Comedy Open Mic Round #32. The Unnaturally slow burning Sparrow joke.

So I have been nominated for the comedyopenmic by @spunkpuppet. I do not know him personally but I shall be checking his profile out of curiosity. Well thats his job done with the profile name! I am checking him out because of it. He sounds normal! Id love to have been a fly on the way when he signed up for Steemit.
I know what username I shall pick"!! [Eats pizza with no hands while controlling some fox on Skyrim]
@spunkpuppet .Haazaa. They will definitely check me out. Check and mate

It worked!

Seems like a well rounded individual. A fan of the picasso. Wait a minute. Could it be a lady? If it is I will be sending her 100 SBI and upvoting every one of her posts. Is she going to Steemfest? Can't be. A laaaaaaadddddyyyyyyyy wouldn't be so crude. Maybe @spunkpuppet is their email username and username for everything! Gas , Electricity......

Phoning up to update her details: Can you spell spunk please? S....P..U

Dear spunkpuppet. We wish to inform you that your subscription for the New York times has ended. Good day to you

Spunk puppet reminds me of one of my favourite one lined jokes of all time!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock this morning!

I found this joke hilarious. I actually found it alot funnier than anyone else. The joke was told around a canteen table in college and I did a massive HAHAHAHAHAHA before anyone else. I shut up promptly when everyone looked at me. No-one got the joke. I'm not alone in the world!! There was another sad weirdo out there who came up with that great joke. More than two because the joke spread and someone told someone else and eventually it got back to me!There must be thousands of us! Ahhhh good old sockie saved me from many a wet patch in my teenage years! Now back you go in the locker sockie behind my world cup 90 sticker book and I will see you the same time tomorrow night or maybe in the morning or maybe even in a half an hour if I can't sleep!

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Masturbation was considered taboo back in the day in Ireland. It makes you go blind apparently! I'm still wondering about that one spending my teenage years looking at blind people in a disrespectful manner but they couldn't see me anyway so what they don't know won't hurt them. A wise friend called Johnny once said to me "There's two types of people in this world. Liars and wankers and I'm no liar".
Fair enough Johnny I said thinking about our handshake a moment ago wiping my hand down the side of my jeans.
Think about that the next time you shake a guys hand. Was this guy pulling the plum off himself a few minutes ago. Johnny definitely was.

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Even though we were all at it like rabbits, Johnny's revelation led to a conversation in the pub calculating Johnny's vital statistics. How many times had Johnny been at himself. So lets say Johnny who was 17 at time of calculation did it once a day (by the looks of pale gaunt Johnny there was bodily fluids leaving his body more than once a day I tells ya).
Johnny came in to the pub half way through and joined the discussion about his masturbation calendar.
Thats 365 days until he announced that he was too busy with the xmas presents on xmas day so minus a day and he never did it Good Friday out of guilt that Jesus had died on that very day. Anyway that's 363 x 3 years when he started. 1089 give or take a leap year!Johnny thought this was a great laugh. One of the lads called him a "wanker".
Of course I'm a wanker said Johnny. Who isn't??

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That one liner joke really made me laugh but I preferred the jokes that landed long after they were told. There was one joke I didn't laugh after the punchline delivered and the teller of the joke told me you won't laugh now, or later on. You will think it is a worst jokes ever but you will laugh at some stage and when it hits it hits big and you won't be able to stop laughing. I was like
will you go way and don't be talking shite ya bowsie. Six months later I was lying on the grass looking up at a couple of birds and the joke landed. I told the same joke to my cousin. A year later he was sitting on a forklift and it hit. Again he did not find it funny but he does now. So here is the story. It's a true story by the way.

A teacher is wanting to correct some exam papers in 4th class which is kids school in Ireland for 10-11 year olds so she gives her class an essay to write. The essay is "Write 500 words on a bird of your choice". You have an hour. So off the class went, and the teacher corrected some exams and drank some tea. So after an hour the teacher told the class that the time was up. She went around and collected the essay looking at the titles while going around.
*Niall , you wrote about an eagle, wowwwweeee *
Jennifer you wrote about a pigeon, very good
Patrick, about a raven , I look forward to reading that

She then came across the next two essays about a swalloww.

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The swallow is a small bird that migrates to sunnier climates in the winter season. Its lifespan is on average 5 years and it's wingspan is a mere 5cm............

The teacher was impressed with the level of descriptive detail about the swallow and gave the essay an A+. She picked up the next essay.

The swallow is a small bird that migrates to sunnier climates in the winter season. Its lifespan is on average 5 years and it's wingspan is a mere 5cm.............

*Wait a minute.This is exactly the same (a bit like Steemit and Weku).
Someone has been copying someone else

She called the two boys up. She was very angry that one of the boys was copying because she was big into honesty. so she made the boys write the essay again on different sides of the classroom. She gave them another hour to complete the task. After another hour and another cup of tea later,she collected the essays off the boys once again
She picked up the first one. It read:

The swallow is a small bird that migrates to sunnier climates in the winter season. Its lifespan is on average 5 years and it's wingspan is a mere 5cm..........

Okay she thought same as the original.

Then she picked up the other boys essay. It read:

tHe swAlLow IS a bIrD aN hE hAVe A rOuNdY HEad.

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There it is. So simple.

I know you did not laugh at the above joke but somewhere deep inside a countdown timer has initiated. My cousin rang me last week laughing because he saw a swallow with a roundy head. I told him the story 3 years ago. A friend of mine wants to know what the guy was thinking for two hours and that's all he could come up with. The part I found funny is that he couldn't even get the grammar right in 2 hours. He have. I've always wondered as well what became of this child who thought the main attribute of a swallow was having a roundy head. Creative director of a fashion house i imagine! Well thats what he calls himself in Mr Chicken alright.

Now after writing this post, I had to go and figure out how to enter it into this bloody contest. comedyopenmic round 32 rules.

I'd love to join your competition but there were less rules for the jews in nazi Germany.

**Upvote and resteem.

• Stand on your head.
• Shout a random expletive at the cat.
• Comment on last post.
• Kiss your arse while doing a backflip
• Nominate 2 more people
• Resteem the last post
• Sing "you can call me al" by Paul Simon backwards.
• Upvote everyone that is a judge.
  (a 1% upvote is fine, finnneeee, you tightarse.Anyone who upvotes 1% you need to go and peel an orange in your pocket you hungry hungry Oliver Twist w£$%kers.
• Upvote our sugar daddy witness's for they have the purse strings , are godlike, and were wise enough to put 100 quid into the ICO at the presale Steemit. Don't disturb them with your petty attempt to squeeze an upvote from them. It's all been tried before. Never works unless you send them a video of you dancing in pain on hot ashes.
• Once you have all that done press send.....
• DONT FORGET TO PUT COMEDYOPENMIC IN A TAG you thick c@£ts.
  T & C's (1 SBI to the winner after 32 rounds. Thanks for the whales for sponsoring us 1 million steem.)

Just extracting the urine guys! I love you long time!
Thats it from me.
Back to my usual ramblings now that Steemit is up.
Good night.

Are those my feet?
@blanchy

I nominate @balticbadger & @deirdyweirdy