Comedy Open Mic Round 28 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 15 - That's Another Kick In The Nuts.

THIS IS NEWS?

Another in our continuing series entitled This is News? Pictured here is Ed Sheeran, allegedly. The latest news regarding him is that he will not be producing an album next year. That is correct. In common with most other years there have ever been there will not be a new Ed Sheeran album. In further news Ed Sheeran had two shits yesterday. Both were quite firm and only required a single wipe. Mr Sheeran has also been producing a lot of urine recently but puts this down to the warm weather and drinking a lot more fluids. When we approached his representatives for an update on this major news story, they told us to fuck off and get a life. Tomorrow we will reveal that Emilia Clarke sweats when she gets hot and prefers a relaxing bath to a shower. Spoiler alert She's definitely worn shoes and socks, the world deserves to know why.

(The copyright for this image is the property of PA.)

There was a certain something to be said for using sex to christen a boat, as opposed to wasting expensive sparkling wine. Really there wasn't a lot you could say against it. Apart from the lack of a large audience, it was all bonus. The type of christening anybody would be delighted to be invited to. Far more pleasurable for those concerned, went without saying. Yet Jake couldn't see the practice taking off in any big way. You could hardly expect the Queen to do it for example. Purely out of respect for her office, if nothing else. Also, in the aftermath of sexual bliss, he still didn't know what Sharon's boat was called. Thankfully once they'd rocked that particular vessel she explained that it was named Lilith. Who just so happened to be Lucifer's wife, according to the Apocrypha. Lilith was supposed to be Adam's first wife, the one who was made from dust at the same time as Adam rather than the rib one. It didn't work out well between them when Lilith insisted she should be allowed to go on top during intercourse. The first ever marriage led to the first ever divorce and ever since then the former couple had never been on speaking terms.

The two of them lay sweating in the afterglow of sexual congress. Their breath mingling, their eyes slightly unfocused. While champagne could do all that to, it still lay a very distant second in Jake's opinion. He didn't want this to end, but end it must. As with all things. If there is a beginning there must be an end. If only they weren't so close together. He was pretty obtuse and severely unobservant in a lot of ways, Jake wasn't stupid though. This was her way of gently introducing the impending end of their relationship. This was her means of escape, she'd stated. Even a swift glance told him it had been prepared for an imminent voyage, if that was the word. This, just this lying here was taking a toll on Sharon. Now he'd have to hate himself for asking the question gnawing away at him right now.

