You Might Have a Steemit Account If... ComedyOpenMic Round 10 - Upvote Give Away!!

in comedyopenmic •  2 years ago  (edited)

Many of you are familiar with the “You might be a Redneck,” series of jokes made famous by Blue Collar Comedian Jeff Foxworthy. I would like all of you to join in and submit ideas for You Might Have a Steemit Account.

For example:

If you sit for three or more hours a shift posting quality content in the restroom at work, you might have a Steemit account.

Or,

If Facebook now reminds you of your local newspaper’s obituary section, you might have a Steemit account.

Or

If you send a text to a friend and, later, absent mindedly find yourself checking on how many upvotes it received and how much it is worth, you might have a Steemit account.

Probably, you can do better. Put it in the comment below and have fun and maybe an upvote or two! Thank you.

I nominate @choogirl and @tuwore, seconding the nominations from @samueldouglas and @diebitch respectively.

All credit goes to @acolucky for coming up with the concept and creating the post

Update: We've already upvoted a few comments, keep them coming, we will come back and upvote more until the post is paid out.

If you'd like to see steemians also rewarded for being original, please Restreem, Follow @comedyopenmic, and Comment below with a reply. We will try and come up with new ways to reward original comedy as much as possible. So tell all the funny people you know to come by, and tell your unfunny friends too, we'll teach them to be funny. Check out @comedyschool.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
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If you keep having sexual fantasies about @jerrybanfield you might have a steemit account

The things you learn on steemit...

No COM round is complete without some mention of Jerry.

Personally, I've always preferred Tom

Oh come one, how could you not love that face?

@jerrybanfields

Buahahahaha

You really pulled a rabbit with this one.

image (1).jpg

WOW

I was going to go with a fursona-type thing, but thought that might be taking things a bit far. Also, how do I get an upvote from @lionindayard? Maybe if my comments were shorter, more efficient, and I used less words.

😂😂

if you check the value of your posts more times a day than the value of your 401k, you might have a steemit account

You might have a steemit account if you once thought of Bernie Sanders as a loveable old man, but now dread the thought of crossing paths with him

We think he's a cool guy.

As long as he's taken his meds, haha. Jokes aside, gonna use this theme for one of my entries this week.

Si mientras estas teniendo sexo no le quitas la vista a la PC para ver cuantos votos tienes, es posible que tengas una cuenta en Steemit xD

English:
If while you are having sex you do not take your eyes off the PC to see how many votes you have, you may have an account in Steemit xD

cuando llegas más alto que las drogas y el sexo cuando tu publicación comediópérmica te gana un voto de todos los tiempos ..... tal vez eres adicto a tu cuenta steemit

If you miss out on sleep, sex, work and friends to write stuff, you might have a steemit account.

If your net worth is 100x your bank balance and it can double or halve in a matter of days, you might have a steemit account.

especially if you're a minnow with only a $0.03 balance in your bank account

Here, have $0.03

The sad thing is I have a negative balance :(

cheer up, stay positive

Tbh, an interest free overdraft means I've got nothing to complain about :p

I wish i was a minnow, I'm more like plankton

I'm plankton too (getting close to minnow though, couple hundred more SP)

lol if your plankton that must make me floating plastic particles

$0.03 is not bad, there is huge trade going on in $0.00 😂😎
With that said allow me to give my $0.00 to you.

My bank account is at like 0.03 so it's more like 1000x or more. Why cash out when I can go earn a dollar instead

I could be homeless and I still probably wouldn't cash out.

I can definitely relate to that second part, the fluctuation in price of Steem keeps me awake at night

Awake with excitement? :D

If you spend ten hours on a post for it to get 3 views and 10 replies of “Upvoted, follow back” .... then you might have a steemit account ...

Ha ha ha, upvoted please follow back dear 😂😂

If you have no motivation to do anything that isn't monetized within 7 days, you might have a Steemit account.

If you think that cryptocurrency and blockchain technologies can solve all the world's problems, despite knowing nothing about politics, philosophy, or international trade, you might have a steemit account.

