Bacon Mafia

Src

The absence of the smell of bacon woke me up. Really, what was the world coming to. I suppose the health campaigners had managed to put an embargo on the porcine delight. By the time I got downstairs the familiar scent of bacon wafted from the neighborhood. God was in his heaven. All was right with the world.

I switched on the TV to find the re-run of documentaries about the pig rebellion. Years ago, a bunch of people called the vegans started to make noise about animal products. The butter aficionados ignored them, the sea food enthusiasts deplored them, but the bacon mafia floored them. A rise in vegan killings led to the coming-out of the bacon mafia. It was laughable at first that an underworld for bacon selling exists. But somewhere between crack cocaine and meth lies another addiction that seemed innocuous enough till the bacon was pulled out of circulation by the mafia to show the hold they had on us.

They infiltrated the government, financial institutions and were openly running the country. One of the laws decreed veganism to be taboo. In my high school, children of hippies were given a wide berth and anyone buying excessive veggies with no proteins was locked up.

They were jokingly called virgins for they had not tasted the delights of the flesh. It hurts me to think my own brother belonged to this class of lunatics. He had seemed so normal growing up, ate his meat and two veg, even had burnt bacon. It wasn’t until he met his girlfriend that he got into an unpleasant habit of having more vegetables, having something fruits for breakfast and resisting the lure of a thin, crisp, striped bacon. That elusive packet of happiness in an otherwise monotonous life,

Naturally my family kept mum. We didn’t want him to get caught. All of us threw him an intervention with little pigs in blankets to tempt him. He ranted and raved and stepped out of the house. The idiot went and bought grapefruits and started throwing them at houses like newspaper. He was caught at the seventh house. The grapefruits were cordoned off like crime scenes, because really it was gruesome. The thing barely looks edible. A ball of tasteless water. Just remembering it gives me the shivers.

I’ve kept a low profile since then, but I do let my bacon proclivities be known. I have it for desert too by candying it. Even going so far as to make myself a bacon perfume. Lard is the secret ingredient. You may think I’m unfeeling, but I really do miss my brother. I was never given to rebellion, so did not even consider joining the vegan cult.

But the vegan cult seems to be rising. Farmers have been getting poor returns for a long time now. The mafia had usurped their business and made vegetables redundant.

So, my days chugged along. Even though my brother was in jail.

---

This morning I woke up and avoided bacon.

I am not accustomed to giving my mind unpleasant notions, but my brother’s arrest made it personal. Even though, I go about my routine work with an unaffected facade, sometimes, and please don’t judge me, I like a non-greasy piece of broccoli with tomatoes and capers. I still love bacon. But lately, I’m beginning to feel suffocated. I love its scent, and dutifully have it in every meal but I need my space, maybe I want a nice piece of steak. Oh God, what was happening to me. Was I falling out of love with bacon. Maybe we need some couples counselling. Yes, you guessed it, for people disenchanted with bacon, there’s counselling.

So, I went to the therapist’s office, ostentatiously to help with my sleep but surreptitiously to see if I could find other people in my position. Most people looked shifty eyed and scared. I couldn’t guess and risk capture.

As I went dejectedly to the local mall, I saw a girl shoplifting Brussel sprouts. She was so hot like the sizzle of bacon but fresh like the lettuce sticking out of her bag. I pointed out the offending leaves and she flashed me a quick smile.

“Have you heard of Brian Bunt?” I’d never thought I’d use my own brother’s name for picking up a girl, but he was something of a celebrity among the virgins.

She instantly warmed to me “Are you a vegan too?” There are times when a man must weigh a lie, would lying send him to hell or get him the girl.

Naturally, man cleverly thinks that heaven and a great girl are the same thing. So, this man who although he may be having doubts about bacon but was emphatically not a vegan, lied through his carnivorous teeth.

I was careful not to call her virgin. But then I met more virgins when she took me to a party - a vegan propaganda party. He felt like he’d walked into the wilderness. The host had apparently recycled weeds into party decorations. The food was enough to cure me of my bacon overindulgence. I’d readily have bacon than carrot sticks. They also passed a revolting looking thing called charred beets. Beats me to see how anybody could have that.

But to ingratiate myself to Glenda - the beautiful vegan, I swallowed the atrocities.

“We have a special guest today with us.” said the chief herbivore.

He raised a toast to me and said “Pacho Bunt.”

People shook my hands, hugged me, although I didn’t encourage that due to the strong smell of chlorophyllic green.

The party got rowdier and drunk vegans started coming up with wild schemes. I really wish Glenda wasn’t so hot or else I’d have been out of there in no time. Also, the drinks were free.

It was around 3 am that one very high person suggested my fate. Nonchalantly.

“Let’s break into the prison!” The consensus among the inebriated was that the man was a genius. I however intended to remove him from the gene pool.

So, in one short day I’d met the girl of my dreams, partied with vegans and was now going to break into a prison to save my brother.

Well, that escalated quickly.

I just wanted to go to bed. Instead, I was forced into an ill-fitting green t shirt as we charged to the prison. I was pushed unceremoniously to the front and as I had fortified myself with 6 shots of tequila for the ordeal, I shouted

“Release the Virgins!”

And I got beaten up black and green.

---

I nominate @soundwavesphoton and @amymya to create an entry for comedy open mic round 29.