"Please take me with you?"
Her hand tousled his short hair.
"I can't and I think you know that or you'd have asked before."
"Okay, why not? Why can't I come with you?"
She sat up painfully. He hated himself for doing that to her as well.
"There's only going to be enough energy for a single person transit Jake. I've worked it out a hundred times. Besides which you aren't quite ready yet. There are a few things you have to do before you can follow me."
"Where are you going then?"
"I'm going to Bristol, I hope. You'll understand more shortly. From there you'll find me in The Never, if you look hard enough."
"The Never? Not somewhere I'm familiar with. How can I follow you if I don't know where it is? I haven't got a boat either and I can't sail anyway."
Fuck. Here she was, on her last legs. Yet I've got her comforting me.
"Sailing and a boat aren't compulsory requirements. There are other modes of transport."
"Why does this need to be so cryptic? Why can't you simply tell me exactly what I need to know and exactly how I catch up with you?"
"Oh Lord Jake, no matter how much I want to do that I can't. This is the way it has to be because this is the way it was. The way it's always been. Even when you alter reality there are rules you have to obey. If you don't obey them reality will pop back into shape by expelling you from it. This is an awful analogy, but here goes. Say you had a time machine and you went back in time to kill Hitler. He's an adult coming out of the art college that's just rejected him and you kill him. The thing is in this reality it didn't happen like that. So reality ejects you. It forms a bubble around you and kicks you out. You'll remain in that bubble for eternity. Which will consist of you travelling back in time and killing Hitler. Over and over again. Doomed to repeat the exact same actions forever."
Jake didn't want to do so, but he had to accept what Sharon said.
"You're dying aren't you."
"I've been dying since the day we met Jake. You're right though. I've got days rather than weeks left. We both knew this before we even got into our current situation."
"Did we? I don't recall knowing anything about this."
She looked torn, anxious. Her hands wrestling with one another as she considered what to do.
"I really shouldn't be saying this but I don't think it will mess things up for you. You know how we both have this constant feeling we shouldn't be here?"
"Yeah. I thought it would wear off being with you. It hasn't though."
"That's because we aren't from here originally. You and I crept in through the cracks."
"Let me see if I'm getting this right. Are you saying that we knew each other before? That we somehow planned this out?"
"As illogical as that sounds it's quite close to the truth. You planned most of it. You had to go in without your real memories so you wouldn't go insane. There's a very important reason why we're here."
"Which you can't tell me right?"
"Correct. I've been back and forth a few times if that helps. My itinerary had to be more complex so I could retain my memories of you and why we're here."
"So why can't you do that this time. If you've made the trip between realities a number of times why can't you do that again."
"It's different this time." She sighed. "In for a penny I suppose. I'm in this reality, not of this reality. So are you except in a different sense, or possibly method. You are anchored here by the events you created. I'm not. I ping back to where I come from on a regular basis. After which, because of reasons, I wait for a while then return through a particular crack. This time has to be permanent. The life I led here was all worked out before hand so we could fit me into the narrative stream. If I use the crack again it will cause a fracture with unknown catastrophic consequences. I know this all sounds like bullshit to you Jake. It's the truth though. Or as near as we can get. I've said too much already. Please don't ask for more. It will only confuse you. Holy crap it confuses me and I've lived with it for a very long time."
"Sorry. I'm pressurizing you for information you can't give me. Basically the long and the short of it is that I follow on behind after a suitable delay. During which I do some stuff. After which I follow on behind and merely ask for someone to point me in the direction of a beautiful blonde called Sharon Metcalfe."
"Almost right. Only I'm not Sharon Metcalfe and I don't look anything like this."
"Wow. That's another kick in the nuts. So who should I be looking out for? On the other side."
"Telling you would ruin the final part of our plan. The narrative insists you will have to find me. As I found you here."
"Much as I expected. I'm afraid to ask yet I have to. I don't expect an answer. How long did it take you to find me?"
"All this life up to the point shortly before we met. None of this makes sense I know. The thing is if it did make sense it wouldn't work."
"One day you'll have to explain to me what this narrative thing is."
"I promise I will."
"I'll be keeping you to that. You'll see."
She ran a finger down his naked chest.
"You know I'm not sure the christening worked. I think we should do it again just to be certain."
"Now that's a change of subject I'm perfectly happy with."

Two days later Jake received her call as he prepared for his group session. There was something about her cheerful voice that filled him with dread. As soon as the call ended he ordered a taxi for an immediate pick up. It took him to Bristol docks. Pier 4 as it happened. There, tied up alongside other pleasure boats, was Lilith. This was to be a farewell. Deep down inside all his anguish and dread was a pearl of excitement. Put there by this wonderful woman he'd recently met. He still cried though. At first he didn't know what was happening. Were the tears for Sharon or him though? The warmth of her body against his held off the icy chill that would surely follow. She'd deliberately left little time for their goodbye. Ten minutes together before she cast off. He'd brought some binoculars he hadn't known he had. The taxi was waiting for him. He took it out to Portishead Point. That would be the place for the best view. This was going to cost him a fortune. The taxi following her boat all the way.

