The Things That Make A Guy Mad (Comedy)

(Walks to the stage.)

Folks, I am pained, very pained. I really don’t know why your fellow guy should be the one standing In the way of your happiness. I’m going to tell you the story, and, I hope, at the end you’ll understand why I feel the way I feel.

(pauses)

So my friend, who was also a neighbour, sent me a message via instant messaging that she was coming around. Unfortunately, my internet provider was messing up so I didn’t receive any message until after she had left. Heck, I should have noticed the writing on the wall that today was going to be a rather unhappy day, but I didn’t.

Anyway, she appeared and everyone came out to greet her. I don’t care; I’m not stingy. I just relaxed like the little kid who knew what was his was going to get to him. She came right up and gave me a hug. Now, brethren, this wasn’t the kind of hug a… er… horny dude like me was expecting. I couldn’t feel the things I needed to feel on my chest. But hey, no rush man. What’s mine will come to me.

So we went into her one room apartment and began the little talk. We practically ignored the elephant in the room because we both knew it was right there. I just didn’t want to wham, wham wham. I’m not a prick, I care about my friend. So I tell her she looks good and all of that stuff ladies like to hear.

Now, my friend is gradually getting warmed up. Everything is going according to plan. I simply need to get some ‘umbrella and shut the door. Just as the magnets began to attract, this dude appeared from no where, knocked once and burst into the room.

I was mad but I remained calm. Hell, I should have locked the door a long time ago but I didn’t want to look too desperate. My friend isn't as excited about… er… ‘stuff’ as I am. If I rush things too much, she might think I only care for sex. We’ve been there brethren, and it was tough for me. I had to endure blue balls until I could calm her down and assure her that she was more than just a sexual partner to me.

So back to the room. The guy walked in and stared asking stupid questions. Now, we’re on the bed already and the spirit was moving. (certainly not the Holy Spirit, brethren.) I know this guy has a crush on my friend, a very big one. Heck, sometimes I have great pity for me because he’s stuck in the friend’s zone while I get to worship in the temple. My friend on the other hand always enjoys having guys crush on her. I don’t know why, I don’t understand it but it doesn't matter as long as it doesn't get in the way.

So I struggle to pay attention as this guy made jokes that weren’t funny and my friend laughing away. Hell, I don’t know who was annoyed more, me or the little guy below that was already primed up. So I began to give the guy signals. I would pace the room, walked to the window, look him in the eye… hell, I did everything but scream “Dude, get out of the fucking room. Shit is about to go down.” But no, this guy wouldn't bulge.

Now, this guy is bigger and taller than I am so there was no trying to drag him out of the room. Plus, since she wasn’t my girlfriend, I didn’t have the right to walk him out of the room. Man, I was sitting ducks. So I left the room. Yes, I left the fucking room. My little guy was getting angry already, I needed to console him with something. When I got to my room, I met another guy. Fuck!

I mean, how hard can it get. This guy was sleeping on my bed like he owned the fucking room and he wasn’t willing to bulge. What was I supposed to do? Tell him I wanted to have a little private time with my little guy? Hell!

So I walk back to my friend’s apartment and this dude was still there. I used to be sensitise and shit, trying not to hurt this lover boy’s feelings but I couldn’t take it anymore. So I joined my friend on the bed and began to play with her toes. She was enjoying it. The dude obviously wasn’t as he didn’t have such access. Well, that was the plan. “Get the fuck out dude!”

It seemed like this guy wasn’t going to leave anytime soon and my friend wasn’t going to spend the night over. She only came around to drop some things in her apartment and I thought that was a great opportunity to cash in on. So I left the toes and moved up. I’m not a pervert. I don’t like people watching me while I do the things I wanted to do. But I needed to get the dude annoyed or my friend so horny that she would chaise him away. One of the two had to happen.

Brothers and sisters, none of them happened. My friend keep enjoying the little things I did on her body while the guy focused on other stuff. Long story short, by the time the guy left, it was already too late to do anything. My friend had to be in the bank before four pm and it was already past three. Fuck!

Man, right now, I’m mad. Really am. This is a one hundred percent real story folks.

What to help the way I feel?

Try a 100% upvote and resteem. That should work.

Hell, my little guy is telling me it’s time for our little private time. Catch you later.

This is my entry for the Comedy Open Mic - Round 8 by @comedyopenmic

I nominate @seesladen and @jo5h

Thanks for reading. Forgive the expletives, it’s just the way I feel.

Blessings

[Image source 1: Wikipedia]

[Image source 2: Wikipedia]