Comedy Open Mic #23 - Traumatic lacking of self confidence
So I was nominated for the fabulous #comedyopenmic contest. (thanks @dandays, but are you sure?)
My first thought… Shit!
Then memories of the horrible feelings I use to get in school came flooding back like a strobe light going off in my brain.
See, as a skinny, pimple faced school boy, I hated being the center of attention. Still do to a point. Speaking in front of crowds, No thanks. Karaoke, nope not for me. See that cloud of dust?… that use to be me before someone got the camera out! - You get the gist.
Classmates, The Teacher or Me?
Who is truly to blame for this phobia, I'm not sure... I blame the teacher! - I was quite happy, hiding at the back of the class, attempting to stick my once spearmint flavoured gum to the underside of my desk. (I'd usually to try and go with a cobweb theme.) But Noooo! That wasn't good enough for Mrs Ford, the teacher of English.
She just had to pick on me.
"Jason, - (that was my name back then) - stand up and read from the start of the next paragraph!"
Traumatic lacking of self confidence
I had the exact same first thought back then… SHIT! - Next, anxiety set in, quickly followed by a rapid heart beat. This of course kicked off the adrenaline rush which displayed itself as a clearly visible trembling. Then, as I stood, to top it all off, came the hot flushes.
In those days, the closest thing to a smartphone would probably have been two baked bean cans joined with a piece of string. Luckily for me, you can't take photos with a baked bean can. - (at least not in my school… bean can phones were banned! - Something to do with being a trip hazard.)
Thinking back, I probably looked something like….
So there I stood, a red faced, trembling wreck of a boy. A quick look around the class confirmed my suspicions. There they all were, stareing at me, whispering to each other and giggling…
(That reminds me… please keep your heckling for the comments or I'll never get through this!)
"Come on… next paragraph!" - said the teacher of English.
With that, the thoughts of the other kids stareing, the whispering, the giggling, all faded to a blur. Hindsight was coming in to focus - If I'd known she was gonna pull this shit, I would of sat at the front so they could only see the back of my head. - My hair doesn't usually change colour when my face does.
Taking a deep breath, I looked down at the book. Again it appeared that luck wasn't in my corner - it wasn't The Cat In The Hat, or The Lorax! In fact it wasn't any of the Dr Susse books. What the hell?!…
What kind of school is this!
There I was on the last day of my first week at senior school, (Middle school for the US Folks), and the teacher of English was making us read from a book with no pictures. Talk about thrown in at the deep end!
Then the strobe light must of went on the blink. 😜
My next thoughts flashed over to - Hang-on, it's writing a post for #comedyopenmic… you don't have to stand up and speak in front of people!
Phew… no need to freak out. I quietly said sad to myself - I didn't want to say it too loud, my daughter was entering the room. I can't have her thinking I'm going mad. She already thinks I have dementia.
Ok then… what funny stories can I tell the wonderful steemit community about?…
Umm…
Umm…
about 20 minutes later…
Umm… Damn!… she might be on to something with that dementia thing.
Ah!, I know, what about that time as a teenager one Christmas, when I got so drunk I fell asleep on a flat-bed lorry trailer. My brother told Mum where he last saw me, but when Mum came looking, the trailer was gone… and so was I.
Mum didn't know that I had woken up and started wandering home before the trailer was taken….
Naa, that's not really very funny… at least not for Mum. Sorry Mum!
Aw!… or the time Babzy, our 28 year old son got stung on the ankle and was hopping around like a one legged kangaroo. He came with words that day I don't think I've heard before….
Naa… you really had to be there to see the funny side.
Umm…
Damn this is hard… I need a tutorial - How to write funny shit on demand! - I wonder if @nonameslefttouse has any tips. Maybe I should of paid more attention to the teacher of English.
I got nothing!
Nope, nothing, nada, diddly - can't seem remember a single funny story. So… as my entry for #comedyopenmic, Round 23 is getting nowhere, I'll have to get back to you guy's once the old grey cells start working again.
In the mean time…
The Rules for #comedyopenmic say I should pick on 2 other deserving steemians. I'll go with…
Drum roll please….
¤ @coloneljethro (I bet he's got a funny story or two with all that meandering he does).
¤ And a big contender from the #foodfightfriday gang - Mr @jlsplatts
If you've maganged to get this far... Thank you for taking the time to read my drivel. 👍
Regards and best wishes @sivehead 🤙
Aright I have gotten nominated twice for this comedyopenmic action I guess I better get after it.
I have to work on the contest post from FFF today but I am goin t get around to it I promise.
Sorry to put the pressure on dude, but your posts crack me up. I bet you could get away with combining comedy open mic with one of your #foodfightfriday entries!
Oh, and to pinch a phrase from @dandays - Thanks for stopping by!
Hi sivehead,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating, this will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied.
Judges:
If you have any questions or quieries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
You getting towed cross country on a trailer would have been a pretty epic story. :)
I always hated getting called up in english class too but it was for a diffrent reason, still a kind of hot flash. Teacher was smoking hot. BoOoOoOoing if you know what I mean.
Lucky you... my teacher of English was a strict old wrinkly - definitely nothing that wouldn't encourage wet dreams. ☹
I think the more you try to force comedy the more difficult it is (at least it is for me). I will have to read the rules and give it a try, although half my funny stories are of the "The names have been changed to protect the guilty" variety...
I hear that... it can be frustrating sometimes, trying to think of funny shit to write. Other times, it just seems flow.
Hey, change the names... put a bag on their heads too if you like. As long as there's a giggle or two involved you're good to go.
I made it all the way through! Hey way to keep me laughing and guessing what the heck you’re trying to do at the same time!
Awesome @sivehead, great to see your comedy!
I'm glad you like it @dandays, thank you for sticking with it to the end. 👍
If I'm honest, which does happen quite often, I read over my drivel ao many times while typing it, that I could really tell if it was funny or not.
Nice one .. I enjoyed the read. Probably because I to turned red when picked from the back of the class.
Phew, that's a relief... I thought it wss just me that looked like a Bald-headed uakari on the the odd occasion.
Thanks @rentmoney for giving up some of your valuable time to read my post.
@sivehead Thank you for not using bidbots on this post and also using the #nobidbot tag!