Comedy Open Mic Round 24 (Entry #2) : THE VILLAGE Part 50 - You Will Never Be Cool. It Would Punch A Hole In The Fabric Of Reality.

This is the village of St Endellion where they make a rather lovely brie cheese. That's about it really as far as this place goes not much has happened here since the 5th century Saint Endelienta evangelized the area. She was allegedly the daughter of King Brychan and actually did play a role in converting many Cornish to the Christian faith. You see the Celtic church had many women preaching in it. Then the Roman Catholic's showed up and put a stop to that. Women are only good for making babies they thought. She was Welsh by the way, but we shouldn't hold that against her. It wasn't her fault. This is back in the early days of developing Welshes and nobody knew the horrendous mistakes they'd just made. Mistakes the whole world is now paying for. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Mittens the cat were all born, raised and educated in Wales.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Into Cornwall)

"Is that a cardigan?"
Sophie said those four words as though she'd just witnessed him killing her parents. So much hostility first thing in the morning was unexpected Michael knew prevarication was his best weapon here. Postponing her anger until he'd worked out exactly what he'd done wrong this time.
"In my defense I ordered it online and saw the word sweater. I didn't see the word right after that. It was vest. It was only when it arrived I realized the error. I thought it would be a funny thing to wear. A kind of librarian cliche. What's wrong with my cardigan? I'm wearing it ironically as part of my "librarian" costume."
If anything her anger increased.
"I can't believe it. You did air quotes at me. Right now I'm wondering why I don't just rip your fucking head off."
"Can we rewind here? I'm still not sure why cardigans and air quotes are... Yeah I'm gonna rewind that myself. Instead I'm going with why are cardigans and air quotes bad?"
She reached under the counter and drew out a book of some sort. It was at least two inches thick and made an impressive thump when she threw it down.
"There. I went to all the trouble of writing down our evolving agreement. Listing all the things I'm forbidden from doing. Including naked Thursdays and skydiving weekends. I also included a few things in it that you aren't allowed to do, so that working doesn't drive me insane."
"A few things I'm not allowed to do?" He asked skeptically.
"That's only about two thirds of the provisions of our evolving agreement. Three quarters tops. But trust you to bring that up. How am I supposed to limit myself if you don't. Why are you staring at the agreement when you should be looking at me?"
"It's quite compact isn't it." Michael thumbed through a couple of hundred pages as he spoke.
"It's a work in progress as I think I've already said. It's evolving."
"Right so somewhere in here there are rules about cardigans, the wearing of, and air quotes, the using of?"
"Yes. Page 278 section 8, subsection 3, paragraph 2. I quote: Under no circumstances can Michael Penrose, herein after to be referred to as Overlord, expect his Beautiful Assistant to tolerate the wearing of cardigans in the work environment as this is not conducive to a sustainable working situation. Due to the untold stress such articles produce."
He was leafing through as she finished.
"No way... Oh shit. You're right. It does say that. Right here. Right after the section on scented candles which lists the permitted fragrances I see."
"That shot you up the ass. Then if you turn to page 327, section 4, subsection 1, first paragraph you will see the following: The use of air quotes is forbidden in all interactions with the aforementioned Beautiful Assistant whether working or social."
"Yep. That's there to. So why are cardigans and air quotes off limits?"
"Firstly cardigans are shit. The only excuse for a man to wear one is if it's a family heirloom he has to be buried in. Secondly air quotes are annoying. They are patronizing and almost as shit as cardigans. No. I take that back. It's a tie between them. It's almost as though you're trying to provoke me. Are you attempting to manage me out of this position? If so why not have the balls to come out with it. Instead of making my life awful."
"You're fired."
Stated with all the conviction he could muster, which was about enough to dampen a stamp. Fully intended as an attempt at humor. With the hope of defusing this fraught situation. The raised eyebrows and slitted eyes on Sophie's face didn't look promising. Her look was very disturbing. Up to this point Michael had assumed no one could raise their eyebrows and slit their eyes at the same time. His own face was performing contortions as it attempted this impossible task
"Really?" She asked with a calm that didn't exist anywhere at this moment. "Your going there are you? Do you think that's a good idea?"
