Comedy Open Mic Round 27 - 2 Weeks With Mallory, The Defecating, Bitey Little Ball of Trouble.

in #comedyopenmic2 years ago (edited)

It has now been two weeks since Mallory, the St Bernard puppy came to live with us. In those two weeks, I have stood in more piss than I care to imagine. @highwings literally fell onto her back after going for a urine induced slide across the wooden flooring in our hallway. Thankfully, I am yet to place my foot onto any brown pickles in the dead of night, but I am sure that will come soon. It has happened with previous dogs and there is nothing that prepares you for the level of disgust that you feel as the gaps between your toes go all warm and the vile stench erupts as you break open the hardened crust on that little parcel of grim-ness. I swear the little bastards look at you and are laughing inside.


Check out my neckerchief

We used to allow our dogs to sleep in the bed with us at night. That was until one night, our little Yorkshire Terrier, Barnie (may he rest in peace), decided to take a piss directly in my crotch as I lay there asleep. Maybe that provides me a vision of what it will be like when I am old and incontinent and pissing myself in bed, as opposed to being pissed on. It's not pleasant. (and unfortunately not that far away any more)

Needless to say, Mallory will not be sleeping in our bed. We haven't allowed that for a long time with our pets. Except the horse. (Yes, that is the wife's pet name for me)


Just chilling after causing a shit ton of trouble

He is adorable though, i'll give him that. But he's a little fucker. I've not had a puppy before, but in case you didn't know they chew everything you own. I'm worried that one morning I will go to sit down on one of our dining room chairs and he will have chewed through the wooden leg, causing me to flail wildly and end up lying on my back in a pool of piss that he strategically placed behind me without me noticing. He also has a penchant for shoes and wellies. Basically any foot-ware. We bought you a shit-ton of toys to chew and you insist on wrecking our stuff. How bloody ungrateful. It's a damned good job you are cute.


Me and my irritating older sister

Our cairn terrier, "Molly" is not impressed either. She's an older lady, one full of class and politeness. Unleashing Mallory on her was like letting a drugged up raver loose on the Queen of England. Except the Queen doesn't have a collar that you can grab and tug around to your hearts content. I've never seen anything like it. He holds onto her collar, sits down and gets dragged around on his arse. By all accounts, it seems to be the only way to travel. She gets her own back though. She knows how to fight back as this video demonstrates.

You HAVE to watch this, it's so funny.

Someone quipped that Mallory "goes down like Neymar". I'm inclined to agree.

The drool has also started. We all know that from the wonderful film, Beethoven, there is quite a lot made about how slobbery this breed of dog is. It is true. All of it. Even at this young age, not only are the jowls on this boy getting bigger already, they are also harbouring saliva as well as partially eaten food. Combine this with his desire to clean every single inch of Molly's body, you end up with a Cairn terrier that has crusty dried on food particles in her fur. It is absolutely grim.


I love a tasty human hand to chew on

Also, we aren't getting the amount of sleep we used to. He's worse than a baby. OK, so he doesn't whine as much as he used to, but now he has taken to chewing his favourite toy overnight. In our infinite wisdom, we got him a squishy pig which grunts when you squeeze it. He's also already a bit of a snorer and a yelper while he sleeps. Dunno what he is up to in his dreams, but it sounds like great fun. At least someone is getting some sleep. We certainly aren't.


After all this craziness, sometimes you just have to chill out

Even though all of this crazy shit is going on, you cannot help but love him of course. Wouldn't change it for the world

Thanks for reading


** During the writing of this post (which somewhat over-emphasises the whole "treading in piss" thing), I went into my kitchen to make a nice old English cuppa and literally trod in a pool of piss. **

For the purposes of the next comedy open mic, i nominate the elusive pair of @liberosist and yet again @misterakpan. Akpan, pull your bloody finger out and do it!!


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Aaah good old puppy time ... but all this kind of things are not for puppy's alone. This morning I found a pool of piss inside from our Dutch Shepherd girl ... and the poop was lying next to the piss. And then imagine ... we had just walked her 10 minutes earlier!

That’s quite a few funny one-liners, the raver and the queen of England though, ha.

You sure did describe stepping in poop visually, so uh.. when’s the last time you did that?

Id say a good 10 years ago now. We had a golden retriever who was, unfortunately, incontinent. She'd drop off presents all over the place.

All other funny things aside,

you are absurdly British.

Theres nothing absurd about being British :D

Not even all those extra 'u' letters floating around?!?

Posted using Partiko Android

Oi, it's our language and we will use it however we want.

They are a factory of urine the first months. And the queen will play with him 2 more months and it will be very big

This post made me cry with laughter. It's true: puppies are such assholes (though I would argue that cats are even bigger assholes - they are infinitely superior to every human alive, to be fair, and the only reason they aren't running the world is because of their lack of opposable thumbs). And yet, like the suckers we are, we love them anyway. They're just far too cute. ❤

awww dawww but how can you be made at that little bundle of cuteness. Great pictures! I can relate to the stepping in terrible substances, but in our case our cat Django uses strategically placed poops as punishment for our transgressions. Don't piss off that cat or you will find the most cunningly hidden from view pile of cat shit you can imagine, but still somehow placed right where you are sure to step in it. Yay.

It is really beautiful to have a pet, it is a great experience, despite the facts that bother you. Your pet is very funny, but all it does is to make its owners happy even if they are not the right actions, but i see that it is so beautiful and adorable, that even i forgive their mischief. Blessings for your family.

Lol the video is hilarious. You can see his balance is not quite there yet.

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Oh yeah. I always forget that bit. I’ll update that when I think of a couple of victims

Hahahaha. Quite a darling. The "goes down like Neymar" part cracked me. Lol. I will wait to see what @liberosist comes up with... in the meantime I tinker. Sounds like I got some time. 😛

I think it's the third time i've tagged you in these, so you are actually rather late :)

Admitted! I'm going to do something, and soon :)

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He's one little furry ball of terror :') but he looks so darn cute!

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Awwww ! He's an adorable ''little'' guy .. he reminds me of my dad's dogs when I was younger , he had a cross-breed of a St Bernard and a Pitbull (yes... STRONG GUY.. but a sweetheart ) and a Yorkie Terrier haha.. funny though the little Terrier was the boss in the house.. the big dog was afraid of him :P !

I read through this with one of those uncomfortable smiles on my face.
I'm glad he never pissed on your face, that would have been crazy

Very cute dogs :)