If you have an inability to grasp one or more of the following: ethics, economics, game theory, basic literacy, or literally anything about being funny, you might have a steemit account.

If you finance your penchant for paying people to pretend they like you by upvoting various one-word comments and gumming up the network with your low-effort spam, then you might have 7000 steemit accounts.

Oh Man, now I feel like a sucker for getting paid every month...

These ones are gold. :)

If you've stopped having normal human interaction

Wait... This isn't normal?

If the Hispanic girl you are hooking up with calls you “Papi” and you automatically mumble “fuck Sharkschool” under your breath, you might have a Steemit account.

You might have a steemit account if you keep checking market cap every second

If your heat rhythm looks like a steem price feed...

Gosh darnit, this be'a good idear.

  1. If you've ever spent 2 hours writing something that's 20 words long, you might have a Steemit account.

  2. If you've wept tears of joy from when a "human whale" likes your writing, you might have a Steemit account.

  3. If you now see everything in the universe as "potential content", you might have a Steemit account, as well as a significant problem.

  4. If you feel the need to have separate monitors for blogging and account management, you might have a Steemit account.

  5. If the thought of a "giving big whale" arouses you, you might have a Steemit account.

Yes to all of the above for me haha!! I use 2 PC's and 3 monitors and then there's my phone

Everything in life becomes potential content. Definitely a sign you have a steemit account

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

If you're at work and instead of working you're always on social networks, you might have a Steemit account.

True, You just gont get the same dopamine from a fb like anymore.

If you take pictures of everything you are doing and think about what text and tags will bring the most exposure, then you might have a Steemit account.


If you suddenly like and share every video on YouTube, even though you never used to do that before, then you might have a Steemit account.


If you say Pass to sex every night for a week in a row because you have to make just some final touches on your article, then you might have a Steemit account.


If you start cleaning the mess around the house because it might happen to take a photo of that, then you might have a Steemit account.


If everyone who knows you are amazed how much have you changed (you are actually doing something with your life), then you might have a Steemit account.


If your neighbors are looking strange as you talk with your phone while gardening, then you might have a Steemit account.


If Discord it become the only messaging platform you are using, even though you are not a gamer, then you might have a Steemit account.
I will let others to have their go on this 😅.

Surely with your crypto gainz you're able to buy a drone to film yourself gardening... Mobile is for fb.

My crypto gainz are so low that it's embarrassing to even talk about 😂. Or, just maybe... neah, it was a joke, I get it now 😂.
Also, I live in some village from Eastern Europe. If my neighbours will see that, I bet on one of two only outcomes.
First, they may just destroy my fence when walking over with torches and forks.
Secondly, the fine for flying a drone in my country can cover the cost of a small plane, plus the fuel to the nearest civilized country, where I can sell the same plane for an also small but fancy house, lol.

Of course I can avoid the fine by bribing the right people 😉, better than USA anyway 🤣.
Sounds too crazy to be true? Choose Romania for your next holiday then 😁! I will be your host and guide, be sure that I am gonna charge you an insane amount of money, in SBD.

Help, I can't stop writing on this 😂😂😂.

If you create the #comedyopenmic tag when it is not an entry for the contest, you are not a #comedyopenmic judge and not a degelator for #comedyopenmic but you expect an upvote,
That's a sign you have a steemit account.
Haha

but then you don't get a fat one, and you're jealous of @berniesanders

So I kept creating entries using the #comedyopenmic tag.
It's possible that my previous entry was not viewed by @comedyopenmic, @dj123, @idikudi, @bitfiend, @thedelegator, @roelandp, @take5, @berniesanders.
But it's almost broken off my finger to make entries and they do not come too, once they come, to bring donwvote.
That's when you lose your steemit account.
Haha

hahaha thats true!

You have a Steemit account if you are constantly browsing the web to find latest crypto news to write about!

Writing about crypto, on a crypto... This sounds like a job for Xzibit.

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

When you used to be a heavy gamer (twitch and all) - BitcoinFiend but haven't played a game in 6 months because you gotta get that next post out you might have a steemit account.

When you consider dumping all your cryptos into one you might have a steemit account.

