Comedy Open Mic Round 31 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER (Entry #2): Part 30 - Jake's Semi-heroic Actions.

Some say you can't beat a peach. Others say you can't beat a pineapple. They are both completely wrong. Nothing beats a coconut. Nobody has ever been killed by a lone pineapple. It's got the weight advantage but it doesn't have the armor of the coconut. Falling coconuts kill hundreds of people every year. Pineapples are pathetic in comparison. Even peaches are responsible for more deaths. If you put it up against any other fruit or nut on earth, you cannot beat a coconut. They might not taste as good as strawberries or guava's but they are a lot tougher. Some might claim the Brazil nut is a contender but though they do kill people they have to have the numbers. Trivia on Brazil Nuts: You can eat them then have sex with someone who has a nut allergy and it will kill them through anaphylactic shock. Although it could be almonds. It's definitely not walnuts though.

(The copyright of this image is the property of Dain Yoon)

As Jake helped carry Nadia's luggage to his car he couldn't help noting that for the first time in his life he'd been teetering on the brink of achieving something. Nothing impressive about that, some might think, however he'd shown that running away was a valid strategy. It had worked. Being sneaky and cowardly had won the day. All you needed in any difficult situation was a strategy. Effectively all you needed was an exit strategy. One that could be deployed instantly any sign of danger showed up. If there was ever any indication you could become cornered, then you became a sneaky back stabber. Thanks to him a woman had been saved from a fate worse than death. That was what really mattered here. Not his semi-heroic actions. Actions that became heroic when looked at from the point of view of a spineless yellow-belly. He'd faced his fear and conquered it. How else could you classify this outstanding feat. He'd been frightened of being caught so he'd run away and not been.

Angelique was already sitting in the car when he and Nadia got there. He carried the cases he was lugging to the back and put them down. Nadia had been pretty quiet on the way out. Very nervous and potentially skittish, if he was any judge. Obviously she'd become aware, at some point, that she was no longer in her own dimension. According to his invisible companions it was a far safer and possibly much more advanced place. So this world must seem like the deepest, darkest pit of hell. She took a last look around before setting her own case down and holding out her hand to be shaken.

"Nadia Szymański, Associate Professor of Physics at Gdansk University of Technology. Blue Tau Gamma 7975C thread. I was loosing hope you would show up in time. Despite your friends reassurance. I had no idea how I got here and my firewave inductor does not have the software necessary to function wherever here is."
Hermes buzzed in Jake's ear.
"My internal friend tells me we can sort that out with my firewave. We can give you all the patches you need."
Saying this he pulled the inductor from his pocket.
"Oh you have 7000 series I see. Is very good but I prefer the 2000. Fewer features, but much less bulky."
Indeed it was. She produced something the size of a credit card from her wallet. The two firewaves got very friendly for a couple of seconds. Their interaction looking disturbingly sexual.
"I'll have to take your word for that Professor Szymanski. I was born and raised on this shit hole planet."
"You have my deepest sympathies Jake, please call me Nadia."
He used the key to pop the trunk. Having forgotten a small detail. Nadia stared at the contents.
"Ah. Right. This might not be what you think it is. Yes those are two dead bodies and I have to admit I killed them. I got a bit over enthusiastic and the situation escalated to the point of fatality. I didn't intend to kill them, it was an unintentional accident."
Nadia deliberately spat on both the men.
"A very happy accident Jake. I was only trying to work out if cases will fit."
"Oh yeah there's loads of room. See you can waggle their heads about and fold them into their chests and the broken arms and legs mean I can make plenty of space. See. We'll fit them in here. No problem."
"Where is other one?"
He pointed towards the far end of the building.
"He's over there. I managed not to kill him. I think. Threw him off the fire escape. More of a push than a throw."
Nadia nodded brusquely.
"Show please."
The two of them headed over to the site of impact. The man was still alive if his muffled moans were anything to go by. The first kick to the nuts Nadia delivered made him squeal a bit, but as the kicks grew in number and ferocity he grew silent.
"Friend of yours?"
"Nie. They try to force me to sell my body when they find I not have necessary papers. Drani."
"Well you've said your goodbye's. Shall we be off?"
"Tak. Where we going?"
Hermes filled him in.
"According to my nanite friend we are intending to go to Blue Alpha Alpha 0000A."
Her eyes grew wide.
"The Prime Node. So I will either be there or back at my time and place of origin. I am in two minds on this. I would like to visit Prime Node, what scientist wouldn't? However I would also prefer I forget everything that happen in this God forsaken place. Was most unpleasant."
"Does everyone know about this stuff except me?"
"Is what you call rhetorical question?"
"No. I'm thinking out aloud. An extraordinary amount of effort has gone into getting me to this point apparently. For the most part I have no idea what is going on. I'm headed off in pursuit of the woman I love, but I don't believe all this is about that."
The Polish woman patted him on the back.
"Is always case for The Wanderer I am told."
His face creased into a puzzled frown.
"You know I'm sure I've heard someone call me that before. Have you any idea what it means." Angelique materialized right beside him. "Jesus Christ you scared me there. Can you not do that please."
The avatar remained silent.
"So is this projection of Geochronometric Array? We are not having one in my world."
"You can see her?"
"Nie.. No. Is almost impossible. I think she is come to stop me from revealing anything I know about The Wanderer."
Angelique shook her head. Why he was getting the silent treatment perplexed him. There it was again though. That alias with its capitalization.
"She's not here about you. Angelique is worried I might say something to you that I shouldn't." The avatar nodded. "You already know all the causal time things. I'm new."
Nadia gave a tight smile.
"I admit I was tempted. Scientific curiosity. Is shame. I wished only to know what happen to break this reality. At first without functioning equipment I am not seeing problems. Then time agents appear. This terrifies me. I think they come for me. But they are so intent on your accomplice they not even scan me. Is why I keep look out."
"I'm pretty sure those time agents have been erased. If you get my meaning."
"Could not be happening to more deserving peoples."
"Hold on a second. I'm going to check something. She gave me a look just then that I need to clarify. Angelique? Am I permitted to tell Nadia what happened here?"
She nodded. Nadia looked excited. That had to be the real her rather than the worn down drudge he'd first encountered.
"Please say is yes."
"Right. I'm not the best person to tell you this, but I'm the only one we've got. It seems that 150 years from now the people of this world discover nothing. Which I am told creates a rapidly expanding universe inside a normal one."
The Polish physicist nodded sagely.
"Yes. The faster light speed will cause this to travel backwards through time creating paradox in causal framework."
Jake imitated some intelligent nodding.
"Pretty much what I was thinking. We should be going now. We can chat in the car as we travel. Do you think that we should call an ambulance for this one?"
"No. Hopefully he will die of exposure like the dog he is."
"I could always lob him in the boot with the other two I suppose. In case they discover him while he's still alive."
"This is not good idea. Injuries are non fatal. He may recover."
"Oh thank God for that. The trunk is roomy but I didn't fancy having to start shifting things about. We could be here all day otherwise."

