与strong-willed的儿子们斗,其乐无穷 | 月旦评

in #cn-kids3 years ago

做家长是一门学问,说是修炼都差了点火候,说修行还差不多。如果碰上strong-willed的小祖宗,那真是苦修,清修,灵修,各种修。

我们家不幸地撞上了两个stubborn的小主,折磨得我死去活来,未老先衰。打电话跟老妈诉苦,老妈说:“也让你尝尝我们的滋味,你小时候就不是省油的灯”。跟婆婆诉苦,婆婆说:“孩子爹小时候就能犟出天际,他儿子犟,不是很正常。”感情两位老太太都在看我们的笑话,这叫恶有恶报,不是不报,时候未到。

老大小时候因为身体原因,我们最大的关注点都在他各种用药各种treatment,各种跟医生的appointment上,直到有一天,小祖宗气得我心脏疼,开始了他的逆反期,我才发现,比身体更让人头疼的是小人的意志。在屡败屡战,屡战屡败的挫折下,我开始怀疑人生,我这是生了个娃,还是个魔头,直到从图书馆借了本关于spirited child的书,对照着书上几大页的问题测试,我得出了儿子是spirited child的结果,你能怎么办?任命吧。

什么是spirited child,有这样一种解释,我觉得很对路子:

What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

知道了儿子的类型,那就学习如何对付spirited kids吧,各种资料学习,各种了解,纸上得来终觉浅,绝知此事要躬行。把书中的办法都试一遍,其实行得通的寥寥无几。

我们这一代,父母因为工作太忙,都是被简单粗暴对待着长大的,至少我的童年是这样的,简单得不能再简单,粗暴得不能再粗暴。从父母身上,我们没有学会该如何跟下一代相处,有的只是棒下出孝子这样被自己身体力行出来的名言。我们意识到问题,不愿意复制父母的教育方式,但是我们对自己孩子却总是不由自主地带出父母的影子,唉,原生家庭的问题,会困扰很多人。

在美国,不能体罚孩子,当我被strong-willed的儿子弄得黔驴技穷,身心疲惫,所有耐心都磨掉,最后一根稻草还是压下来的时候,我习惯地运用了父母当时最温和的一招——河东狮吼。吼得惊天地,泣鬼神。最初很有效,因为有效,进而成为无计可施时的一种手段,越用越频繁。直到有一天突然发现河东狮吼已经被儿子自动屏蔽了,我突然醒悟,偶尔吼吼有用,吼多了人家就当你是空气,不但起不到效果,最后还把自己气得要命。于是手心写上“忍”字,时刻提醒自己要冷静,忍啊,忍成内伤,忍到自己要吐血。

本来以为有一个strong-willed的孩子算够了吧,哪里想到,老二比老大更上一层楼,从三岁起直接进入青春逆反期,而且只有开始,没有结束。倔强度比哥哥有过之而无不及,哥哥好歹还懂点道理,弟弟那是蛮横到不跟你讲理外加撒泼耍赖,哭闹起来,那是一场持久战,弟弟能哭到躺在地上睡着了也绝不屈服,坚强不屈,英勇就义都成。我以前一直低估了弟弟的倔强,当血淋淋的现实摆在眼前,我只好承认,一山还比一山高,哥哥还算是好的了。

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弟弟最喜欢说的一句就是:”you are not my boss!”挑衅味道十足。你跟他摆事实讲道理,说妈妈小时候是怎么做的,他会说:“you are not me!”一句话噎死你。实在对付不了这个家伙,只好交给娃爹。娃爹是嘴派,每次当你被孩子气得火冒三丈,他会说你哪哪做得不对,什么没耐心了,什么不坚持了等等,我心想,指出别人错误多容易,有本事你自己来管娃啊!最终跟娃爹一番理论,他开始管老二,还没过一天啊,人家就被气得从打屁股发展到从腰间卸下皮带,要抽娃了,虽然是吓唬,但是老二被吓得不轻。我在一旁看着心惊肉跳,真是说一套做一套啊。那段时间,老二跟他爹的关系极度紧张,体罚也时有进行,直到有天,娃爹将老二重重地摔到床上,我再也不能忍了,跟他吵了起来,然后默默地接过管理老二的活,又开始我每天水深火热的日子。自己亲生的啊,还是舍不得儿子被他爹打。

老二,脾气暴躁,性子太急,容易frustrated,情绪来得快却无法排解,又遇上了我这样的火爆妈,针尖对麦芒,我们就这样对战了很久,似乎也没分出输赢,我后来想,什么输赢,完全就是lose lose。每次被娃折腾到胸口疼,我就找书来学习如何管理孩子。什么给孩子选择了,什么尊重孩子意愿了,什么跟孩子谈判了,这些用在我家老二身上都不灵。给选择,人家哪个也不选,非要坚持他自己的;跟他谈判,最后他也不会作出让步;你要是有一次跟他妥协,他下次就敢再把你的底线往下推推。一次,娃爹跟他说天气凉了,得穿长裤去上学,小人在房间里跟他爹杠上了,非要穿短裤,我心里想着那句话:有一种冷叫你妈觉得你冷。如果是我就拉倒了,哪里想到娃爹跟他楼上蘑菇,愣是没同意。我听见老二楼上哭了两声,过了一会下楼来,长裤是穿了,但是外面还套了一件短裤。我问他为啥要这样,他说:“我要穿短裤,但是爸爸非要我穿长裤,所以我就只能这样穿了。”我无语,早上临送他出门,跟他说了句:good luck!

