Comedy Open Mic Round # 24 - Better Late Than...

in comedyopenmic •  4 months ago


openmic

I was nominated by @therealpaul (and then @josediccus) to do this thing for this thing, so I'mma put my thing back for a bit so I can get to that thing. Now before I begin, I'm gonna level with you.

I don't do comedy. I tell stories, I solve problems, and that's it.

Well, people have called me funny in the every day world, but not stand-up funny. So, I guess I'll be sitting down for this one. Where are my manners? I completely forgot to introduce myself.

Hi! My name is Jed...


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Hi, Jed.

... and I'm a dick.

That's how we're supposed to introduce ourselves, right?

Now that we got that out of the way, what was I saying again? Oh, right. I was supposed to break down and analyze the very essence of what makes jokes funny, dissect them if you will. Use an algorithm to determine the pattern that gives them the ability to tickle the funny bone. But in the middle of it... I just quit.

That or I'm drawing a blank.



People don't know this but I've been a professional quitter for more than two decades now. Ever since I've retired from being a Stay-at-Home Son a few months ago, being a Quit pro quo (as we call it in the biz) has been the longest job I've ever held.

Apart from that one job where I was "let go" and the romantic partnership I'm in now, I have quitted every other job I've held, every relationship I've been in. I became so good at it, addicts from all over the world pay me to help them kick their habit. The only other thing I haven't called it quits on is being a professional quitter, but the night is young.

Not to toot my own horn, but at many points in my life I've been hailed as the Pablo Quitcasso, the Quitter Pan of Never-gonna-fin, the Quitnin Tarantino, the Kawhi Leonard, among many other titles and subtitles. I don't want to say I'm the best, but I did manage to sculpt my own statue to commemorate my reputation. To this day, it's still half way done.


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Image Source

I'm not sure where it all started though, I'm pretty sure it's not in my genes. My whole family finish everything. Food on their plate, what they started, "him," photos, each other's sentences. Heck, they finished school so well, they went back, took another course, then finished that as well!

They're doctors, by the way, and I was supposed to be a doctor too if I only got around to finishing that exam. But I guess it's better that way than being in the middle of surgery and then walking out, eh? Eh? Tough crowd.

When I was a kid, I was forced to run for Student Council Treasurer. You know, treasurer, the one who handles all the money? At that point, I had grades that qualified me for the Honor Roll, well except for Math. I sucked suck at Math. My Math grades were so bad, they would ask you out for lunch saying it was their treat, order all the expensive stuff, then ditch you right before the check arrives. Put simply, you wouldn't want me anywhere around money. But, some people did.



I warmed up to the idea, and I was all in. I made posters, did campaigns, all that. Heck, I was projected to be close second right to the very end! When the time came to make our big speeches in the final town hall meeting, I stood up there on the stage ready to win everyone's hearts with my spiel. We had about 5 minutes each, and everyone had their own gimmick. When it was my turn, I walked over to the microphone, in front of a packed auditorium, grabbed the mic stand, and said...

"Vote for my opponents."

Then I ran off the stage. True story.


napoleon.gif

Swim meets? I won medals for breaststoke, but in between those, I used to swim a lap, get off the pool and head to the showers.

You should see my Netflix queue! All red lines, never the full length.

Books? I've used about everything as a bookmark because I always end up stopping right before the last chapter.

Articles? Projects? Please.

There was this one time when I went to the movies and I—



Oh, but before I go, I nominate the Maestro of Mwahaha @meesterboom and the eternally witty mama @ryivhnn!


* crickets *

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I'm like you bro! We must brother and sister of the same mother!
I don't finish anything, not even a plate of pasta.
I run away.
I don't do comedy, I tell story.
Anyway, you with the gif of napoleon dynamite, must watch my napoleon dynamite imitation, for shit and giggles, because we are not good at math, but we are good at dancing.

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Oh God, you freaking kill me! That was awesome, you should make a post of it!!

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Right, I'll do it!

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@dreemit just showed me this. I dam near pissed my pants! Great job...Vote Pedro!

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HECK YES! That is freakin' awesome! You have slicker moves than Napoleon, even Pedro will vote for you. I mean, Uncle Rico surely would haha! Seriously though, you move so gracefully! Are you a natural dancer? I'm very impressed! I can't believe you did it move for move!

Other than the dancing skills, I do feel like we are sibs from the same nib. Brava!

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Yes. I feel realized and rather satisfied.

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Awesome! That's all I ever hope for.

I have always said that no one likes a quitter, but luckily for me, my wife does.

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Well, for your sake, I'm glad that you have a prosperous marriage! As they say, nothing is more noble than a self-aware quitter. As to who "they" are, the fuck should I know!

Great post man, I'm gonna work on giving you an upvote.
Peace.

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I'll see that work, and raise you an appreciation! I'm glad you liked it :D I wasn't sure anyone would, so just having at least one person take notice of it is a huge thing.

