Introducing BlobfishSchool - How to Smear Your Gelatinous Slime All Over The Trending Page By Expanding Your Air Sac and Pushing Your Insides Out Through Your Mouth

“The blobfish really doesn’t like being up here.” But we all still just have to deal with this disgusting slime-ball until he eventually sinks back down into the depths where he belongs with the other creepy bottom-feeders and a giant diamond that senile old lady tossed overboard.

Alright marks people I’m about to con gullible idiots I disdain pyramid scheme victims future fellow blobs, you know how little respect I have for your time, so let me use my own version of the “may I have a minute of your time to talk about Mormon Fake Jesus” trick to waste even more of the previous moments left on the forward end of your individual light-cone1:

1. Steemit is a community.

2. Some people make good things and some people make bad things.

3. I don’t like some things. That means they are bad.

4. I don’t like other things. That means they are bad.

5. Are you new? You’re an idiot. And if you do idiot things you are acting like you’re new. And new people are idiots.

6. Let me patronize you a little bit here and link you to another piece of literary diarrhea that I plopped out for you gullible people who will give me your money because I write about how I write about how I’m being honest with you so you should trust that I’m a real honest, transparent guy.

7. It took me a while to figure out how to bilk you people out of money, so don’t worry if it takes you a while to figure out how to try to use my methods to bilk people out of money while I bilk you out of money.

8. I don’t like some things. That means they are bad.

9. 

10. I don't like what some other people say or how they say it. That means what they say is bad. Let me go ahead and use some square quotes around a word so you know how much I don't like it. Steemit "conversations." There. I feel better now.

11. Cutting during the rewriting phase is silly. If you put a lot of time (which is the same thing as effort, right?) into cramming something full of words, keep most of them...maybe even add more...that's how to write well.

12. You aren't successful because you are a poverty-stricken coward.

What do I want you to think I think is the conclusion that follows from all these barely connected not-quite-insights? That Steemit sucks because you're poor and boring and the rich people (don't include me in that group because I'm totally not one of those nouveau-rich assholes until it helps me trick you into doing things that make me money, and then I'm definitely one of those nouveau-rich assholes).

Here's a Large Pile of Shit:

Do things that I say to do and you'll make Steemit better. That will make me a lot of money. And don't I deserve it? Look at how many words I can type. Can you see that effort. Can you feel how sincere I'm being when I type all of these words. Typing a lot of words is making good content.

I Almost Forgot I Was Using a Sea-Creature Metaphor. So let's...like...I don't know...let's dive in!

Let me hedge a little bit when I define "quality writing" here, by saying that I only mean it for the purposes of this article. See, I'm aware that I'm pretty much just running a psychological trick on your here. But I have some small part of me that still feels feelings. And that part of me knows that I'm defining "quality writing" here like a complete dickhead. The money makes all that better though! Because you're just dumb idiots that I don't care about. (I've told you that I think you're dumb idiots in a cutesy-aw-shucks-that's-just-the-author-being-the-author way many, many times, because I'm super super honest and I can't feel bad about conning you with psychological tricks when I'm also being strategically honest, right?)

Anyway, "quality writing" = Ad copy.

Literature is garbage, don't worry about that crap. We're trying to make money here. Remember, I have a very low opinion of you people (a lot, lot lower than I let on in my writing when I call you idiots so you feel like I'm a buddy razzing you at a sporting event, ensuring you don't notice that on a deep level, I see you only as means to my ends). Because I use a cute psychological trick of faking the persona of a guy who is "obviously playing a role who is a bit of a narcissist," it ensures that you're distracted from how big of a rapacious scumbag I really am!

That's the real reason I'm pretending like I think the measure of quality when it comes to writing is it's conformity with marketing and advertising standards. I don't really think that. I just don't think any of you can or should be involved with things like literature. I'm repulsed by you and simply need you to help me acquire stuff, so I think anything beyond word-trickery is outside the scope of your intelligence, capacity.

I don't think you deserve things that would touch your soul.

To me, you are less than worthless as a human being. You're nothing.

You're Nothing.

By the way, was I originally planning on using some kind of aquatic metaphor? What happened with that? I guess I just forgot. Oh well, metaphors aren't important. Repetition and well-placed links are what matter when you're trying to trick people like you into buying into my character that's a lot less evil than how I really am! You are all idiots, lol!

Purposefulful Linguistic Error

See what I did there? It's another one of those tricks. I purport to give you advice on how to be a good-writer and then I use a fairly common "error" in the following heading. You think that was a mistake? It's another one of my tricks. One of the more harmless ones...although it does show how little I understand about how language--especially English--works beyond whatever mid-list pop-culture books and youtube videos about marketing language that I supposedly perused.

I Have No Respect For You As a Human But Getting You to Help Me Get Rich Requires Me To Pretend Like I Think of You as Improvable

Just don't carefully re-read everything that I've already written because if you catch-on to the depth of my depraved solipsism, you'd never pay attention to another thing I wrote ever again.

I'm supposed to be giving you advice on how to be a blobfish aren't I?

It's a good thing I'm calling us blobfish. If I was call us, say, "sharks" then I'd be thinking I'm witty with calling my psychological manipulations masquerading as advice, "sharkschool." And that would just be incredibly dumb, since even little children know that a group of sharks is rarely called a "school," thus making my witty thing unintentionally dopey and embarrassing for me, a very very good writer.

I can type that I can teach you pretty much everything. Assume that anytime I write something, it's me teaching you how to be a blob, like me, and you can then call it a "curriculum" because I think that a curriculum is a listing of topics that are taught in a class, because I don't really understand much of anything outside of selling crap to people I don't respect.

I Suggest You Spend Money While I Gauge the Best Way to Make Money Off of You Spending Money

Spend money.

I'm going to tell you that you won't make enough money (and I'm going to tell you really emphatically) that you can use Steemit in the exact way that I am attempting to use Steemit by tricking you into helping me make enough money. Yeah it's a circular process where I'm the only winner, but you won't notice, because I've primed you to try to beat the odds by using an old psychological trick by telling you that you can't beat the odds. And that's yet another way I'm going to trick you into playing your role in ensuring that I make a full-time income (and then some) from my author rewards here on Steemit.

I am definitely a bad person. And I am definitely a charlatan. But at least I'm--

Well...no. That's it.

::Insert Subtle Reference From Instagram Page About Hiding Your Real Personality That I've Used to Convince Myself That What I'm Doing is Not Just Not Disgusting But Actually A Good Normal Thing that Good Normal People Do::

Reinflate your air sac and jiggle those ff blobs...

Reinforcing That We're Just Buds Ripping On Each Other? Yes!

You'll Never Figure Out How Much I Deeply, Viscerally Loathe All of You in a Very Not-Kidding Kind of Way

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Footnotes

1.Look it up, flairtender. We both know that you know this is all addressed to your middling ass, and that you’re not exactly a savant outside of your scuzzy ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’ type marketing tricks. Come on Daddy!