就这样蘑菇到老二上了二年级,突然发现他既没有养成良好的学习习惯,脾气性子依旧如前,没有丝毫长进,而且还学会了talk back,并且不尊重父母。我突然觉得是不是因为经常吼他,所以他也不会用好言语对待家里人,娃是家长的镜子啊,稍微做不好,就被copy了。痛定思痛,我开始琢磨怎么处罚孩子的方法。处罚不是目的,教育才是目标。

我们家处罚孩子一般几种:time out,根据年龄来罚站;取消玩电子游戏的时间;罚擦卫生间;取消playdate。
后来我发现,这几种方法都无法奏效。time out,一个九岁一个七岁,也就罚站不到十分钟,who cares;取消电游时间,反正他们每天能玩的时间也很有限,一两天不玩,也无所谓;罚擦卫生间,也就三四分钟的活;取消playdate,反正还有下次。当发现惩罚都不能动了他们的根本时,惩罚还有什么用,或者换个角度说,我得换惩罚的方法了。如果谁有好的方法,也欢迎跟我多交流。

想了好久,终于摸索出了一个法子——延长罚站法。这招对老二特有效。怎么叫延长罚站法呢?比如我跟老二的冲突通常是这样,叫他罚站去,他开始哭喊撒泼,虽然最后站到墙根下,他还会跟你吵。而罚站时间根据年龄也就六七分钟,人家哪里会怕你。于是我变更了罚站的规则。当他歇斯底里不去站墙角时,我对他说,再加五分钟,于是他回嘴,我就再加五分钟。他不服气,我就再加五分钟。第一次罚站,罚了他整整五十分钟,小人最后站得腿酸,坐在地上,我跟他说,他是在罚站,不是休息,得站起来,不然还得加时间。

第二次罚站,三十分钟,比第一次有进步,这次他在我一遍一遍加五分钟的声音下,终于控制住了自己。

第三次罚站,小人竟然拿了本书,我跟他说,罚站就是罚站,不可以看书,不可以玩,只能对着墙,反思自己的所作所为,这次罚了二十分钟。

第四次罚站,仅仅十分钟,小人就很诚恳地跟我道歉,说做错了。我心中大喜。

每次罚完站,我会问他到底想没想清楚错在哪里,并且再适当加一句:这个时间是愿意用来玩,还是愿意用来站在这跟妈妈赌气?学校里教的管理情绪的tools,是不是应该学着用起来?虽然老二现在还是情商不高的急躁小子,但是我发现,他渐渐地学着如何管理好自己,比如放学先写作业,尽量把该做的事情做了再玩游戏。跟我的冲突也在减少。而我呢,以前是气起来先吼一顿娃,结果气伤了自己。现在我也不生气,直接罚站,当娃接着挑衅,我就喊加五分钟,喊到他不敢再张口,这个时间段我正好用来平复我的情绪,我也不再怒从胸中起,气从胆边生了。有时看见小人刚想张口跟我杠,我一句再加五分钟,他到嘴边的话被我硬生生憋回去时的表情,我都忍不住想笑,我发现自己也能控制自己的情绪了,这就是我期待的的win win吧。

与有strong-willed的孩子家长们共勉!大家努力,希望都能找到合适的方法,取得卓越的成效。

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河东狮吼。吼得惊天地,泣鬼神。最初很有效,因为有效,进而成为无计可施时的一种手段,越用越频繁。直到有一天突然发现河东狮吼已经被儿子自动屏蔽了,我突然醒悟,偶尔吼吼有用,吼多了人家就当你是空气,不但起不到效果,最后还把自己气得要命。

It worked, at first, not because of what you did, but the element of surprise. It is one of the lessons in Mrs. Miracle - lesson 1.

@mygoblin, 要不是我膝盖上中了一箭,我的膝盖就送给你了!

@cn-cutie.pie 小可可,你是我的唯一...post on steemit...写入区块链...forever...

你好!客官渴不渴,有没有去 @laodr 老道茶馆喝口热茶啊?如果不想再收到我的留言,请回复“取消”。

把书中的办法都试一遍,其实行得通的寥寥无几。

Do you know why?

Because the times have changed - the world has changed and the cultures around the world have changed.

Think about taming wild horses - study the techniques of the horse whisperer.

I recently saw an old movie - Mrs. Miracle - she used great techniques, and although not explained, if you watch carefully, you might learn something.