There she was. He scanned the sea. Perfectly flat and calm. The Lilith, he wasn't sure if the definite article applied there, in full sail on the Bristol Channel. Where linguistically he was on much safer ground. The tiny spark ahead of her turned into an iridescent disc of pure silver. Lines branching off from it, then branching again immediately. Until the whole vista was a granulated patchwork. The boat blinked out of existence at the peak of the display. Vanished from this place where he never belonged. Despite that he still looked at the exact same spot for the next minute. Finally lowering the binoculars, Jake looked around at those gathered. All of them looking out to sea. Though none of them actually saw. The slowly dawning realization that staying here wasn't doing a lot. His inner idiot taking the line that this was close to where she'd disappeared from. Rationality demanded he accept that any place on this planet would be the same distance from where she now was. At least as far as he understood it. Reluctantly he headed home. Gladly paying the £120 plus large tip. That money Doxy had stolen was finally coming in handy. Now his mysterious nemesis, was she from the same place as Sharon? It wasn't impossible. Maybe she was from the same place as Toby.

Oh. How long had he known that without knowing he knew it? Binary Reality Projectors that looked like giant lava lamps weren't the normal drug dealer paraphernalia. At least that would be a place to start. Not that there'd be a lot of information he'd be able to glean he decided. Back at his apartment he found three men waiting at his door. He'd seen them unloading something from a van as he'd paid the taxi driver. It now sat on a trolley, with a dust sheet over it, blocking the doorway.

"Oi mate. Do you live here?"
The eldest, and therefore Jake assumed the boss, asked.
"I do indeed. How can I help you?"
"We gotta delivery for a Mr Jake Halliday, this address. Would you sign for it please."
"What is it?" Jake asked as he took the electronic tablet held out to him.
"Buggered if I know. It's bloody heavy and it might be a barometer."
"A barometer?"
"Yeah that's just me thinking out loud. To tell you the truth me and the boys would love to get rid of it as soon as we can."
Jake handed back the tablet.
"Your last delivery of the day I suppose."
"No mate. This thing is giving us the creeps. It keeps looking at us and it doesn't seem impressed."
"How could it see you through this sheet."
"We put that over it so it wouldn't see us, you prawn. Still giving me the willies let me tell you. You know what it's like when you done something real bad and the lady finds out. Only you don't know why she's got the hump and she ain't saying. You gotta work it out for yourself, then apologize like you mean it. Now me wife I'll take it from but not from a thing. Course it could be a robot I suppose. They have that AI thing what can make em seem human. So if you'll open up squire we'll put this wherever you want it. Bit of advice. Choose very carefully cos you won't be moving it from there. Not without heavy lifting gear."
"Or three men like you."
"Oh the funny looks ain't the only reason it creeps us out. It does this other funny thing. It changes weight constantly. We wanted to move it to one side in the back of the truck and it wouldn't budge. Didn't think we'd be able to get it off. Then when we get here it's light as a feather. More liftable I suppose."

Jake leaned over and opened his front door for them. They wheeled their trolley inside. Where the sheet was removed. The conundrum was partially solved. This was what Sharon had called the Geochronometric Array, or words to that effect. No wonder she was in a mood. Being manhandled by strange men who called her an it. All of the little spheres were closed and the face was blank. Even the exotic characters around the dial were gone. Jake tipped the three men massively. He'd peeled off a few twenties from his wad of stolen cash. That was when he spotted Sharon's purse. After the men left he got it down. Then he sat on his sofa with it in his lap. There was a long internal debate before he did the only thing he could and opened it. Inside he found a single sheet of aged brownish paper that was brittle at the edges. The sheet read "Established 1647" then there was a space below which it stated "Ye Olde Booke Shoppe, Hobs Lane, Bristol". Nothing else he could see. Oh no. Sharon had gone all cryptic crossword with this. She loved those things. She was brilliant at them. He on the other hand could just about stretch to the junior ones. He turned the sheet over. There on the back, in black ballpoint, Sharon had written in block capitals WELL WORTH A VISIT.

"You clever, clever girl.. Oh bollocks. I forgot to tell her I love her. Fuck my luck."

I would like to nominate @beastlybanter and @corpsvalues for the next round.