Love & marriage 37 - Conflict resolution

I am still on the topic of communication. Today I write about a specific method of conflict resolution.

• TIMING
  The timing of important conversations is very important. If you bring an important issue at the wrong time instead of having a discussion you can end up having an argument. Look at a time when both of you are relaxed, not in a hurry, very tired, hungry or distracted. If it seems like one of these factors is always at play, try setting aside time for having a quiet talk.

• KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK
  You should be calm and collected when you start a conversation. If you are breaking down crying or angry during this type of conversations your partner will try to avoid them. If you start out in this manner, it is a sure recipe for an argument.
  Keep your emotions in check. Don't yell at your partner in anger, this is unproductive and will also lead to an argument. If you are having an argument take time out. You can have a sign that means stop. Maybe if you put your hand up, it should be agreed before hand that if one of the spouses put their hand up it means to stop and time out. Both spouses should first go cool down before the conversation can continue.

• KNOW HOW TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT
  There is a right way to argue. Every married couple has their disagreements. Don't let it spiral out of control into personal attacks and accusations. You need to express yourself reasonably and respectfully. Never start screaming, name calling or expressing disgust at your partner. This can cause irreparable damage. The goal is to make yourself understand and not to hurt your spouse. Never say " I hate you", "Let's get a divorce" or "I never loved you" except when you really mean it, because once you said it, you can't take it back. Even if you apologize later it will be hard for your spouse to forget it.

http://guff.com/youve-been-mispronouncing-these-common-words-ever-since-you-learned-to-speak

• WHAT WORDS TO USE
  Begin your sentences with "I," not "you." You must give through how you feel and not accuse your partner, for example, "I feel very worried and anxious when you come home so late without letting me know", rather than "You are late and only think of yourself. Another example, "I understand how busy you are, but I would really appreciate your help with the children." If you forget everything please remember this, it is very important.

• GIVE EACH SPOUSE A TURN TO SPEAK
  Also very important that each spouse should get a turn to talk. If you set out the problem, give your spouse time to respond without interrupting. If this is a problem for you take an object like a spoon and only the one holding the spoon should speak and the other spouse can only start speaking after the spoon is handed to him/her. If you keep on interrupting you will get nowhere with the conversation.

• REPEAT TO YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU HEARD
  If you were listening to your spouse attentively and it is your turn to speak. Repeat to your partner what you have heard. Say: " I heard you are saying that you are unhappy because I am late without letting you know, am I right? Then the other spouse can confirm that was what he/she meant. This prevent misunderstanding where a spouse meant one thing but the other one hears something else.

• NEVER DIG OUT PAST CONFLICTS
  Don't dig out past conflicts, it would not help your case. There is nothing to be changed about the past all you can work on is future behavior.

• IT IS NOT ABOUT WINNING
  You and your spouse are on the same team. The one should not win and the other one loose. Even if you got your way it is not a triumph. It may be a win for your marriage as you are in it together against the world, not against each other. your spouse and you are on the same team. If your partner is wrong and he admits it be quick to reassure him/her that everything is ok and that you accept the apology.

• I AM SORRY
  These words have the power to let your spouse lose all anger. If you were in the wrong be quick to admit it and to say you are sorry. But don't use this words just so that the argument be over with. You should mean it and to say you are sorry also means that you will do your utmost best to not repeat the behavior again.
  
  https://za.pinterest.com/pin/445645325605820650

• COMMUNICATION IS ALSO ABOUT COMPROMISE
  If it is a type of problem where the one partner want's one thing and the other one the direct opposite you have to try to work out a compromise. Say for instances your spouse go out with his friends 3 times a week and it is a big problem for you, then you have to compromise. You can maybe agree that he only goes out with his friends once on a weekend, but then you also want to have an exclusive date with him/her once a week.

• IF A COMPROMISE CAN'T BE REACHED
  If you can't reach any sort of compromise and it is an important matter like maybe finances or raising the children. you need to see a professional. Help is there, you just need to seek it. Sometimes one is so blinded by your own opinions and cannot see the bigger picture. You need a third objective person who can listen to both sides and be able to give an impartial opinion in order for the two of you to reach a compromise. Always ask yourself, "is this more important than our marriage?"

• PHYSICAL ATTENTION
  After such communication be quick to resume your physical touch. Give each other a hug, a kiss or even better makeup sex is great!

http://guff.com/youve-been-mispronouncing-these-common-words-ever-since-you-learned-to-speak
http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-to-Save-Your-Marriage

Thank you for reading, may you be blessed in your marriage or relationship!

@hope777 For Christian content also follow my hubby @scotty777