So to speak."
Jake knew he had to stamp on this immediately.
"Two things. First if you tell Hermes he's a famous legend I will definitely punch you, even though you're a girl. Secondly why the hell is he famous?"
Pip made a face at him.
"Mostly because he's one of the few advanced mobile AI systems that hasn't butchered millions."
"Surely that can't be his only claim to fame."
"Pretty much. That and he was a hero of the Clown Wars."
"You mean Clones."
"No. It was clowns. They might have been clones of clowns but they were unquestionably clowns. The most evil creation in history. I seen the vids. At first they didn't see the danger of all them little ships breaking down on the planets. Then hordes of them sprung out and slaughtered their way across several solar systems."
"You're making that up."
"I am not. There's a museum in every city dedicated to those who fell in the Clown Wars. Heroes every one of them. Imagine an army of clowns bearing down on you. Makes me shudder at the thought."
"Sorry I'm still going to fact check you. Remember though, not a word to Hermes about him being famous, legendary or heroic." A thought struck him. "Anyway, I'm The Wanderer. So machines keep telling me. I must be as famous."
Pip shook her head her ponytail flapping from side to side quite violently.
"First, it remains to be seen whether you are The Wanderer. You might be closely related to them and have all the same genetic markers but that wouldn't make you The Wanderer. Second The Wanderer isn't famous so much as infamous. It's an archetype more than a person."
Information on this topic had been so sparse it might pay to dig this seam for all he could get.
"So Pip tell me about this wanderer. I'd love to hear all you know. Then I could confirm or deny that I am he."
"I can't. It would distort the narrative. Nice try though. Stupid little kid won't know to keep her mouth shut. You couldn't torture any more out of me."
He considered that claim.
"Oh I bet I could. Only I'm not going to. It would distort the narrative. Whatever that means. Any sign of our Bristol shuttle?"
"It'll be here in a couple of minutes."

That was the case. The shuttle duly arrived and now Jake wished he'd paid more attention. The damn thing didn't stop. As soon as it entered the station its doors opened but it kept moving at a slow walking pace. Gliding along the platform. He copied Pip and stepped aboard as it passed. Jake even quipped about it not being safe for the elderly. Pip gave him an odd look. One which she retained when they took their seats. As their shuttle entered the tunnel at the other end she asked what exactly an elderly person was. Jake explained about health and safety and how the elderly had to be careful not to fall over. Pip still didn't understand. There were indeed people who were very old. That you couldn't argue with. They never became elderly though. Their bodies would always remain at their physical peak. Should that be 18, 25 or whatever age you reached it. Sickness and disability had been wiped out long ago. The diseases of aging a few decades after that. Currently, as it stood on this planet earth, nobody ever died of natural causes. You could only every die of unnatural causes and the odds were good that they'd bring you back to life. Which explained the size of the cities. Theoretically the people of this world had eternal life. With one caveat. You had to remain in one of the mega cities or its close environs.

They'd barely finished that conversation when the PA announced that they were arriving at Bristol where the shuttle would terminate. It couldn't have been much more than ten minutes since they'd first stepped aboard. This didn't feel like Britain. It felt more like Japan. The Bristol terminal was completely empty except for them. At this point Pip revealed they wouldn't be setting foot in Bristol proper. It would lead to too many questions apparently. They'd be exiting outside the city and then proceeding on foot. This entailed the repetition of their previous crime. Where Pip found a hatch and hacked the lock. Down into a replica of the small tunnel they'd emerged from. Once there their route differed from the first time. The two of them made their way downwards until they reached a floor of some sort. It was impossible to be sure of anything with the low lighting and the huge space they were in. There they entered another tube that then carried them to the surface. There before them was another domed conurbation. Larger than the Dover one by a big margin.

"Where are we headed to now? If that's not another unanswerable question."
"We've got to meet up with Itchyelbow."
Jake smirked.
"Sorry? Itchy elbow?"
"Yeah that's right. It's all one name though. What's so funny about Itchyelbow?"
"Nothing. I suppose. Is he any relation to Itchycock by any chance?" He chuckled at his sparkling wit.
"No Itchycock is a lovely woman. Runs a major shipping line. Itchyelbow is a real bastard. He'll stab us in the back for an extra credit. The swindling bastard. He's in with the feds. He feeds them information and in return they turn a blind eye to all his crimes."
"So not a good guy to have any dealings with. Tell me again why we're having dealings with him."
"He's got the Scarlet Harlot."
"Right. Now is that a person, a bad rash or a thing."
"I'm sure I told ya this. The Scarlet Harlot is our ship. It was confiscated when the captain and the crew were arrested. Itchyelbow used his contacts in the feds to steal her. She should have been impounded. By the way mind what you say, the Badrash family don't kindly to being joked about." Jake was about to deliver another witty gem, only Pip stamped all over it. "Petronella Cockrash is not a relative and neither is Lemuel Dickrot although they have had dealings with one another. It's a small community."
"Do you know something Pip, sometimes you take all the fun out of being an asshole."

I would like to nominate @magnata and @blanchy for the next round.