Comedy Open Mic Round : 19 - THE VILLAGE : Part 25 - I Wish You all the Luck in the World.

Yes the shit just keeps coming. Back once again despite being as popular as dog turds on your dinner table. Strap in for more of exactly the same as before but this time with 100% more extra. Yes that's extra above and beyond the extra you were already getting. Although it will seem like less. That's because we've refined our packaging by making it a lot smaller. This is a picture of Pendennis Castle, Falmouth, Cornwall. Built by Henry VIII, although I'm thinking he paid someone else to do it then took all the credit. That's the English for ya.

(The copyright for this image is the property of English Heritage)

Michael found himself having a busy day. This was not bad precisely. It was simply wrong. For a man who prided himself on being bone idle to the best of his considerable laziness ability, being busy was anathema. That's like evil except it's twice as long and harder to spell. Having extricated himself from the clutches of Darcy and her class he found himself confronted by two beekeepers. On his own doorstep. Not that there was anything wrong with keeping bees. If that was your particular bag he had no argument with it. However two fully kitted out beekeepers and no bees, wasn't the standard arrangement as far as Michael was aware. Granted he was no expert on apiarists. but the proportions seemed all wrong here. Generally the bees outnumbered the people who kept them. It was a system that had worked for millennia.

He wasn't entirely clueless regarding bees. He knew they were suffering from colony die back for example. Their numbers falling catastrophically. To the extent farmers and horticulturalists would rent out bees to pollinate certain crops. Were these two bee salesmen, going door to door trying to drum up new custom? He'd be wide open to being conned here. He had no idea what needed pollinating. Best then to deny that anything of his required the services of pollination. Oh shit. They'd spotted him and this had evoked some excitement if he was any judge. Which he wasn't. For all he knew they might have spotted one of the bees they were looking for. Walking straight on by and pretending he didn't live there was now out of the question. They recognized him or a familiar bee. Safest not to make any assumptions here. Act as though you don't have a care in the world. Not too difficult as he didn't. Caring wasn't something he did.

"Good afternoon. Can I help you?"
Completely neutral. Nothing to suggest he had bee related problems.
"Told ya. He didn't recognize us."
There was no mistaking that voice. This had to be Doogie and Doidge. Now he knew he definitely didn't wish to know what was going on. He also had the dreadful feeling he was about to find out.
"Ah. Doogie and Doidge. I'd like to say how happy I am to see you, but I can't because I'm not and you only live 200 meters away from me. Aren't you supposed to be fixing the roof at Deveraux House?"
"That we are Mikey, that we are." Michael, unquestionably not Mike or Mikey, let that slide. It was a thing Doogie did to annoy him. Showing annoyance would only encourage him. "We've hit a few snags though. That's why we're here."
The only thing you had to know about Doogie was that he was a genuine Australian with a fake accent. Which paradoxically told you more about him than almost anything else did. Michael had known him long enough to understand that when Doogie had a problem, so did he.
"Where did you steal the outfits from? I'm pretty sure it's not a costume from Sophie's repertoire."
Michael asked purely as a delaying tactic. He wanted to prepare his psyche for the major mind fuck which would ensue.
"Tall Girl ran them up for us." Doidge stated. "She's done us proud again. The wasp can be a wily foe at the best of times."
"Well it can outwit you for a start." Michael retorted while exchanging a look of incomprehension with Doogie, who'd removed his head gear.
"My partner is getting ahead of himself slightly." Doogie said.
"That's partner in the business sense rather than the sex one." Doidge clarified. "Only I been getting a lot of crossed wires lately. I think I might have given Stephanie the impression we're a couple."
"So you've actually spoken to her at last."
"Not really. I was going to but I got tongue tied again. She asked me if I was doing anything this weekend and I panicked. Told her me and me partner had arranged something special."
"No Doidge. I'm pretty sure that isn't what Stephanie thinks. I could explain, as Doogie should have done, only this way is much more fun. You tool. Anyway, thanks for dropping by. Can't tell you how much I'm thrilled with your new costumes. I wish you luck in all your future endevors, now off you fuck. And I don't mean that in a nasty way. I mean it in the way that will make you leave fastest."
"Hold on hasty Harry." Doogie countered. "First things first."
Michael found himself being handed an envelope.
"What's this for?"
"It's an invoice."
"I repeat the same question slightly amended. What's this invoice for? Think very carefully before you answer. You've done fuck all for me that requires invoicing."
"Tax purposes." Doogie replied with a huge grin.
Mikey turned it over in his hand a couple of times. Ruminating on this revelation.
"If memory serves me I don't seem to recall either of you having anything to do with tax. I know you've never paid any."
Doidge grinned.
"That's what we thought to. Only turns out we been paying tax all the time on things we buy, the sneaky bastards." He paused. "Course we don't buy a lot but beer is very heavily taxed. Which is extortion by a government we don't agree with. That's like robbery only if they can't rob it off ya, you go to prison. How can that be fair?"
"I'd love to explain that to you Doidge, only I'd need a time machine so I could go back and educate you beyond remedial level. Tax pays for things like that dreadful education you never had. It pays for the police and the army and... actually you've got a point. I suppose it must pay for things we actually use. I've always just accepted that. Oh fuck. Five minutes with you and already I'm doubting reality."
"Yep." Doogie replied. "If only you hadn't struggled this would have been finished already."
"Really?" asked the hopeful Michael.
"No, but we'd have at least started. Now do you want the short version or the long version? I'll warn ya the short version always takes longer."
"Oh balls. You'd better come on in then."

