Mother-out-laws - Murderous intent - Comedy Open Mic Round 28

Src

His mother-in-law had just murdered a man in cold blood. Francis wondered what the hell he was supposed to tell his wife. Also, the parents of his boss. Should he tell his mother? No ,better not open that can of worms. Come to think of it, even his co-workers will notice the absence of pain in their ass. He hovered near her, thinking if one should say thanks to someone for murdering their boss. Something that his wife had suggested as a joke. Anyway, he needed to be in her good books, even if she went to jail. He knew enough of Julie, his mother-in-law to know that bars of any kind couldn’t handle her.

They both walked to the car in silence.

“Any fingerprints?” Mac felt himself obliged to ask.

His mother-in-law gave him her usual glare, bemoaning his stupidity.

She had found something colourful clinging to her black ensemble and was removing it carefully.

“You will of course not talk to anyone about it. For all intents and purposes, you had taken me out for ice cream.”

Francis thought the police will see through this blatant lie. Never in the history of the son and mother-in-law relationship had they been found going for a convivial outing like ice cream.

“I scream?” He said.

“I had insisted on it.” she replied haughtily.

That the police will believe.

“Er the murder weapon.” Francis asked tentatively.

“I’ll hide it under your pillow.”

Although he knew she was being sarcastic, it didn’t bode well that it was the first answer she thought of.

“What do I tell Amelia?” Amelia was his wife.

“She knows.”

Francis sustained this shock well. His wife was as scared of her mother as he was, but in an effort to ingratiate herself with the woman who carried half her DNA, she followed her around like a yes woman.

No doubt when her mother had picked up a crystal decanter and held the african knife lovingly in her hand to nonchalantly declare her intent to murder, his wife would have nodded like a ventriloquist doll. She would do anything for approval.

His next line of thought was more puzzling. Was she a serial killer? Or was it just a hobby she’d picked up post retirement? Which ice cream should he say he bought for her?

“Chilly chocolate?”

She understood and gave a twisted smile.

“Blood Orange.”

Figures.

---

“But they won’t find the body.” Amelia said airily, continuing to read her book.

“In eighth grade when my teacher made fun of her brownies at the bake sale, he was never heard of. People thought he skipped town. Instead, mom had go-”

Francis cut her off as he did not want to be an accessory to more murders.

“It’s okay, she has a system. You just need to keep your cool throughout this ordeal. Did you thank her, by the way?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING MAD? IF A DERANGED WOMAN KILLS YOUR BOSS AND DISPOSES OF HIS BODY. YOU DON’T THANK HER. YOU TURN HER IN TO THE POLICE.” Francis gave way to anger.

Amelia tut-tutted.

“She warned me.” Amelia sighed and coshed her husband with the book.

---

“He wanted to call the P-word mom.” Amelia said as she sat for a coze with her mom, after tying up her husband and dumping him in the basement.

“Prostitute?”

“Er Police, why would he call a prostitute?”

Her mother stared pointedly at her swollen belly.

“I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.”

“You’ve been saying that for the past two years.” a voice behind her said drily.

With terror in her heart, she turned around to greet her mother-in-law.

“Where’s Francis?”

“He’s out of town for a few days.”

“That’s funny, he sent me a message to come urgently. Hello Julie.”

“Hello May.”

There was a pregnant silence. Amelia self- incarcerated herself in the basement next to her husband.

The mexican stand-off continued till they went to sleep.

---

“So, what do you do to kill time, Julie?” May asked her in the morning.

“Freelance work.” Julie replied tersely.

“Ah does it pay well? It would be a crime to not get paid for your efforts.”

“I don’t do it for the money.”

“Ah what a buzzkill. But something must be said for passion.How do you like your chicken? Grilled?” May asked sweetly.

“Don’t worry, I like to make it myself. What will you have?”

“Donuts.” May said promptly.

“Are you expecting company?”

“Yes, my boyfriend loves donuts. It’s guilty pleasure down at their precinct.”

Julie’s hands shook a bit as she poured the coffee.

“Fucking the police?” she said with a wry smile.

“Yes, I starting dating again. Maybe you should also catch someone?”

Julie took a deep breath

“Tea or coffee?”

“Guil-tea.” replied May.