棒下出孝子

Is wrong and illegal.

娃是家长的镜子啊,稍微做不好,就被copy了。

Experts say good actions and words, copying is less than 10%, but bad words and actions: 100%+ - believe it or not.

惩罚的方法

It will not, no - > never work for strong will child.

Bad attention is much more desirable than no attention. "罚站" is bad attention - he wins. So is "取消电游时间" and "罚擦卫生间".

If you and your family are willing to try: "punish' by withdrawing all kinds of attention - let him do whatever he wants to do and not criticize - only make sure that they are safe within limits - it's ok if they suffer a little from their bad behavior so that they learn. Otherwise, "punish" by ignoring them (but tell them so) as if they are invisible.

His problem is that he would not do his must-do work such as his homework. At school no teach will scold kids for not finishing homework. The only thing the teacher would do is write an Email to tell parents that your kids didn't finish his homework. So what would you do? You have to force him to do homework even they don't like it. I give my kids only the basic requests. I didn't ask them to do more homework and I didn't push them to do more academic study. I just want them finish school work and his piano teacher's assignment. But they always challenge my bottom line. So I think discipline is very necessary. And find a effective way is very important.

You and your family, including your husband, should talk about what the responsibilities of each person/roles are.

IMHO, Parents' responsibilities are to feed them cloth them, keep them safe and give them a decent education.

So, nice foods and toys are extra.

The boys need to do their homework. And mom needs to give them food.

So, for example, if they do not do their homework, send them to bed with no dinner - you might consider not cooking that night, so, no one is singled out.

The lesson: mom did not feel like working either.

Everyone can find what they can in the fridge and perhaps, you can clean it out a bit first, removing the nice leftovers first at least.

Boys respond, not to yelling, but to "tit for tat" or "countermeasures".

Tit for tat is a game theory mechanism subject to a payoff matrix similar to that of a prisoner's dilemma. Tit for tat was introduced by Robert Axelrod, who developed a strategy where each participant in an iterated prisoner's dilemma follows a course of action consistent with his opponent's previous turn.
Tit For Tat - Investopedia

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/t/tit-for-tat.asp

Se, for boys that age, everything is a game, so, play their game and learn to beat them in their own games with "tit for tat" and not words.

This is something to consider - demonstrating the consequences of "not finishing homework" ...

Remember the "Midus touch":

Midas was a legendary king of Phrygia (in modern-day Turkey). In return for a good deed, he was granted one wish by the god Dionysus, and asked for the power to turn everything he touched into gold. ... When "Midas touch" is used today, the moral of this tale of greed is usually ignored.
Midas Touch | Definition of Midas Touch by Merriam-Webster
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Midas%20touch

Turn this around:

Whenever the boy does not do what he is supposed to do, such as finishing his homework, then, make him the exact opposite of Midus - turn everything he touches to "be locked up" or put away - turn on the TV? - no tv that day; play video games? no video games for the day or more; ...

什么给孩子选择了,什么尊重孩子意愿了,什么跟孩子谈判了,这些用在我家老二身上都不灵。

Bad advice - these all empower an unruly child. The only choice is "do as you please and suffer the consequences including being ignored" or "listen to mom".

而罚站时间根据年龄也就六七分钟,人家哪里会怕你。于是我变更了罚站的规则。当他歇斯底里不去站墙角时,我对他说,再加五分钟,于是他回嘴,我就再加五分钟。他不服气,我就再加五分钟。

Not a good idea because it breaks his will and will limit him in the future. They need to learn how to win your trust and respect, not just do as you say. Sorry ...

I think that the most important job of a parent is to help the child think and make good choices based on their own learning process.

It is not good to force them to do anything unless it is safety related and there is no time to explain.

It is important to let them know the value of love, respect, and trust at a young age. Teach them to earn respect and trust - love is unconditional.

The end result should be their ability to present their choices and earn your respect for their choices. Teach them how to make that presentation.

to be able to think critically is key - it is wisdom.

Punishment leads to ... not wisdom, but blind obedience.

All the best!

For boys, they refused to communicate with you. If kids are spirited I doubt you have to find another way to work it out. Your suggestions are very good. I hope I could control myself when kids are impossible. Thank you so much!Parents should be more wisdom than their kids:p

You should really check out the movie:

The first lesson:

boys, they refused to communicate with you

Yes, not in words. Just like training wild horses, you must understand their language. That's why men, as mentors, will help the boys better than mom.

So, what is mom to do?

  1. learn to communicate, not with words, but in their language
  2. find a mentor for the boys - from sports maybe?

In the movie, lesson one was Mrs. Miracle communicated in the boy's language right off the bat ...

And she continues.

In later lessons, she communicated in words but, also in the ways that the boys would accept - not confrontational or directly addressing the issues ...

Boys and men "do not like" (hate) others - girls, women and even mom - to tell them what to do.

Need to be subtle, indirect hints, or by body language or actions.

Watch the movie and learn.

哈哈,斗智斗勇