Comedy Open Mic - Round 26 - Winners' post

in comedyopenmic •  last month

We're continuing with the new format. Let us know if you like it.

Firstly, please look at our logo:


Thank you to @gnarlyanimations for designing our new logo

It is here for two reasons, firstly it's pretty gnarly. Secondly the reason which came first is that it hides who the jester is. As do these words because they will show up on your screen so we're trying not to give it away.

Our Top Prize this week (and every other week) is of course Court Jester. This week we're giving away 35SBD along with a lifetime of bragging rights.

We had 4 nominations for Court Jester and they are:

{Pause for dramatic Effect}

[This Space intentionally left with writing on it.]

Our Round 25 Court Jester:

@themadgoat:
Comedy Open Mic. Round # 26: Fun Facts About Animal Mating Habits: Rape, Pissing, and Penis Fencing

My Aunt once told me, because animals don’t engage in homosexuality, that proves it is unnatural. It takes one look at the naked mole rat to realize two things.

  1. God does make mistakes.
  2. “Natural” isn’t always the best.

My aunt would be horrified to know that not only are animals gay as fuck, but if the sound of nature had a band name it would be a speed death metal band called: Fuck Murder Rape.

Dolphins

Professors in Australia discovered that dolphins “...engage in extensive bisexuality, combined with periods of exclusive homosexuality.” You might think that means dolphins are “woke” but that would be like giving Andy Dick a pat on the back for being “open minded”.

Dolphins have long retractable penises that can be used to grab things or feel around with. Scientists have observed dolphins wrapping their dicks around eels to masturbate. Flipper and friends are famous for gang raping female dolphins or each other’s blowholes if they get drunk and can’t find any pussy by the end of the night. The internet is full of videos of helpless vacationers getting dry humped by randy cetaceans… or I guess that would technically be wet humping. Gangs of asshole dolphins have also been seen sexually terrorizing helpless sea turtles.

Some scientists say animals cannot commit rape because that would imply a sense of morality, which animals do not possess. Instead, we should refer to these incidents as “Forced copulation.” I don’t think a 400 year old Galapagos turtle getting used as a pocket pussy would agree with that sentiment. Also, if you ever hear someone say “It's not technically rape” don’t ever invite them to your house.

Flatworms

If you google dolphin sex, (which is now in my search history) you’ll mostly find articles about rape. If you google Pseudobiceros hancockanus sex, every article will include the phrase “Penis Fencing.” Can we stop for a second and marvel that the flatworm's Latin name has the word "cockanus" in it? Flatworms are hermaphrodites. When it comes time to mate two flatworms will whip their pointy (or sometimes hooked) cocks out and have a swordfight. The first worm to score a hit will inject the other with its sperm, forcing it to become the female. The winner will then swim away and hide from having to pay child support.

Porcupines

Camping out on the side of a mountain and watching the sunrise is 100% effective for making you marvel at the beauty and complexity of the universe. Watching porcupines mate will destroy that part of your soul faster than a bad case of chlamydia. Female porcupines are only in heat for twelve to eighteen hours a year so by the time she’s finally ready to bump uglies, sexually frustrated males are long passed thinking about their dream girl and have gone full on R Kelly.

The female will spray her little corner of the forest with a mixture of piss and vaginal mucus to let the boys know she’s ready to party. Males follow the sweet sweet smell of poontang for miles only to find themselves at a giant porcupine sausage party. After the males all beat the shit out of each other the victor will have to pass one more test. The porcubro unleashes a typhoon of piss up to six feet away, drenching his beloved. Of course, all the losers aren’t giving up yet so they start pissing too, turning the scene into some kind of spiky German fetish bukkake golden shower video. If the female is impressed she will allow herself to be mounted. All that freaky water play has gotten her hot and bothered so she fucks the shit out of the porcupine with the dankest musk until he is exhausted. If he can’t hang until she’s done with him she’ll toss him aside and get the party started again until the insatiable fire of her lust has been extinguished by steamy hunk porcupine fire hoses.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Congratulations to you Goat, becareful in case our goat whisperer approaches, he can be deadly but silent

The remaining prizes will be announced in the comment under this post.

Come say "Hi" to the judges or get tips on improving or just chat with other contestants. We have opened up a ComedyOpenMic discord channel, Click Here. Don't be shy, come say "hi".

Round 27 is now under way so remember to put in your entries, upvote our contestants and share the laughs all over steemit and beyond!!

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Congrats ! Thank you for your great support @comedyopenmic this will be my first post to vote with a 100% since I have the power of @anomadsoul's vote behind me. I hope the community is helped with this vote, and may we all pee our pants with laughter this week :)

Thanks to @anomadsoul making me "A whale for a day" by following my vote while he is traveling, my vote will be followed directly by his vote with the same percentage. So thanks to this you will receive a much higher upvote than I could give with my own Steem Power.

Have a great sunday my com-ies :)

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Congrats on the 'whale for a day' thing @anouk.nox 💪

Wow😆

Amazing... My return to COM & a veritable cavalcade of LOTR analogies won me a prize 🙂

Chuffed to bits! Love COM.

As the piss-take version of Tom Bombadil in The Harvard Lampoon (board of the rings) would put it:

Toke a lid, smoke a lid, pop the mescalino! ...Hop a hill! Pop a pill! For old Tim Benzedrino!

I think there's an important message there we can all learn from 😂

Yay! Congrats to all !!!!

I am humbled and honored to be chosen as this week's Court Jester. I hope you all enjoyed my post as much as I enjoyed writing it. I would also like to thank all the drugs that made this post possible.

Congrats to all. Honored to be on the list somewhere (way at the bottom but on it) 😬

How do these contests work? I wanna be rollin in that sweet SBD....

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I mean... connecting with fellow comedians, having a laugh and getting to see what all the crazy kids are up to!
But truly- I'm new any guidance towards the funny people is welcome!