When you like a Facebook comment and remember what it's like to have a worthless upvote but you still considered your vote weight before you clicked it you might have a steemit account.

You might have a steemit account if you get frustrated when your friends want to hang out because it sets you back on your posting schedule.

When youve stopped commenting on any and all Facebook and YouTube posts because there's absolutely zero chance you'll ever make money from it and you've realized just how much money these censor filled social media platforms make off of your content, you might have a steemit account

If you think George Carlin as a person who publishes GIFs + comment posts daily.

Wasn't that his famous act: 7 great gifs you can't show on tv?

If you live your life 2.4 hours at a time.

If the Ramen noodles you put in boiling water for "a minute" start burning you might have a steemit account.

If the word Bernie Sanders has any association with red you might have a steemit account.

If you frequently refer to puns with steam or sea creatures you might have a steemit account.

Just buy takeaway with your profits no? then post about your burned water and buy more food.

win, win, win.

Thank you @comedyopenmic for being optimistic. You might have a steemit account.

You might have a steemit account...if you make a witty comment when you're out with your friends and then sit back in silence while you wait for their upvotes.

silence...
...
...
...
...
more silence...

continues to wait. maybe he just didn't get the joke....it WAS pretty witty after all....hm.....

Hm...
narrows eyes
No...
He couldn't be that witty...

submits Steemcleaner report

bacon.jpg

bacon2.jpg

lols. There may be a wee bit of missing context there.

Maybe...

when your phone screen gets carpet burn from you finger hitting refresh so often....you might have a steemit account

When I see a password that is too long and probably crazy to memorize it. That's where I have a steemit account.
Whether my answer is connected or not?
Hahaha 😜

when you have to lie in a comedic reply to get an upvote, you probably have a steemit account

If you read the last tag as let-shave-some-fun-people, you may have a steemit account.


If playing capture the flag gives you PTSD, you may have a steem account


If your idea of "trail mix" is following both jerry and punchline in steem auto you may have a steemit account.


if you don't understand a post, but you upvote it anyways because 1000 other minnows upvoted it, you might have just gotten a steemit account

If a week after a good roll in the hay, you go and ask for payment... You may have a steemit account

When you know the name Bernie Sanders but you have zero knowledge of politics you might have a steemit account

Who's Bernie Sanders? The only one I know is @berniesanders

Maybe that is what @berniesanders wants you to believe. Maybe Bernie Sanders is actually @berniesanders and uses steemit as a cover-up. Is all part of his master plan.

If you spend most of your day on Discord you might have a Steem account.

when discord is like the little flask of whiskey to get you throw your workday, you might have a steemit account

You might have a steemit account, If you are always finding some contest.

The best contests, are the ones within contests.

You might have a steemit account if your making mad gainz from commenting but cant figure out how to get them

step 1: Sell Soul

If donkey video's make you laugh and make you angry at the same time you might have a steemit account.

stop bullying for once and try to live a life

Please Change this comment. This is a community comedy post you're posting in. Please take your disagreement with @erodedthoughts elsewhere.

I will give you 1 hr to change your comment to be more appropriate before I flag you.

@erodedthoughts he is doing same to my posts. flag whoever you want. not going to stand for bullying

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

This isn't his post. This is a community account. As I said. It's not bullying, it's enforcing a standard and implementing rules where people act civil at least in one small corner of steemit. Go to his post and post whatever you want.

i just did

And yet you refuse to remove your vulgar comment above. ok.

you know what you are right its not your fault or mine if someone is a bully. sorry for the bother.

No, they have just spammed 60+ comments to me, thank you for suggesting it to them, lol. It is comic gold for me.

@comedyopenmic,
if you wish to leave FB, Twitter, YouTube, Brazzer, you might have a STEEMIT account!
It might help you to find all alternatives like, STEEMIT, DTUBE, ZAPPL, DPORN :D

Cheers~

hey guru! glad to see you here too....imagine if this becomes a staple....be great for all minnow right?

btw. where you're next COM post for round 10, we've got over 40,500 SP to smash your account with some comedy love, hopefully grow you into a dolphin in 2018!

