When Penis comes in HANDY

Lately, my mind has been occupied by challenges in life, I've just finally been awarded my first degree in Bachelor's of Engineering and I've been somewhat faced with tough life decisions like where to get a job, how to manage the mental stress and of course being wrongfully arrested by the police and it was the latter that led me to come up with this brilliant piece of information that will no doubt be very useful.

If One Gets Caught With Weed By The Red and Blue

This is a peculiar situation for Mr. @dj123 who I must stress isn't a weed dealer; remember to remain calm and proceed to do one of two things:

1. Slowly roll up a blunt for the officer and then one for yourself, then respectfully suggest that you would like to smoke this last hit with the blue boy before he arrests you. You're definitely getting off the hook for sure.
2. For the more difficult officers, respectfully salute the officer and then slowly unzip your pants to make sure your penis is hanging out; this random act of kindness will no doubt confuse and delight the officer in equal measure, leading him to let you off the hook. This method is tried and tested in 40 countries.

If Ever In A Hostage Situation

This is a very precarious one, with the potential of it being a life and death situation, so it is essential you act smartly and cautiously in such. The first and most important course of action should be to identify who the leader of the pack is and request a brief meeting with him. On your way to the gang boss, unzip your pants and walk with your penis hanging out and facing the south west direction for optimum visuals. This is how I escaped death during a bank heist recently, so it definitely works.

When Faced By An Angry Rhino

For travel bloggers like @karensuestudios and @acromott who are actually the two people I'm nominating, it is important you stay calm. Poachers Havel left and indelible scar in the minds of Rhinos so the simple solution is as good as anyone's guess right now; Grab a nearby penis and wield it like a gun. The tip will look like the barrel of a gun and this will definitely confuse the Rhino into flight mode. This is a tried and trusted technique used by Indians and Italians. This technique has been known to scare of lesbians as well.

Remember this is #comedyopenmic where madness is smiled upon and goat rapists and chronic masturbators get to be a judges. All the goats I've slept with consented anyways.