Comedy Open Mic Round 12 - Some stories from booster916

in comedyopenmic •  6 months ago

Since "@doomsdaychassis" gave me the microphone for this comedy show, I will also tell you some funny stories about my life so far.
He started with a strip club - I will start with a strip club too.


First time in the Stripclub

At the age of 18, me and my best friends were due to visit the strip club. A "must have" on the way to becoming a grown man in my eyes. I mean, every man likes naked girls and every man who denies it lies!

So we went to the strip club and the bouncers were a little sceptical. I just thought to myself, "Don't ask us for the ID, because that would be really embarrassing. We were 18, looked like 16 and felt like 24 with balls of steel.
We didn't have to show our IDs and proudly walked down the stairs with our heads held high and entered the strip club.

We sat down, ordered something to drink and enjoyed the naked women all around us. The drinks were correspondingly expensive. A closer look reveals that this is where the cheerleader effect comes into play completely. You think that one woman is hornier than the other, and when you see her on stage together, it may seem to be true. But if you look at just one by one, you quickly realize that you've seen dozens of prettier women on the public streets, but they weren't naked, so I have no reason to complain.

So as not to bore you any further, I'll get to the point. One of our clicks, our prankmaster Andy, had got a Viagra-like remedy from wherever. The idea that one of us is also on the road with a permanent stand in the strip club is also too tempting.

The first one who had to leave the toilet and lost the view at his drink was, of course, the victim. And when Andy informed us briefly, of course we agreed, because we expected a great show from the action. No sooner said than done, he overturned the crushed Viagra, our buddy came out of the toilet and drank his drink - we could stifle the gloating and ordered the next round of drinks.

The desired effect was that he got a stand and spent several hours in the club. We've made a mistake. Although no, Andy miscalculated slightly. We were best friends and had nothing to do with it.

Our victim started to feel uncomfortable, not because his penis, but he got a headache, followed by dizziness, cold sweat, became white as chalk and barely got air. Apparently, he was allergic to the Viagra Andy gave him. That was really the very last thing we thought of. The prank wasn't planned good from Andy.

In the end, we had to call the ambulance and the evening planning was a bit of a flop all thanks to andy the little fu*k. But we are still friends, drink together and never loose sight of our drinks when leaving the room.

Remember: Yes, you can be allergic to Viagra and this is really dangerous. When we were 18, we shit our pants.

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This performance was enough to warm me and you up and we continue with the main program:

Small accident during the skiing holidays

A few years ago I went skiing in France with my gymnastics team. A cool crew to have for every shit. Fast skiing, handstands in risky places, half naked skiing, drinking, half naked drinking; the pictures that came out of it should probably be sealed forever.

Anyway, one evening after skiing and dinner we sat down at the table and played drinking games. A very enriching pastime. We had rented cabins and invited our neighbours, some Frenchmen, who we drank under the table as Germans to the point of unconsciousness. You see, history repeats itself. We were very buzzed, but we knew that the French will not be on the ski slope tomorrow. Afterwards we drank a little more ourselves and probably escalated a bit, as we had to realize the next morning.

When I got up the next morning I noticed that on the one hand I had little sleep and on the other hand I was still kinda drunk. One of my absolute strengths is that I can't get a headache. Neither by blows from martial arts, hangovers from alcohol or those everyday headaches my mother always complains about.

When I took my first step out of bed, I realized that I stepped in something damp. I bent down and saw that it was vomit. In Germany there is the saying "You stood with the wrong leg up" when people are in a bad mood or angry/agressive in the morning, but that was probably the next level.

I looked over at my colleague, a Russian, who was sleeping next to me in our room for 2 people and shouted at him: "You ******! You threw up on our floor! And on your backpack!" Completely confused and hung over, he stared at me and said, "What, I didn't puke." The floor and I didn't agree.

At first I limped into the bathroom to clean my foot without spreading more vomit in the house. Afterwards I looked briefly into the living room and found the next snap corpse. I found him lying on the floor in a deep sleep and wondered why he wasn't sleeping on the couch, and when I looked over at the couch, it became clear to me on the one hand, but on the other hand I was suddenly quite confused.

I woke him up and asked him [...]
He looked at me a little puzzled and said "Why the couch is upright? I think it fall over."

What the Fuck?!? It fall upright?!? I couldn't get my head around laughing, but the karma hit me straight in the next moment. Back in the room, my Russian friend and I discussed who puked or didn't puke. That he couldn't remember it and he's really sorry. Just as he wanted to get up to wipe away the vomit, Martin came into our room, saw the Russian with a towel and said, "Why are you cleaning Tino's vomit?" (Tino = me)

Neither the Russian nor I understood what he was trying to tell us. I was sure it wasn't me, the Russian accepted that it was him, so what does Martin mean by that?

So here's what happened:

After you all went to sleep, I relaxed and had one more beer on the balcony. Afterwards I wanted to play a little prank on you, peeled onions in the kitchen, put them in a bowl and wanted to put them on the heater in your room.

When I entered the room I saw some Snickers on the table and took one. Just as I took the Snickers in my mouth, Tino suddenly tore open his upper body, was awake and looked at me eating ~~my~~ your Snickers. I thought to myself, Martin, you're blown. Suddenly he screams, pukes his soul out of his body, floods the whole floor and goes back to bed as if nothing happened. Now that you had vomit in your room, I left the onions for an even more intense aroma and left the room.

When I heard the story, I could hardly believe my ears. It's so funny how bizarre the story is and it would never have been discovered if Martin hadn't entered our room to steal a Snickers and put onions on our heating while we were asleep. So it was my turn to pick the puke up and clean the bagpack of my russian friend.


A bit embarrassing, but this is the funniest story I have in stock. Live it comes across much better than in a written text, but I hope you had your fun.

I thank you and give the microphone to @matkodurko and @valorforfreedom !

The rules to participate are here!

All picutres used are from Pixabay and free to use.

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Best regards

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Hey @booster916,

We're planning on starting a Comedy Open Mic Deutsch, would you be interested in participating there?

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Yeah, why not ^^
Guess I would appear from time to time

I always get Russians to clean up my mess too, but I am British, so it's to be expected. Great entry!

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Why would the russians do that? :D

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Only the Russian hookers :p most Russians don't like us much

Oh, you Germans. There's nothing funnier than your friends trying to kill each other and puking all over the place.

It does remind me of the story of my German boss Alex and a couple of hookers though.

I probably can't tell that one here. What's the statute of limitations for solicitation?

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Germans can be pretty funny when they arent working?

What's the statute of limitations for solicitation?

You mean for the Contest? I am not really sure. Guess you have to check it out from their blog

Best regards ;-)

Very nice. Gotta love drinking stories. I'm half German half Irish so I have no idea which side makes me drink more. Lol.

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One for beer, one for whiskey :D

Good stuff, Luckily enough, when I get that drunk I completely forget everything I have done!! Though some flashbacks I wonder if they are bad dreams or drunken moments.

I hope your nominees take up the challenge.

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Thank you for your reply ;-)