"No I do not. It was a very bad attempt to lighten the mood. If only you'd told me you were drawing up this evolving agreement. I'd have made sure I read it... Skimmed it. Your position is safe I assure you. You work here as long as you like and I guarantee that if you leave you'll receive a glowing reference."
"What will it say?" She demanded.
"I've not got specifics because I've only this moment come up with the idea. It's probably best if you don't press."
"I'm pressing."
"Look I'll let you write it. Then I'll sign it."
She shook her head.
"Details?"
Michael huffed.
"Good team player. Works well individually as well. Intelligent and a quick study. Hits the ground running in all she undertakes. That kind of thing."
"Absolutely nothing about how hot I am! Not a single word about my rocking body and gorgeous face. That's what nails a job. Sucks cock like a pro. You got that on a reference and you'll ace any interview process. Don't forget the majority of decision makers are men. They don't give a shit about qualifications and a woman's ability to do the job. They want eye candy with loose morals and no self respect."
"Um... Not sure that's how it works, but I'll do anything you...."
"Why are you still looking at the agreement and not me?"
His finger traced along a line of text.
"It states here that all these clauses are provisional and subject to agreement between the two parties. Why are you looking for an argument here Sophie?"
Oh shit. She was folding her arms.
"What have you done to Darcy?"
He looked suitably stunned.
"Nothing. As far as I'm aware. I haven't seen her since that day you all went swimming."
The raised eyebrows were accompanied by a coldness in her eyes that did not bode well.
"First you upset Steph, then you disturb Darcy. You'd better not be sexually harassing them instead of me. If you've put the moves on either of them tell me now."
He held his arms out helplessly.
"Honestly, look at me. I haven't got the faintest clue how to put the moves on anybody. Does it seem likely to you that this." he swept his hands down his body, "has got any moves?"
"Okay. That was pushing it I suppose. I've sorted things with Steph and I posted one of Doidge's poems through her letter box anonymously to pep her up a bit."
"Did it work?"
"No. She's driving me fucking mental trying to figure out who it is. She switches between being freaked out and blissed out about it. One minute it's doggerel and the next she's comparing it to Shakespeare at his best in his sonnets. Let me not to the marriage of two minds..."
"Admit impediment. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."
For a fleeting moment a strange indefinable look crossed her face.
"Back to Darcy. You've damaged her."
"Not to my knowledge I haven't. I thought things were going great with her. She's hitting it off with Jeff, or at least she was when I last saw her."
His eyes clouded at that point. Sophie could have sworn that someone else had looked out of his eyes.
"What is it?"
"Right. Okay. I do recall something from the harbor that day. It might have some bearing. It's nothing really. Something and nothing. Darcy might have taken it the wrong way."
"Proceed." Sophie ordered.
"Well... and I might be wrong about this. As I'm wrong about most things. So don't take this as being the real reason. It's worth considering I suppose."
"For fuck sake get on with it. I've had brain surgery that didn't take this long and was less painful."
"Actually the brain doesn't feel pain. Ow." She'd slapped him across the face
"I think your brain felt that. If it doesn't want to feel any more it'll get your mouth to speak."
"When we were all at the harbor she sneaked up on me and lifted my t-shirt up."
"So she spotted your hunch? What are you on about?"
"Darcy was of the opinion I should take it off. Get the sun on my back. Only I've got an unusual scar. I think she might have been shocked by it. I told her not to tell anyone."
"So what. I've got some unusual scars myself. Why would that affect her?"
"I've no idea, but it might be that she thinks I've got a complex about it. She was dogging me because I said dwarf. It's possible, now she's seeing Jeff that she's become over conscious of these kinds of things. She's drawn parallel's that don't exist. It's a theory anyway."
"How bad is this scar? Show me."
"No."
"Why not?"
"It's personal."
"Yes I know. Most scars are. Let me see how bad it is."
He squirmed uncomfortably.
"It's not bad. It looks worse than it is. It's nothing."
"Show me then. Let me be the judge."
"You know I said I don't have a complex about it?"
"You didn't. You said Darcy might think you have a complex about it."
