Why I Am Not A Virgin (Explicit Content)

The reason I am not a virgin is because you cannot expect a married man to be a virgin. I am not saying I am married. I am saying I once went up the mountain and saw the prophet smoking weed. I was dazed. Well, he sensed my shock and told me. “There are many ways to be as high as the Most High, but this is the fastest.”

So there we were, a pair of smoking bastards soaking up the afternoon sun offering our exhaled smoke as a sweet burning fragrance to the Most high. And that was when she told us we wanted to get home. Oh, I didn’t tell you about her. She was the person who had rung the door earlier that morning asking for a job. I asked what she did best and she said blowing people. Actually, she was a boxer. If a job involves blowing, does that make it a blowjob?

Anyway, the mountain was becoming slippery as it had been raining all afternoon. Yeah, I talked about soaking up the afternoon sun, it was actually raining. Don’t blame me, blame the weed. On our way down, we saw a monkey that had three balls. I am not kidding. Probably it was a mutant or something, I don’t know and I don’t care. When the other monkeys came around, I realised that he actually goes around stealing balls. I mean footballs. If you were thinking of something else, you need to get your shaft cleaned.

So we got to the base of the mountain and I felt urine pouring on me. WTF! I looked up to see an angel struggling to fly. It then hit me; I didn’t finish my blunt up on the mountain. The angel must have taken a drag and… well, to smoke is human and to get high is divine. (Isn't that the original quote?)

Just when I was about to get into my car, I saw the monkey formerly with three balls sulking by the car. I’m humane and all. So I walked to the car and asked what’s up. He told me he wanted to ask the girl beside me out but he had no balls. I was like: “Man, you’ve got no balls? Damn! I need to evaluate you.”

So we looked around and discovered that the only place we could get some privacy was in a strip club. So man, we walked in. The girl who blows people for a living, the monkey without balls and me, the only sane person around. Just as we got in, I saw the prophet behind the counter, no shitting. I was like, “Man, what are you doing here. Aren’t you supposed to be doing the work of the Lord?” He told me, “Nigger, this is the house of the Lord.”

Well, it turned out that the strip club was actually a church and a mosque and a Buddha temple. Well, luckily, the strip club was still on. So I walked to a cute lady and asked if she could take us somewhere private. Now, this lady looked at me, at the monkey with no balls and at the lady who was prepping to blow.

“What do you want to do?” She asked.

“I want to evaluate this monkey. He’s got no balls.” I replied confidently, already getting tired of the entire affair.

“Is that your pitch? Aright. Follow me.” She said as she walked into a room.

Man, I was like WTF! Did she think I was digging to prod the monkey or have the boxer blow me? Hell no! I am a virgin.

Anyway, I walked in to see a very large lady sitting in the corner. SheWhale was written on her shirt. I greeted her but she didn’t reply my greeting. Well, it didn’t matter to me until she asked the girl with me what she could go and she said she could blow. I turned to the SheWhale and told her to mind her fucking business. She told me to keep quiet or else she’s going to fuck me up.

“Fuck me up! You can’t. You need to have a dick to fuck and I’m sure you don’t have one.” I dared her. She called me an arrogant brat and I lost it. Just as I tried to hit her, she lifted me up and smacked me on the ground. It was then I understood why she was a SheWhale. Man, I was 100% fucked up. And that right there is why I am not a virgin.

The end.

This is my second entry for the Comedy Open Mic - Round 8. I decided the take the challenge of using the following words in this one: mountain, pair, rung, slippery, shaft, urine, evaluate, strip, cute, pitch, greeting, arrogant. You can read the first entry here The Things That Make A Guy Mad (Comedy)

Thanks for reading

Blessings

[Image source 1: Wikipedia Commons]

[Image source 2: Original meme by me (minus background)]