Comedy Open Mic Round 27 - 2 Weeks With Mallory, The Defecating, Bitey Little Ball of Trouble.

It has now been two weeks since Mallory, the St Bernard puppy came to live with us. In those two weeks, I have stood in more piss than I care to imagine. @highwings literally fell onto her back after going for a urine induced slide across the wooden flooring in our hallway. Thankfully, I am yet to place my foot onto any brown pickles in the dead of night, but I am sure that will come soon. It has happened with previous dogs and there is nothing that prepares you for the level of disgust that you feel as the gaps between your toes go all warm and the vile stench erupts as you break open the hardened crust on that little parcel of grim-ness. I swear the little bastards look at you and are laughing inside.

^{Check out my neckerchief}

We used to allow our dogs to sleep in the bed with us at night. That was until one night, our little Yorkshire Terrier, Barnie (may he rest in peace), decided to take a piss directly in my crotch as I lay there asleep. Maybe that provides me a vision of what it will be like when I am old and incontinent and pissing myself in bed, as opposed to being pissed on. It's not pleasant. (and unfortunately not that far away any more)

Needless to say, Mallory will not be sleeping in our bed. We haven't allowed that for a long time with our pets. Except the horse. (Yes, that is the wife's pet name for me)

^{Just chilling after causing a shit ton of trouble}

He is adorable though, i'll give him that. But he's a little fucker. I've not had a puppy before, but in case you didn't know they chew everything you own. I'm worried that one morning I will go to sit down on one of our dining room chairs and he will have chewed through the wooden leg, causing me to flail wildly and end up lying on my back in a pool of piss that he strategically placed behind me without me noticing. He also has a penchant for shoes and wellies. Basically any foot-ware. We bought you a shit-ton of toys to chew and you insist on wrecking our stuff. How bloody ungrateful. It's a damned good job you are cute.

^{Me and my irritating older sister}

Our cairn terrier, "Molly" is not impressed either. She's an older lady, one full of class and politeness. Unleashing Mallory on her was like letting a drugged up raver loose on the Queen of England. Except the Queen doesn't have a collar that you can grab and tug around to your hearts content. I've never seen anything like it. He holds onto her collar, sits down and gets dragged around on his arse. By all accounts, it seems to be the only way to travel. She gets her own back though. She knows how to fight back as this video demonstrates.

^{You HAVE to watch this, it's so funny.}

Someone quipped that Mallory "goes down like Neymar". I'm inclined to agree.

The drool has also started. We all know that from the wonderful film, Beethoven, there is quite a lot made about how slobbery this breed of dog is. It is true. All of it. Even at this young age, not only are the jowls on this boy getting bigger already, they are also harbouring saliva as well as partially eaten food. Combine this with his desire to clean every single inch of Molly's body, you end up with a Cairn terrier that has crusty dried on food particles in her fur. It is absolutely grim.

^{I love a tasty human hand to chew on}

Also, we aren't getting the amount of sleep we used to. He's worse than a baby. OK, so he doesn't whine as much as he used to, but now he has taken to chewing his favourite toy overnight. In our infinite wisdom, we got him a squishy pig which grunts when you squeeze it. He's also already a bit of a snorer and a yelper while he sleeps. Dunno what he is up to in his dreams, but it sounds like great fun. At least someone is getting some sleep. We certainly aren't.

^{After all this craziness, sometimes you just have to chill out}

Even though all of this crazy shit is going on, you cannot help but love him of course. Wouldn't change it for the world

Thanks for reading

Mark

** During the writing of this post (which somewhat over-emphasises the whole "treading in piss" thing), I went into my kitchen to make a nice old English cuppa and literally trod in a pool of piss. **

For the purposes of the next comedy open mic, i nominate the elusive pair of @liberosist and yet again @misterakpan. Akpan, pull your bloody finger out and do it!!

---

Please vote for me as one of your witness choices if you appreciate what I do for the STEEM blockchain. We all have 30 votes to cast and this determines who has the responsibility to keep this blockchain going.

You can vote for me here

https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=markangeltrueman&approve=1

Or go to https://steemit.com/~witnesses

and enter my name and vote