The Bipolar Philosophical Musician

Hello, Steemit community. I know a lot of people prefer to remain anonymous on this site, but I'd like to at least introduce myself and share that my first name is Chris. I hope to bring a wealth of interesting ideas, both religious and philosophical, to steemit. I also hope to benefit others musically, by sharing video tutorials on how to play the piano simply yet beautifully. Finally, as one who has struggled with bipolar depression for many years, but have been symptom free for nearly 3 years now, I pray I can bring hope to people who are battling mental illness themselves, or who struggle with things like chronic depression and panic attacks. Now I'd like to share with you a very condensed, brief synopsis of my life thus far. I was born on a German air force base in 1975, and basically grew up an air force kid. Never totally settling in, always making friends tentatively, realizing I would move away in 3 or 4 years. This was of course before the internet and Skype and instant messaging, so once I moved away from my friends, it was pretty likely I would never see them again. I did however enjoy the travel, and I'm sure I got to see many wonderful places that would have been out of reach had my dad not been in the air force. We moved to Washington after Germany, then Arkansas, California, the Philippines (where we were evacuated due to the volcano Mt. Pinatubo), Alaska, then finally my family moved back to California while I headed off to College in Spokane Wasington. I was somewhat depressed through High School because I only had one friend and I was really shy and insecure about talking to people, however college opened up a whole new world to me. (I highly recommend to anyone considering going but who is on the fence.) The college I went to was called Whitworth, and it was advertised as being an education of the mind and heart. That is exactly what I got. Many of the ethics and principles I live by today were first learned at Whitworth, and many of the people I became friends with are still friends today. I majored in music and minored in religious studies. I just loved the classes on Christianity and the history of Western and Eastern Civilization. I learned all about classical philosophy and how to use logic and reason in arguments. I also took courses in music composition and learned how to write songs and instrumental pieces, which I have been doing to this day. College was amazing, but near the end of it, reality started to set in. I was months from graduating and I still didn't know what I was going to do after college. I hadn't properly prepared myself for the real world. I had used college as a temporary oasis, a place to spend my time learning new and interesting things with interesting people, but I hadn't really given much thought to the future. (To be honest, part of me was delaying taking action because, in the back of my mind, I believed Christ would come back very soon, and who thinks about getting a job or career when the world is about to end?) Because the 2nd coming of Christ was so imprinted on my mind, I lost interest in worldly affairs and eventually would go down a path that lead to incredible mania, followed by extreme suicidal depression. About 2 years after graduating college, the mania got so bad that I had to move back in with my parents. I fought constantly with my father, thinking he was the Anti-Christ and I was the 3rd coming of Elijah, and I would prepare the world for the return of Jesus Christ. Medications mitigated some of the symptoms and could bring me down from a manic high in the hospital after a few weeks, but it did nothing to changing the underlying thought patterns that lead to grandiouse visions and a huge spiritual ego. I felt somehow the weight of the world was on my back, and if I didn't fulfill my god given mission then Jesus couldn't come back. I thought way too much of me, and way to less of God. At one point the mania got so bad that I actually believed in my heart of hearts that I was God. About a year later I crashed and was filled with horror at my spiritual pride. Soon I began to believe I was the Anti-Christ, the most terrible person in the world. I obsessed over how evil and dark my thoughts were becoming, but I felt powerless to change them. I wanted to be good deep down. I wanted to love. But all I felt inside was a huge cavern of emptiness, a spiritual black hole filled with nothing but evil and darkness. I truly felt as though I were peering over hell during those horrible times. This led to 3 separate occasions where I tried to kill myself. Fortunately, none of them worked. Finally the thoughts began to subside and I began learning coping strategies on how to overcome unwanted thoughts. But behind it all, the steps towards true spiritual freedom for me was when I gave up desiring to be anyone other than me. Not Elijah. Not God. Not the Anti-Christ. Just me, Chris. And now that my desires are different, I feel at home in my own skin, and I've been feeling that way now for nearly 3 years. It took nearly 35 hospital visits, and I must have been one of the most stubborn SOBs in the world, but I finally think I learned the lesson I was supposed to learn here. 7 years later, I moved out of my parent's house and got my own apartment, for the first time in my life (I was 35 years old at the time). A year later I moved into a nicer, bigger apartment and a year after that I married my sweetheart Stephanie, who is the love of my life, and she moved in with me. In 5 days we will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary. Life is definitely sweet, and it keeps getting sweeter. If you have read this far, and you enjoy my writing, please follow me, upvote, and give me a warm welcome to the Steemit community. I think I'm going to like it here.