It seemed a situation had arisen, as they had a habit of doing with anything connected to these two. The thing was with Doodo Enterprises all the details were always sketchy. These boys didn't so much plan things as bullshit their way through them with overwhelming confidence. Sketchy details weren't a problem though. It was the details that were completely absent which were a mind fuck. For example: There were materials and equipment that were needed for the repairs to Deveraux House. They'd sourced these from a supplier. Stealing them wasn't an option unfortunately. Having inquired about some very specific supplies the trail would lead directly back to them. The cashless, taxless, unregulated business they ran entailed another form of payment. To this end other items had been procured from a foreign supplier. These had then been shipped all the way to the UK. Michael knew not to ask for those missing specific details. It's what they called plausible deniability.

These imported items were now stored in a wet and dry bonded warehouse. Wet and dry? Michael knew better than to ask. It was for reasons like this that the shorter explanation took longer. The warehouse would not release them without excise duty being paid. The duo hadn't had the cash to pay for the goods themselves. They certainly couldn't afford the import duty. The only legitimate alternative available was to trade some of their goods in the warehouse in payment. Some organizations did this to keep things moving. However nothing that was on the cargo manifest was actually in the cargo. Opening it up would reveal the subterfuge. The duo lamented the injustice of having to steal their own property. It didn't sit well with their ethos. That they had an ethos was news to Michael.

Stealing anything from a bonded warehouse is not easy. You needed a well drilled team and plenty of inside knowledge. There would also be the need to use the threat of violence at the very least. The place would be guarded 24/7. While they had no objections to using minimum force, as in the minimum force to achieve whatever they desired, it would be impossible with only two men. While cell phones were prohibited within the facility the guards would have radio's. The risk was too big. Which Michael found ironic given their solution to this conundrum. Their plan was to introduce several hundred Vespa Wasps into the warehouse. They explained that the Vespa Mandarinia or Asian wasp was possibly the most deadly of all their species. Up to 3 inches in length and with a quarter inch stinger. The sting could cause paralysis, cardiac arrest and death as the cherry on the top. They were unknown in the west.

That would be the easy part i.e. getting some wasps into a building. The hard bit was everything else. From setting up a new pest control company with international knowledge of such insects and a history of several years to actually removing those wasps they'd released. Once they'd lifted their own goods they couldn't leave without completing the job as it would only cause suspicion. This bit, thanks to Big Jeff, was taken care of. The warehouse facilities had thermostatic controls. They'd turn down the temperature until the wasps were entirely incapacitated, after having the building evacuated. They would then vacuum them up for return to their original owner. Spraying was far more problematic it seemed. Given that you had to have a vague idea what you were doing in order not to poison yourself and anyone who subsequently entered the building to search for the bodies. Michael accepted this, as always. You see with Doogie and Doidge there were always gaping holes in logic and explanation. Mainly because they had no fucking idea what they were really doing or if it would work. When any shit hit the fan they used animal cunning and luck to fudge their way out.

"That's great guys. I wish you all the luck in the world. Now I'm going to ask a question that I don't want you to answer. I'm begging you here. I'm going against years of experience of you both and my better judgement. What has all this got to do with me? Another question I don't want answered has occurred to me as well. What has any of this got to do with the invoice?"
"We're going legit Mikey."
"Fuck off."
"Me and Doidge never knew about this sales tax and import tax and tax, tax before. We was stunned to discover its potential. The invoice is to set up a paper trail so we can claim back all that tax we haven't paid. We're doing proper fictitious accounts. I think it's called Value Added Tax or something. Which is a downright lie. Tax don't add value to anything. It adds cost. You don't buy something from a place offering extra value so you have to pay more. That ain't fiscally logical. With them lying like that to steal our money it's only fair we take some back. Seems if we pay VAT we can claim it back. The way we look at it someone paid that VAT on everything we use. All we're doing is getting back what was rightfully theirs."
"You know that makes no sense whatsoever don't you."
"Yeah, but that's beside the point."
"I guessed as much."
"Oh and we need you to be our man on the outside."
"NO!"
"Aw come on Michael. Don't be hasty. Think it through again."
"Okay. Just doing that now. Putting in all the variables. Now that changes everything. NO!" Doogie and Doidge waited. The silence stretched to minutes. Nobody was budging here. "In what way do you want me to be an accessory to your criminal activities? I'm not saying yes here."
"Big Jeff has set up our website so all we need you to do is take the call. Warehouse full of deadly wasps, no pest controller would go near with a flame thrower. It might take them a while to choose us but they will eventually we've got a huge internet presence thanks to Jeff."
"Aren't you worried others will contact you?" Michael asked.
"Nah. We've borrowed every Vespa wasp in the country. Those gigantic bastards don't grow on trees. Besides we could do this as a sideline when things are slow. Multiple income streams Michael. It's the secret of success. We got ya a script and everything. It's in with that invoice we gave ya. Big Jeff will redirect the call to you and me and Doidge will arrive in the nick of time."
Michael was hooked. It always happened with these guys. He asked himself why he bothered trying to hold back the tide. The answer, as always, was that it gave him something to whine about.
"These killer wasps with the 3 inch bodies and quarter inch deadly stings. Aren't you worried? They'll go through those suits like a hot knife through warm butter."
"Nah. Wasps won't bother you unless you bother them. Besides mate, Tall Girl made these suits. These fuckers are Kevlar lined. They'll stop bullets and stun guns more importantly. Those guards will be carrying."
"Fine. Let me know when it's going down. I'll do it."
"Good on ya Mikey."
Michael had a sickening feeling there was even more to come. Would it be vindictive of him to point out the fly in their ointment?
"You two do realize that giving me an invoice is pointless don't you. One, I'm never going to pay it and thirdly any VAT you've added to the bill will only be reclaimable by me."
"Normally you'd be right." Doogie responded. "This is purely for business purposes. Only you are now a wholly owned subsidiary of Doodo Enterprises. Welcome aboard."

I would like to nominate @bambam808 and @broncnutz for the next round.