"Well I do. People go funny when they see it. Think it's far worse than it was. My own fault really. I ignored it and didn't get proper medical treatment. It kind of festered and when it became worse I was nowhere near civilization. The people who took care of it did the best they could without anesthetics or antibiotics. I think they might also have had a sense of humor. I can't be sure but the few times I've looked at it in the mirror it does look as though they've written something with the stitches. Like English dog or something."
"That must have been agony."
She sympathized.
"Yeah. Being called English is very painful. Thankfully the English feel it worst, because they get the deep feeling of shame involved with being English and everything that involves. It's them we should feel sorry for. It can't be easy having no culture apart from the bits they stole off everyone they met."
"So your definitely not going to show me your scar?"
"I am not. Trouble is people see it, they get the wrong idea and feel sorry for me. Then they start to treat me like a sympathetic human being."
"You know there's no way I'm ever going to feel sorry for you or treat you like a human being don't you?"
"It's a risk I'm not prepared to take. It would change our relationship."
"You think what we have is a relationship?"
"Not sure. Couldn't think of a word for it. I suppose on a certain level we having a working relationship."
"Well it's not working for me, that's all I know. A pale blue cardigan for fuck sake. It's perverse."
"I know. I thought it would be a blue white. It was hard to tell from the thumbnail. I'm not good at buying clothes. I should maybe go shopping with Twink. He could do the queer eye for the straight guy thing and revamp my entire wardrobe and cleansing regimes. Only I don't think I could afford it. Do you think that's it then? The reason why Darcy is acting strangely. I'd implicate Jeff if I could. Only he makes her happy, if somewhat deranged. That's love though isn't it. It makes fools of all of us."
"So who have you ever been in love with then?"
"You'd be surprised."
"I'd be frigging amazed if you could name one woman."
"I'm bullshitting. I've got no idea. It's purely observational on my part. Doidge and Steph. Darcy and Jeff. Ordinarily sane people turned into lunatics."
"Jeff seems okay."
He chuckled.
"No he's having kittens. Wants to jump but is too scared to. Poor bugger is in love, but he's been burnt before. Afraid once the novelty wears off she'll go off the idea. Hard to believe but now he's actually aware she's black."
"Whoa that's surprising. I suppose it makes sense. He's thought it through I expect. She's never said anything but you know she's faced a lot of crap over her sun tan. Now he's projecting that to sun tan plus pint sized boy friend. Thing is how do I ease the burden on Darce? Let her know the scar on your back is nothing major."
"Just tell her more or less everyone knows about it, but they don't say anything because I'm funny about it. It happened a long time ago and it brings back bad memories or some other shit like that."
"Do you think she'll buy it?"
"Coming from you I expect so. Bring Steph in on it to confirm your tale."
"That might work. I'll ask her tonight."
"So is Steph really thrown by her anonymous admirer."
"Oh shit yeah. Don't forget she's half Chinese and half Cornish. That's the intelligence and work ethics of the Chinese combined with the pure lunacy and failure to give a shit of the Cornish. That's a potent mix. She'll be multitasking her way into ever decreasing circles right this minute. Bullshitting Darcy will be a welcome distraction I'd imagine."
"So are we cool now. Vis a vis the Darcy thing."
"I wouldn't go that far. You will never be cool. It would punch a hole in the fabric of reality. Jesus Christ, you're wearing a pale blue button up cardigan. It's warm and you're wearing woolens."
"Hold on there. I am wearing this ironically. I might even get a pipe to go with it."
Sophie shook her head.
"Take it off now. Return it for a refund."
"You can do that?"
"Of course you can. How do you not know that?"
"Possibly because I've never returned anything before that wasn't food. Food's got that satisfaction thing written on the packet. Clothes haven't."
"So you've never read a returns policy?"
"It would take up too much time. I tried to read the Amazon terms and conditions once. Gave up three weeks in. It was awful. Couldn't follow the plot at all. Do you realize we haven't had a single customer so far today?"
Sophie looked out of the small window.
"There's a small crowd gathering though. Do you think maybe we should open the doors?"
"Can't do any harm can it."

I would like to nominate @joycamp-benny and @marksheppard for the next round.