Comedy Open Mic Round #43 The Great Clonmel Facebook Sting of 2013

I was out in Germany in October 2013 and my phone started lighting up in the office. It was all kicking off in my hometown Clonmel. Clonmel is a town in a valley of the Comeragh mountains in the south of Ireland with a population of around 28,000 people. Big enough to not know everyone and small enough that if you don't know the person, your best mate does.

Get on Facebook boy, it is all kicking off

I went on Facebook and went to the page I was given and started scroll. My mouth opened with shock at what I was seeing. This was huge.

So the story behind what happened is pretty simple. A girl was at a house party and she left her mobile phone at the house. Two guys at the party decided to pick up her phone and go through it. It had no security so they started going through her facebook messages and her normal messages. They discovered that lots of men in Clonmel were texting her on facebook messenger and normal text message. This was fine but the majority were happily married men and some were the pillars of our society here in town.


The next day these two hoodlums decided to set up a public Facebook page of their own and post all the interactions between th lady and the men on Facebook.
After just a few minutes the page started to gain traction and never before had Clonmel a scandal like this. Prominent figures in Clonmel were in very big trouble when they got home from work.
I knew this girl to see and you could tell why she was getting the attention as she was very good looking. I actually felt sorry for her. It turned out she had a penchant for married men. I am not talking about 4 or 5 guys. We were talking at least 20 guys and she never deleted any of the messages from them. Now I totally disagree with anyone stealing private information and I feel very bad for the girl but after a few minutes most of the town was on Facebook watching it unfold.
The first set of screenshots was from a neighbor of mine called Seamus. In his forties with 4 kids. Seamus was stupid enough to send a topless photo. The other one wasn't allowed due to censorship but we all knew what it was. Seamus was a bit of a dickhead so I was delighted. He was a policeman so everyone was pretty alright about him being caught with his pants down. The best part of the message was when Seamus propositioned the young lady in a text message:

Do you want to come up to the field beside my house for a ride?

Seamus was never the most charming. Ride in Ireland means sexual intercourse. He went into detail about how his wife Ann lost her sex drive and he was gagging for it. Seamus was ruined.

Ten minutes later there was a new post. Trevor was his name. School teacher. I didn't know him but my friends all did.

If he was a chocolate bar he would eat himself.

Good looking fella. Trevor was married to the token female sexy school teacher that every school in the world has. Yes that one. The whole of Clonmel was wondering why he was straying. Texts were flying, group texts were set up. This was getting out of hand. September 11th 2001 was the last time that people gathered together to watch what was going on.
Meanwhile Seamus had put up on his facebook page that it was all lies. Everyone laughed. You were topless Seamus you bowsie.
The third victim happened to be my cousin Jim. Jim was single so Jim didn't really give a toss. He posted up on his facebook.
It's a sad day for me. I thought she loved me
He got around 1000 likes in one minute.Half of Clonmel was online and waiting patiently for the next updates. People gathered around in homes, offices, schools , pubs and park benches to stare at the next updates. During this time there were alot of nail biting going on from married men but also from their other halfs.
Within 20 minutes there were 2 more updates.
Larry who played football for the local team got stung. Meet up was in a car by a lay-by up the mountain road.
Richard who worked in a Butchers down town was the next poor soul to get stung. Everyone knew Richard. He was a lovable rogue. Shelia his wife was well used to it. But Shelia was the type to bate the living daylights out of him with a leg of lamb. She worked next to him in the butchers. Shelia had gone to a concert one night and he invited the girl over and she agreed. The texts after the deed were a bit weird asking her if she was on the pill as he was too old for another baby.
Shelia was going to kill him.
Get Shane to run into the shop and see if Richard is still alive. Shelia is going to murder him.

How many more can there be?? This is getting ridiculous. Trevor the school teacher had just issued a rebuttal but they were falling on deaf ears, He was caught rotten and that was the end of it.

Another update. A young personal trainer called Niall from the local gym. Not much of a surprise. Niall was quite the dish. The texts were epic.


He was a romantic at heart and everyone was more embarrassed for him than anything. Talks of marriage and rings. This guy was in love. Little did he know though. Our girl was ripping him behind his back. They included a message to her best friend about how this little gym bunny had fallen for her and that he was
shite at sex. He used his middle finger only to do stuff which creeped her out.
Niall was called Middle Finger from that day forward. This developed into the nickname Fuck Off for obvious reasons. Fuck Off now works in a gym in another town.
My father text me and asked me what was going down on the tinternet and facetube. He was in the pub at 1pm (that is a whole other story.More of a tale of woe than a comedy) so I started sending him some of the screenshots.
Be ta Jaysus!!
Even Richard??? She must of been desparate if she was knocking him. Smell of raw meat off him.
An hour later 4 more accused were published. The comments were hilarious. A solicitor, a shopkeeper and a 2 of the towns prominent jewellers. Yet again, screenshots of messages revealing everything from the dogs name to how well endowed they were.
The solicitor kept harping on about the finger up the bum. This sent the town into raptures of laughter. Texts flying again.


At this point in the story you will come to the conclusion that this girl was a lady of the night so to speak but I can categorically tell you that she was and is not. No payment was expected of any kind.
That day went down as the funniest day ever on Facebook although many a marriage was ruined. The Facebook page was taken down shortly after. There were about 10 more unveilings but some were just flirty text messages. A marriage ended over some of the flirty messages also. The damage was done. Wifes were roaming the streets looking for their husbands in hiding. Solicitors were being contacted. Personal trainers were revising their one finger fingering techniques.
I survived the clonmel Sting started getting posted on Facebook. It came up on my timeline a few of months ago that it was the 5 year anniversary of the sting so I called a few friends and we spent the night in the pub talking the very day and how Richard had to removed from the butchers in an ambulance after Shelia hit him over the head with a butchers block.

I nominate @shithousery and @lucylin

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