Comedyopenmic Round4: First Rant

I'm sipping a tiny bottle of the cheapest piece of shit drink my shallow pockets could afford and thinking about how my weekend just flew by. I'm constantly sad these days, I've been lacking motivation to write(or rant), steem, SBD and all the other children of Daddy Bitcoin keep dropping points and worst of all, I recently found out the hard way that masturbating too often could lead to testicular trauma(Luckily, its only my wrists that hurt for now so I'm okay).
My pointless rant today is going to be directed at the Whales in the pond. First of all, I think that's a stupid analogy, Whales are too big to fit in ponds and secondly, ponds are two small to accommodate whales; which is in essence saying the same thing but in my experience as a ranter, bringing out two points gives the rant more oomph.
Its getting really frustrating, no matter what I do, I can't seem to get the big break I deserve. I honestly thought by now I'd be in the Philippines with @surpassinggoogle drinking Asian beer(heard of any?) or maybe just buying narcotics with my SBD.
Now while I use this paragraph and make a flurry of grammatical blunders, I would sadly like to add that I'm extra cranky today on account of my soberness. I recently found out I'm experiencing the early stages of Alcohol addiction so I did what any right minded person would do and changed the brand of drink I was addicted to and it surprisingly worked for the moment. Speaking of alcohol, how do celibate humans live? Its probably the same mental problem vegetarians have.

So before I go, Dear Whales, I'd like to say that I'm working on a fully self automated toilet with high tech ass swiping technology, advance facial recognition system to detect when the shit is over and its own WiFi. I'm open to investments.