MEMOIRS OF A SERIAL SHITTER: COM24 SECOND ENTRY

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

The days are getting longer and voices ever louder, I'm floating through life in this cursed vessel. They say yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery, a mystery that may never come with the way I'm living today. Today; the gift that we call life.
Its bad, really bad, beyond my understanding and ration, its a vicious cycle I'm caught in, I can't find my way out.
A day doesn't go by without some form of regret for my actions, I feel a deep sense of remorse for my deeds, I would like to apologise and say it won't happen again but that'll be a lie, a cold hearted lie from my smelly bowels.
It seems like I'm getting worst as the days go by. The last mission was the cruelest of all; that sweet family, no one deserves such a fate. I spent days watching them, I learned their schedule, watching patiently for the perfect moment to strike. "Today is the day" I recalled saying to myself as I sneakily made my way into the family's house.
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I walked quietly but briskly at the same time, in a bid not to trigger any alarms or raise suspicion; my first port of call was the daughter's room. So sweet, so tender and innocent, she was perhaps six or seven years, sleeping quietly in her barbie themed room, a picturesque scene. There was no toilet there, so I shit in her closet, wiped with one of her teddies and left.

The next room was their son's who's a teenager. There was blue paint on the wall with a giant photo of Christiano Ronaldo standing over a deadball with an obvious bulge in his shorts. This was quite a disturbing sight and I'm shocked any parent would even allow their son have this poster over his bed, "they'll get theirs soon enough" I muttered inwardly. I made my way quietly to his toilet, let out two big turds then wiped with a Manchester United jersey I saw in his closet, the devil was brown that night.
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My final call was the parents bedroom, the room was painted all white, all the way down to the masters toilet. They had a jacuzzi in it. "A jacuzzi, this will be my masterpiece" I muttered then smirked. I took my sweet time in there, this is perhaps my greatest shit feat ever. I felt a blood rush to my head as I dropped the first turd, it was massive and sort of stained with a little blood(I need to get that checked) but the next turd was even better, it was big, sturdy, brown and landes perfectly on the drain in the jacuzzi, it was brilliant. The third piece was symbolic, I dropped it on the bed, it wasn't really one of my best works but it served its purpose as it perfectly sat in between the couple in bed. They looked so happy.

I left the same way I came, quietly and not raising any alarm, but not before smearing a heartfelt message on the wall and I hope it puts a smile on someone's face. I hope someone can save me.
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I nominate @trumpman and @bhoa to try out for this week.
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such thought and care. to take the time to visit ever family member. so considerate.

I don't want anyone to feel left out.

Jesus. Does your depravity have no bottom, and what the fuck did you eat?

Its a trade secret but I can say that if you want sturdy turds, ensure your meals are rich in carbs

Why do I get the feeling you had something to do with the mess I found next to my corn?

the devil was brown that night.

😂😂

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I read this out loud to my wife.

Didn't know you were this romantic.

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