@dj123,
I was busy with Sinhala and Hindu New Year festival! Now I am back to the mission :D Already posted round 10 entry #1
Nice to see you too friend!

Cheers~

when people ask why what's wrong with pornhub, and you said it's better to get paid wanking off on steemit and dporn........ you might have a steem account

@comedyopenmic,
You got the point! DPorn is one of my best project which is going to run on STEEM blockchain :D
Pay for watching haha :D That would be awesome :D

Cheers~

If you have over 40 tabs open in your browser and you never find time to close them then you must have a steemit account

40?... amateur.

lol. that's high for me.

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

You know you have a Steemit account when you haven't checked Reddit in the past month.

Just replace addiction with a more profitable one.

If you enjoy reading drama about a rich anonimous korean guy, you might have a Steemit account aswell.

If your answer to friend talking about news on a beer is "Nice post, upvoted please follow and upvote" you might have a steem account.

Just for laughs... My first openmic entry...


If you are reading this or commented on this post...you definitely have a Steemit account.

If your best comment is ipvot me sir. I folo you plz ipvot for me then you might have a Steemit account.

If you wake up browsing Steemit.com before you even brush your teeth...then you might have a Steemit account.

if you decide to upvote before flushing the toilet..... err...yeah maybe we'll keep that confidential, sounds like top secret stuff!

welcome to #comedyopenmic @nairadaddy!

If calculate your weekly grocery shop in SBD and realise you cant afford to eat, you might have a Steemit account.

Just wait for steem to hit the moon. Then you can eat gold!

If you keep crossposting your fantastic articles to Facebook and your Facebook friends think you're crazy. :-( sob

if you have learnt to mind your business when you see two big people fighting on social media then you most definitely have a steemit account

.... if your kids describe what your are doing to strangers....'my dad is always scrolling on steemit' as if that stranger is to know what the fuck steemit is.

You may have a Steemit account if:

  • You pull over your car to take a picture of something cool to post and possibly get paid $.03
  • You get carpal tunnel syndrome from up-voting everything
  • You accidentily tell a live performer that you like them and will resteem
  • You visit the acquarium just to see the whales,minnows and plankton

If you have officially given up on your blog 20 times only to find yourself logging back in the next day to submit a new post, you might have a steemit account.

when you're a masochistic blogger, and you invite others to join you in the pain..... you might have found a home with your steemit account

This well the thing, haha

If everyone around you starts to complain about how scarce you are becoming these days then you must have a steemit account

If you think @yenlau is a rapist, you might have a steemit account

If you refuse to read the trending page, you might have a steemit account.

if you hid away from the trending page.....you might have a steemit account and reading one too many i hate-bid-bot post on steemit

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

If you wake up in the middle of the night with an excellent idea for your blog, you are probably a steemit addict

If you agree to work at social site & earn SBD you might have a steemit account..............

It you start liking posts on Facebook then wonder if you haven't gone beyond your daily limit, you might have a steemit account

If you work double shifts at a factory of factorable existence and you see @diebitch laughing hard you might have a steemit account

If the ONLY reason you still have a Facebook, Twitter, or Linked in Account is that you can share your Steemit posts then you might have a Steemit Account.

If you always take pictures of everything that happens around you because you don't know when they might come in handy then you must have a steemit account.

You might be a redneck if you have a steemit account and a big belt buckle that says: STEEMIT. Wait, did I read the rules correctly?

if your day went upside down, you might have a steemit account

If you look at a post that's 30 mins old with 75 upvotes and only 3 views, you might have a Steemit account, and you just might be into circle jerks.

You might have a Steemit account if you avoid using mentions to prevent certain users from flagging you.

when @berniesanders, @transisto, @steemcleaners scares you, you might be a bad actor on steemit.... and not like the ones who failed drama101 in college

Luckily, I'm not scared of them because I don't do anything that draws their ire!

You might have a steemit account, if you became happy when your post gets $0.01 !

if you had to tell a friend you got your first $0.01 worth of real crypto.... yeah, looks like you might have found the real steemit

If you are never out of data, always studying crypto graphs and can barely remember your Facebook password then you must have a steemit account.