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RE: Comedy Open Mic Round #18 - Do it Right the First Time: How to Scratch Your Arm
So, I used my right arm to cut off my left arm. Now, my right arm is itchy and my left arm, no matter how hard I try, will not scratch the itch. It's just laying there as if it's a day off, or something. This wasn't in the brochure.
Well, I cover that in my next tutorial, so I hope you can be patient and wait for Constance to aid you.
In the meantime, a likely possibility is that your right arm is experiencing "sympathy itch" for the itch that used to be on your left arm but was eliminated with the removal of the arm. So rather than experience "phantom itch" in your left arm, you are experiencing "sympathy itch" in your other arm. In which case, you may need to sever the right arm as well. That may resolve the issue. If it still does not resolve, then call me back and we'll try the next step, which is a bit more aggressive, and unfortunately risky, but it yields extremely sturdy results. It involves something of a labotamy, if you are up for it. Brain transplants are also an option, when labotamies are not available to you, for one reason or another.
p.s. To remove your right arm, you'll need to have someone else help, since your left arm is now gone and can no longer perform the act. Let me know how it goes, or if you have any other questions! Constance is always here to help.
So I went out, and about. Nobody would speak to me except for one young lady who told me I need help. I thanked Captain Obvious as she walked away and she gave me the finger. So, I asked to borrow that finger, thinking I could use it to remove the itch. She called the police, they came, but couldn't figure out how to arrest me since handcuffs require two arms, so they left. I'm still standing here on the corner with a knife, waiting for help to arrive. This might take awhile. Don't wait up.
I'm surprised they tried to arrest you at all. This has gotten out of "hand." If I were an officer of the law, and I saw a strange man standing on the corner of the busy street, with a knife in his hand, the bloody pulp of a missing arm, and a woman complaining of threats against losing her middle finger, the FIRST thing I would think of, without hesitation, would undeniably be "Constance! He must have watched her show!"
I'm not saying the officers were incompetent or anything....and I will not take offense to the fact that this was not their first thought. But I believe it should have been.
At least it did eventually occur to them. To be honest, this is the more likely explanation for their not arresting you...that, coupled with the absence of a limb to cuff. I think these both saved the day.
You're welcome.
p.s. That was good thinking, btw, to ask if you could use her finger to remove the itch. Way to think outside the box, as that was not included as an option in the video. I do like my followers to think for themselves....on occasion.
I've been thinking outside of the box ever since I was born.
Badum bum. Ching!