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An attitude of gratitude is one of the greatest gifts in life. I am sure that you're destined for great things :)
Peace.

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That's the exact same title for my birthday post last year hahahaha! "An Attitude of Gratitude" I'm holding out for hope that you're right!

I quit reading this halfway through.

Just kidding man, I read it all 😄 funny stuff, great job!

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I wouldn't blame you if you did! In fact, I would be proud. It would be an honor if you started reading my post and just left halfway.

I appreciate you finishing it! Please don't think that I think less of you just because you finished something you started. Never think that.

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😂

Procrastinators Unite! .... Tomorrow!

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And, introverts unite! .... separately in our own homes!

Not to toot my own horn, but at many points in my life I've been hailed as the Pablo Quitcasso, the Quitter Pan of Never-gonna-fin, the Quitnin Tarantino, the Kawhi Leonard

Hahahaha my goodness I'm really breaking my ribs in laughter hahsha this is too funny to take hahahaha you nailed this one my friend I swear you did.
Wow I thought I was funny, this is brilliantly done 😂😂😂😂😂

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Coming from a proven winner, that means a lot! Thanks, buddy :D Fingers crossed the judges share your sentiments.

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Buddy this is awesome trust me I never knew if I laughed at my entries but I did with yours, you have that side to you lol that's so funny I'm so glad you embraced it, you will make winning entries.

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I think they've adopted a new format with less winners. I just hope I did enough to make the cut! Thanks for the encouragement, bud!

Hi jedau,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating, this will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied.

Judges:

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Thank you to @matytan for the great banner

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Thanks for the heads up! Awesome contest you're running here guys :D

Hi @jedau! I love your humour. I just have a problem now: you love telling stories but you're quite a quitting quitter (Quitter Pan, man..ROFL!) so.. how could I ever manage to invite you to the Finish the Story contest on behalf of the @bananafish? ;-P

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Yo, yo, yo! My SBI granddaddy! You know, I've had Week 19 up for quite a while now! I was supposed to make an entry there, but life stuff got in the way. I don't see me being able to finish anything in the foreseeable future. I haven't even seen the rise of the elusive @bananafish! Will try to catch it when everything is sorted out!

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How do you dare! Didn't you see the rise of this glorious deity? :-PpP

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How dare I? How dare I!? How dare you!? Oh wait...

Oh man your math skills really are awful-- I can't believe they did that to you. That's cold.

By saying "vote for my opponents" you forced all of the Contrarians in the audience to vote for you, always doing the exact opposite of what they're told. Luckily for you, they also saw the 'Vote here' sign, and then refused to vote at all.

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Tell me about it! .... No, really, tell me about it. It's so cold, my math skills are what the sun uses to cool its beverage. Badum-tss!

That's a great observation, Paulie Burnbino! I say that because it's exactly what they did hahaha! I still came in second in voting haha! One thing I forgot to mention though was that there were just three of us, so I'm either second place or second to the last, depending how you look at it.

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In the middle of three was the place to be; none of the responsibility of winning, and none of the agony of defeat.

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Exactly. "At least I didn't come last."

You had me at I'm a Dick, Hahahaha! The half done sculpture + picture was priceless! And I'm still laughing at the image of you telling a crowded room to vote for your opponents and running off stage AFTER all that campaigning LOL!!

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You had me at I'm a Dick

There are so many ways to slice this, SIS-ero haha!

I've been dreaming of that facepalm for a while now, so I'm glad I got the chance to sneak that one in! People still tease me about that even when I was in college. I can't say I blame them haha!

Oh and by the way, that was a GIF I snipped from Napoleon Dynamite If you haven't watched it, definitely consider it! Also, @sandrina.life did a version of the dance above hahaha!

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Haha, pro-bro-no! I have seen Napolean, nearly peed my pants from laughing, I think it's been enough time where I could get similar enjoyment from it now- because almost peeing my pants is super fun!

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Pee in your pants is always a great sign when it comes to movies!

Okay I think I can breathe now lol XD I'm pretty sure you can be funny sitting down or standing up XP Those titles! That statue! Help I can't breathe again!

Okay, okay I'm good now I think. Phew.

Um, this is the second time I've been nominated and the second time I'm going to run screaming I think, sorry ^_^;

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Hahaha!! See, that's irony right there! If you ever question why we are kins cut from the same cloth, look to this post-comment combo.

As a fellow runner, I respect your decision, matey-mber. Only those who know when to run away are those who reach their destination....'s opposite end.

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Only those who know when to run away are those who reach their destination....'s opposite end.

RoFL! But if you approach from an unexpected direction they'll never see you coming and then you can SURPRISE ATTACK. Is that what we're meant to be doing?

