The difference between understanding something rationally and really getting it on a subconscious level or why we keep repeating the same mistakes

Try to remember un "Aha" moment you had in the past.

For example, when you realized you have been making bad choices for your love live.

Like getting involved in relationships with the same type of insensitive, emotionally unavailable or narcissistic person. Let’s develop on this example, because it’s one I can talk about from experience.

So, I was in psychotherapy for about a year when I realized the pattern in all my broken, failed, unhappy past relationships. I had a big ”Aha” moment when I understood I was attracted to the “wrong” type of men.

Why was I always choosing the "wrong" men for me?

Because I had an unconscious program from childhood that told me how I was supposed to feel in a relationship, what “love” was for me. And unfortunately, my program was screwed up.

It contained none of the normal criteria of a healthy, loving relationship, like, you know, feeling appreciated, admired, respected, accepted, cherished, encouraged etc. Nope. Nada. It was exactly the opposite.

For me at that time, being in a relationship meant I had to prove myself to the other person, that I didn’t deserve to be loved and cherished and I had to work hard to win respect and appreciation. Being ignored and rejected? Check. Feeling unwanted? Yes, please! So you see, I had a pretty screwed-up definition of love.

So when I realized with the help of my therapist what I had been doing without realizing it, I felt relieved and angry at the same time.

Relieved because I thought that if I discovered the pattern I won’t be repeating it.

Angry with my parents because they were the programmers of this shitty software.

In time I’ve gone past anger when I realized that they too had been programmed by their parents and that they did what they could best with the resources they had at that time. It took a while, but I’ve processed a lot of intense negative feelings.

However, the fact that I had my ”Aha” moment about my screwed up definition of love and relationships was not enough to avoid going back to the same situation.

Because that ”Aha” had been only on the level of my very smart conscious brain. I had not yet integrated the discovery and the change into my body and my subconscious mind. And boy was I furious and disappointed a few months later when I realized I was again repeating my scenario.

I thought that there was no hope for me, that in spite all that personal work I was still fucked up.

The long road from the "Aha" to the real, profound change

Turns out, there are so many layers of bad programming that we need to get rid off before installing a new one that it takes more than one simple “Aha”.

Sure, it helps a lot.

But don’t be disappointed later on when you find yourself repeating the same thing.

This time, because you now know about your pattern you realize way quicker when you’re heading in the wrong direction, like getting involved with the wrong type of person for you.

So instead of taking you years to get out of it, this time it might take you months.

And then, you’ll be able to reduce the “drama” time to only weeks. And then you’ll be able to spot a wrong person for you a mile away.

And that’s the moment when you can say you have fully understood and integrated that first “Aha” moment into your body and subconscious mind.

So next time you beat yourself up because you just noticed you repeated a mistake, stop for a few seconds and breathe. You're not broken or crazy. You're just one step closer to integrating a new software. Sure, it might take you days, weeks, months or years, but you'll get there.

In the meantime​, don't lose hope and be kind to yourself. After all, you're only human. That's how you learn and grow.

photo source Unsplash

I'm a psychologist, intuitive coach, blogger and vlogger. You can find me mainly on my blog at Being Raluca where I write about communication, relationships, listening and sexuality. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @raluca.