The two of them made their way back. Angelique was already sitting in the passenger seat. That might present a problem. He'd better warn Nadia not to sit there. In case it broke some futuristic protocol. Jake didn't have to. Nadia was already climbing in the back. They set off immediately. The route already being displayed on the satnav. Now strictly speaking there were four of them in this vehicle. Which might have led to some interesting conversations. It was possible. Anything was possible in an infinite universe. Two of them were mute as far as the physicist was concerned. This could be quite awkward if he allowed it to be.

"Given the circumstances we should have a system here. Nadia, you can't hear either Hermes or Angelique. Pretty sure they can hear you but far from certain."
"There's no need Jake." Angelique interjected. "Having synchronized the firewave inductors we can use them to relay our speech."
Nadia was grinning from ear to ear in the back seat.
"This is news most welcome. My own nanites were disabled in transit from my own dimension. I am hoping they will be recovered."
"It's an absolute pleasure to meet ya Professor Szymański. I am the composite intelligence Hermes. If you set up the scanner on your fire wave I'll gladly take a look at my brothers and sisters. It'll be so nice conversing with someone with an IQ higher than a rotten lettuce."
"Thank you Hermes. That is kind of you. I miss my friend so much."
Jake could sense Hermes was gushing here. Or potentially riding for a fall. He'd let the lettuce insult go for a while. Unless the corporate being got too annoying. It was okay though. Hermes had helped him out back there. At least twice that he knew of.
"And I am Angelique, I know quite a lot about the renowned Professor Szymański, Your mother Natalia developed the neurogenic condenser ." That delicious French accent purred.
Nadia actually blushed.
"I am doomed to live in her shadow I think. My own research work goes so slowly. Perhaps I should admit defeat."
"Your fame will be far greater than your mothers Nadia, your discoveries will eclipse those of the greatest scientists you know of. This will now happen."
"No thanks to him." Hermes exclaimed. "This cabbage was all for leaving you here to vanish into eternity."
The filthy little turncoat. Jake could hardly believe his ears. If that was the route Hermes was using.
"No. No, no, no I.... Yes I suppose. Don't forget I'm from this shit hole planet so everything super science is new to me."
Nadia clasped his shoulder reassuringly.
"I understand completely. You have saved my life here. I have made some friends in this place. There is nothing I can do for them. This makes me sad, but they are gone already. Nothing can change this."
"That's very kind and forgiving of you Nadia. By the way when you got your nanites did they enter your body against your will and then try to sexually assault you while you were sleeping? Using my own hands."
"Will I never hear the end of this?" Hermes groaned.
"Only when something even more embarrassing to you occurs. Even then I reserve the right to bring this up whenever I like. You disloyal turd. Yeah that's right I still haven't forgotten that lump of aluminum you forced out of my ass either."
"That was vital to the success of our mission."
"Granted but the sharp edges and corners weren't."
Nadia was laughing in the back seat. She reached forward and handed Jake a slip of paper. He read it with glee.
"I see you went with a different personality blend than myself Jake. Perhaps this will help you."
He was beaming himself. Holding in the glee as best he could.
"So this will replicate indescribable agony in him? Well that's good to know. I will forever be in your debt Nadia."
"What?" Hermes was rattled. "Agony? Now there's no need to go that far over harmless banter Jake. You know I don't mean it. It's our thing. It's how the two of us roll. You know you wouldn't use it on me. What is it? I demand you tell me what it is."
Jake giggled malevolently.
"It's agony, agony, agony Hermes. Payback is a bitch they say. You're going to find out the hard way if that's true."

I would like to nominate @stokjockey and @bifilarcoil for the next round.