Comedy Open Mic Round #18 - Do it Right the First Time: How to Scratch Your Arm
Learn how to scratch your arm by watching this captivating tutorial!
(I nominate @carrieallen and @ats-david)
- Please forgive the shaky camera. My daughter was stifling her laughter and made the camera jiggle.
This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
Thank you C-squared! Cool thing you're doing!
As a liberal conservative gluten-free plant-based soy almond latte drinking amputee with a three-year-old child and a God complex, this offends people like me with itchy legs. When are you going to make a video for the itchy leg population (and trust me, we are out there).
Wow! We have SOOO much in common! I'm a Liberal-Conservative, gluten-free, ANIMAL-based, soy/almond milk drinking, organic, essential oils using amputee with three children, dyslexia, and a Dog complex! I feel like we were meant to cross paths.
I'm sorry my tutorial offends you, but I cannot talk about legs in this particular lesson. Otherwise, we might lose our listeners far and wide. It will be far too complicated. I know those of you with itchy legs are out there. And you matter too. If you'd like, I am happy to give you personal instruction on how to itch your legs. As to when I plan to make the video....I hope very soon.
In the meantime, please consider my .20 cent upvote a token of my apologies.
I am creating the change.org petition as we speak. Your 20 cent donation is important to our movement, eventually, once we break the $1 mark I think we are going to bring about change. It's time to talk about itching privilege, we need to bring in itching-neutral mandates into the workplace so people of all kinds of itching backgrounds are accepted for who they are. There is a lot of itchism going on in the world.
Spread our hashtag for awareness: #ImItchyToo and #LegsUp
Once you hit the $1 mark, you'll have to cash it in and it won't be change anymore. Then what will you do with all your time?
So, I used my right arm to cut off my left arm. Now, my right arm is itchy and my left arm, no matter how hard I try, will not scratch the itch. It's just laying there as if it's a day off, or something. This wasn't in the brochure.
Well, I cover that in my next tutorial, so I hope you can be patient and wait for Constance to aid you.
In the meantime, a likely possibility is that your right arm is experiencing "sympathy itch" for the itch that used to be on your left arm but was eliminated with the removal of the arm. So rather than experience "phantom itch" in your left arm, you are experiencing "sympathy itch" in your other arm. In which case, you may need to sever the right arm as well. That may resolve the issue. If it still does not resolve, then call me back and we'll try the next step, which is a bit more aggressive, and unfortunately risky, but it yields extremely sturdy results. It involves something of a labotamy, if you are up for it. Brain transplants are also an option, when labotamies are not available to you, for one reason or another.
p.s. To remove your right arm, you'll need to have someone else help, since your left arm is now gone and can no longer perform the act. Let me know how it goes, or if you have any other questions! Constance is always here to help.
So I went out, and about. Nobody would speak to me except for one young lady who told me I need help. I thanked Captain Obvious as she walked away and she gave me the finger. So, I asked to borrow that finger, thinking I could use it to remove the itch. She called the police, they came, but couldn't figure out how to arrest me since handcuffs require two arms, so they left. I'm still standing here on the corner with a knife, waiting for help to arrive. This might take awhile. Don't wait up.
I'm surprised they tried to arrest you at all. This has gotten out of "hand." If I were an officer of the law, and I saw a strange man standing on the corner of the busy street, with a knife in his hand, the bloody pulp of a missing arm, and a woman complaining of threats against losing her middle finger, the FIRST thing I would think of, without hesitation, would undeniably be "Constance! He must have watched her show!"
I'm not saying the officers were incompetent or anything....and I will not take offense to the fact that this was not their first thought. But I believe it should have been.
At least it did eventually occur to them. To be honest, this is the more likely explanation for their not arresting you...that, coupled with the absence of a limb to cuff. I think these both saved the day.
You're welcome.
p.s. That was good thinking, btw, to ask if you could use her finger to remove the itch. Way to think outside the box, as that was not included as an option in the video. I do like my followers to think for themselves....on occasion.
I've been thinking outside of the box ever since I was born.
Badum bum. Ching!
Hey girl... I like your post... greetings from Venezuela.
Hey, good job on your entry! Poor little girl! But good she figured it out.
So normally I don't mind when translation isn't perfect, but in your case, some of the phrases you've used have negative meanings I don't think you mean to portray. Are you on discord? I could help you fix the content a little. You can find me. I'm @littlescribe there too.
i hope i can apply this in scratching my butt.
This scratching tutorial can be applied fairly generally, to all body parts. But there are some modifications that will need to be applied for things like legs, heads, and butts. Butt scratching is an art unto itself. To be safe, I recommend NOT scratching anything until you have consulted with my professional team. We will walk you through the process carefully. As I cannot always be present for every individual, I have a panel of experts standing by at all times, if the need for help should arise. Please call this number 1-555-CONSTANCE for any and all scratching related matters, and we will be there to assist you, free of charge.