Toothless Town, Ruthless town - COM 18

The North East of England, land of the angels? Not quite. In fact, there's a southern stereotype that Northern birds have bad teeth. It's not true in the cities. But travel far enough into the countryside, and you'll find a place called Toothless Town.

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As a door-to-door salesman, I see some right sights. Like people who are visibly alcoholics with their big red noses.

Src

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But that's beside the point. I currently work for a children's charity, we're well known for being pro-active and part of my pitch is about going into schools and having one-to-one's with children. Now, I go to some very rough areas, pitching some of these rough parents can feel quite awkward since I can see on their faces they're thinking either:

Oh my god, is my child ok?!
Or
Oh my god, they're onto me!

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On multiple occasions, I've interrupted someone having sex. They never say it, but the simple fact that these blokes aren't wearing anything on the lower half of their bodies is a dead giveaway. One guy answered the door wearing nothing but a pillow, only just saving me from being scarred for life.

Later that week (it was an unlucky week), a guy answered the door, just with his head peeping round from behind the door (the kind of head with eyes and ears).

Sorry mate, I'm not wearing any trousers.
"Yeah, don't worry about it, I'm used to it, a guy answered the door wearing just a pillow last week."
Yeah, well I'd need a very big pillow.

The guy who trained me said something that'll always hold true:

You will see naked people, and it'll never be the kind of people that you want to see naked.

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Anyway, nothing will prepare you for the deepest depths of the North Eastern countryside. Let me give you a quick history lesson. Back in the 1980's, Thatcher decided to completely shut down all the coal mines. This didn't affect the South too much, but up here, there are villages that were literally built to house the coal miners. When the coal miners were paid off, they'd buy the houses they were living in, leaving many unemployed homeowners. And that's how modern-day Britain was born!

We often visit these villages and other run-down places across the region. Some have entire streets that've been abandoned, with only one or two hold-outs. You can tell they've been abandoned thanks to the metal sheets in all the door and window-frames. Most towns and cities usually grow, but these ones are shrinking, I was at one the other week and their high-street didn't even have an ATM, not-to-mention, a significant lack of dentists and cars. Luckily, some villages actually have more ATM's than they do individual teeth (until an outsider visits of course).

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This is my first entry to #comedyopenmic round 18, I nominate @lindsaybowes and @gomatthew