Have you ever experienced a trauma so intense that your bowels unintentionally released and everyone in your life remembers that day as "The nightmare when our friend's bowels unintentionally released."

A local man recently suffered through a Steemit user's worst nightmare, when he woke up this morning and realized that he had completely forgotten his Steemit Memo Key.

“Picture the most awful moment in your life and then imagine also being hit square in the face with a monorail train at the exact same time” said Todd, the heartbroken man, who asked that we withhold his last name, and who is known on Steemit as @onsteemit4damemos. “Last year, I was browsing /r/WatchPeopleDie and stumbled upon a video of my father getting repeatedly stabbed in the pancreas by twelve machete-wielding Brazilian street gangsters tweaking on meth. That was bad. This though...this is the genocide of my happiness.”

Asked whether it was potentially offensive to compare losing a website password to brutal killings and murderous ethnic cleansing of entire population groups, the distraught man vomited and looked into our eyes with the distraught look of a man that had stared into the eternal nothingness of our meaningless existence.

“Are you not understanding?" asked Todd. "It was my memo key!”

Photo by Gerd Altmann

Steemit, a decentralized social media platform intended to provide a forum for people who wish to open a Steemit account to complain about Steemit, provides each account holder a number of “keys” which must be used in order to perform various essential actions on the platform.

The “Posting” Key is used as a means of getting the attention of the wealthiest Steemit feudal lords--known platform wide as “Blubber Filled Devolved Water Cows”--in the hopes of becoming their vassal in exchange for a pittance from the Blow-holed Class member's portion of a pool of cryptocurrency that has not yet been carnally defiled.

The “Active” Key is used solely for purchasing votes from robots.

The “Owner Key” can be compared to a Steemit User’s “brand” or “tagline,” and is meant to be posted at the end of every post made on Steemit, Twitter, or the local Townhall bulletin board, so that everyone will be aware that this key is attached to that particular Steemit User and their Account.^{See Important Note at Bottom of Post}

And then there is the Memo Key--the most important of them all.

“I remember and have backups of all of my other Steemit Keys. Except for my Memo Key. And my Memo Key is everything” Todd said. “But now it’s gone forever--and so is my world.”

Todd woke up this morning with a loving, devoted wife of over twenty-three years, and with whom he'd barely ever had a disagreement, let alone a fight.

But only two hours after telling her that he'd forgotten his Memo Key, Todd’s wife had left him for another man who she married shortly thereafter, this afternoon. She is now expected to give birth to her new husband’s baby in less than a week.

“And that's not even the worst part of forgetting my Memo Key," said Todd. "Earlier today, my son was in his last year at Harvard Medical School. I just found out that as of about twenty minutes ago, he had dropped out of school and gone on tour as the spoon-and-washboard player for an experimental jam band...And he's now addicted to horse tranquilizers.”

With his life in shambles, Todd is doing the only thing he can think of to survive.

“I’ve started to Power Down my SP. I have no idea what the future holds.”

As of press time Todd’s wallet contains 5,432,486.94 STEEM POWER.

This has been an entry for Comedy Open Mic Round 3. Please accept this fact, notwithstanding the extreme seriousness of Todd's predicament. There is nothing "comedic" about one's child joining a jam band. A person can't come back from that.

IMPORTANT NOTE:

DO NOT ACTUALLY PUT YOUR OWNER KEY ONLINE ANYWHERE! DO NOT PUT YOUR OWNER KEY ON YOUR STEEMIT POSTS OR STEEMIT COMMENTS. DO NOT PUT YOUR OWNER KEY ON TWITTER. DO NOT PUT YOUR OWNER KEY ON TOWNHALL BULLETIN BOARDS. NEVER PUBLICIZE ANY OF YOUR STEEMIT OR STEEM RELATED KEYS TO ANYONE!

IF YOU NEEDED THIS REMINDER, PLEASE ALSO BE REMINDED NOT TO PLACE YOUR GENITALS INTO AN INDUSTRIAL WOOD-CHIPPER.