I'm really just awful at competitions, anything here with contest or competition in it I immediately disappear, the only times I've ever gone into any was when specifically asked by the person doing the competition to help get it going, and then it was pretty much favour for a friend to help kickstart their comps and then I bailed like the coward I am after XD

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If you're running around in a circle, then yes. But, since time is a flat circle, then it is as it should be!

I totally understand it, bud. I'm actually the same way! If I would join every competition here I'll be spent! Spent, I tells ya!! No worries about running away from this one, we don't always catch every pokemon we throw our balls at, after all.

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Considering how many comps there are yes you would be XD

Ergh on the not catching every pokemon we throw balls at front, the worst one I ever had was "wild magikarp fled". Magikarp. Fled. On the bright side I can't really fail any harder than that XD

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What!? I consider that an achievement! Magikarp is probably the easiest to catch, so having one flee is a huge accomplishment! Such a rare feat, buderoo!

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Oh trust me after I stopped laughing I told everyone on my PoGo chat about it XD

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Hahaha! Oh Magikarp... such a treasure trove of hilarity!

Don't be sad, Michelangelo started off as a quitter.

And then he became a ninja turtle.
Or something.
Maybe I didn't finish art history.

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HAHAHA! You're exactly right! Such a great example to follow, and then just ditch while in the middle of. Cowabunga, brother! I appreciate you stopping by!

Boom!!a fine piece. You can quit with the I'm not funny schtick eh!!

Note you have started down the path of non quittal!

I scoffed from the very beginning when you said I'm a dick lol, you dick!! :0)

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It has to be said, right? I mean it has to be! Otherwise, people would go on reading thinking I'm sane in the brain. We can't have that. No sir, no sir.

'Tis but a perilous path, one that I'm not quite sure I could keep steady. One day, I just might slip up and admit my hilariousness to... * gasp! * other people!!

I am but an apprentice to the maestro. I learn with every post. The viagra helps too.

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Viagra does help greatly. I don't even bother with a pen when writing shit down and just use my penis for everything now!!!

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My penis is the only thing that could unlock my phone nowadays. I don't trust that fingerprint crap. Not unique enough!

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I ain't blowing my own balloon but mine is just a bit too big for that ickle sensor!

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I don't need to see it to believe it. When I first saw you, I had for sure thought that you had three legs!!

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You should see my mum!!

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OH HEY OH!

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Your penis? SHIT then what will you use to,,,,,,,,,, ???😂😂😂😂😂

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I have my ways ;) Trust me on this!

Quitters never win, they say, but I hope you will. Best entry I've read so far (I've only seen two 😂) Good luck!

Posted using Partiko Android

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That's so great to hear! This is one of the top comments I've read here so far as well, so I guess we're even :D Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment! I appreciate it :D

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LOL. I'm a newbie and that was my fourth (or fifth) comment since I started so the reply is tremendously appreciated. :))

Posted using Partiko Android

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Awesome! The honor is all mine :D Welcome to Steemit! I hope you have a great time here!

... and I'm a dick.
That's how we're supposed to introduce ourselves, right?

"Vote for my opponents."
Then I ran off the stage. True story.

hahahaha

If you think you are not funny please reconsider :P

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You know, sometimes, I do seriously reconsider it. But, I feel like it's against my better judgment. After all, who would I be without self-deprecation??

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Oh, that and just so I could set low expectations and deliver with a kick haha! I can't believe I forgot to include that in my initial comment.

Bruh! I died a few times with this piece! Thought I qualified for being a professional quitter but you are on whole other level, maybe mercenary quittter(don't ask what that means). lol

Vote for my opponents.

😂😂😂😂

Cheers for the broken ribs! :)

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Somebody get a doctor! For the love of EOS, somebody call a doctor! Man down! I repeat, man down!

We like to call ourselves Guerilla Quitters, but I'll take being a mercenary every day. Then I'll just ditch in the middle of it.

Cheers to all the ribs that have given their lives for this! I appreciate the comment and the resteem. Means a lot!

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We like to call ourselves Guerilla Quitters, but I'll take being a mercenary every day. Then I'll just ditch in the middle of it.

😂😂 That's the spirit!! And the ribs thanked you too. lol

And cheers for the upvote and the comment @jedau, they mean even more :)

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No worries, brother! I love to reciprocate support every time :D

How does this end? seemed good and all... i just quit reading cause im lazy.

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I was supposed to write a brief but detailed TLDR synopsis, but I gave up on that as well. I guess I could say, you didn't miss much?

I think we might be able to help each other; I have a problem starting thins and often finish what I never started.

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I like your style! Let's meet halfway and I'll pass the button to you when we get there. I just hope I muster enough fortitude to last that long, and that you'll be there waiting instead of completely ditching.

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That's my real problem, I'm good with starting halfway into it but thats only if I'm not aware that's when I'm starting because starting halfway is still starting and starting has been the problem in the first place. Its a viscous cycle, I don't know where to start

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In your case, I advise you to start in the middle. Ask no questions, just go where the wind takes you.