Let's talk about porn. (27)

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

Specifically, the porn that your grandparents watch.
"But," you say, "my ma-mah and pop-pop lead the church choir every Sunday, and don't even own a computer!"
And I say, " ONE - don't let that fool you, and TWO - since when has not having a computer ever stopped a dirty mind?"
Sprinkle in the tiniest bit of dementia, and maybe just the smallest little whiff of a controlled substance for pain management, and suddenly, life is a porn stage, and gram-gram and pappy are the directors.

3EC80D2400000578-4364850-image-a-27_1490889991105.jpg

Grandpa: "Oh yeah, get in there. You wearing rubber, now teach that dirty stove a lesson. And what's that, a Kenmore? Boy, you got good taste in appliances."

Grandma: "Hello, operator? I'd like to buy your product. Now, the handsome man in the commercial comes with it right? Oh, that's good. Yes, it looks like my son has 3 credit cards I can give you."

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Grandpa: "Oh, Vanna White, you sexy temptress.. you wore that red dress just for me? And what is this secret message you put on the board: Luck be in the air tonight? How did you know that is my favorite song? I'll put it on the old turn-table while you and me slow-dance, heh-heh..."

Grandma "Oh Wayne, you sexy chocolate man, you want me to look under my seat? But then I'd have to get down on the floor, and won't be able to get up! You gonna raw-dog me down on the floor Wayne? You gonna show me a special prize in your pants and then help me back up?"

Grandpa: "Wait, what is this shit? This is some tomfoolery! Nobody wants to see a woman shooting a gun! That fine young lad in the back ought to be laying down the heat. Change the channel, grandma!"

Grandma: "I just don't understand broadcasts these days, why did our grandson ever upgrade our cable package? I'm so confused, please just bring back my soaps and infomercials. I can't work this new remote. We might be stuck watching this for a while, grandpa."

Thirteen hours later...

Grandpa: "Finally, some TV I understand... You get that pill, buddy! You gonna slip her the old moves!"
Grandma: "Get real, you old fool. That woman is definitely getting it from the milk man."
Grandpa: "Shows how much you know, old woman: there are no milk mans anymore."
Grandma: "Oh yeah, then who has been giving it to me in the back door for the past 45 years?"
Grandpa: "We don't have a back door..."
Grandma: "Shows how much you know..."

Think I made all this up?
Well, I worked in a nursing home for 4 years, and guess what? Bodies get old, but some minds never do.
It doesn't matter how old it is: a dirty mind will always be dirty.
And you know what? I think it's fucking awesome, and hope that I have as much fun if I'm around 40 years from now.

I nominate @blewitt and @dollarsandsense to entice us with some stories about old folks being awesome.

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I guess since there are no more Sears catalogues anymore...

Lol a dirty mind really is a joy forever .. ask the grannies :)

Lol, this is beautiful and awesome! :D Rock on, Granny, Gramps, and Mr. Clean!

Methinks your post hath inadvertently explained why there is so much censorship online: because the first generation of Internet users are not yet alta cockers.

Haha the internet is gonna get a lot more interesting

This is funny. I once visited a nursing home with some friends of mine. My friend's girlfriend got one of the old ladies alone and asked her what her secret was for living so long. She was, like, 98 years old, or something like that. The woman said, "Get lots of di*k."

Yep, the human flesh is the human flesh.

Haha, yeah, I loved being around the old folks.
For what seemed the majority of them, the older they got, the less they cared what people heard them saying or saw them doing.
No topic was ever off limits, and they had no qualms with letting everyone hear how sexist, racist, or perverted they were.
Which, as far as I cared, was delightful.
Plus, I met some true golden oldies, that had done some amazing shit: one guy had fought at Guadalcanal, another was at Pearl Harbor as the bombs dropped, and one old lady was one of the very few that was a female pilot during World War 2.

Yeah, when you start talking to people and hearing their stories, the pretenses can drop real quick. I think as you get older you start losing your give-a-shits. I've noticed it in myself. At 52, I have far fewer give-a-shits than I used to, and the ones I have are tainted. The older I get, the more give-a-shits I lose. I've lost so many now, I just start tossing them every now and then. I think moving forward, I'll host a jettison party. On that day, I'll toss a handful of give-a-shits that are no longer useful, operational, or out of fashion. I'd sell them, but the only people who'd be interested in them are young dips who don't know better, and they'd only misuse them. So purposefully throwing your no longer used give-a-shits is a pretty useful endeavor, in my opinion. And it can be downright soul cleansing.

HAHA dude you should write a post about cleaning out and discarding your give-a-shits. That was funny. I think my grandma has only a handful of give-a-shits left. And I love hearing from her, cause she can say what's on her mind, whether or not the truth hurts, like nobody else, and I love her for it.

Good for you. I haven't always appreciated the lack of give-a-shits in old people, but now that I'm getting old, I'm beginning to. It's amazing what the passage of time can do.

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