The Day I Realised My Marriage is a Lie And What I'm Going to Do About It
It was last month. My Mum had just been visiting and I obviously had a good old whinge about my husband (as I'm sure is fairly common, whether happy relationship or not)and unfortunately due to train strikes my Mum missed her flight home to France.
To ease her stress and pressure I asked my Dad (they have been divorced for over 30 years) to drive her to the airport the following day, so she didn't have to rely on the trains. So this day goes and Mum gets to the airport just fine and gets home safe and sound.
Then the following week, my Dad invites me out for a coffee, this isn't unusual in itself, but it turned out he had something important to talk to me about.
Dad told me he was very concerned about my husband, as in the last few months he has got in a couple of fights and barred from the local pub and drinks almost every day. Not just a glass or two, but whole bottles of wine on his own.
(My Mum must have told him this on that car journey, because it wasn't me, but I can't thank them enough for having this conversation.)
A couple of years ago, my husband attempted suicide in the family home, after I pulled him up on emotional abuse and told social services a couple of truths, when he wasn't at that particular meeting, and this resulted in a separation for 2 months.
He promised that he would stop drinking and that he realised that he wasn't treating me very well and he'd treat me like I deserved to be treated. So I forgave him. My husband even called up my dad and told him he was going to change and made a bunch of promises.
We had a change of house and got on with our lives together, with our young children.
The drinking started again after 6 months of abstinence and has progressively got back to 4 or 5 times week now.
So my Dad in not so many words tells me that my husband doesn't treat me well and I wait on him hand and foot for little respect and all the promises my husband made two years ago have become null and void.
Up to that point I had been wondering whether this treatment was mainly in my head, so it was very enlightening.
But the real crux of the decision came when the thought entered my head how would I feel if it was me telling one of my daughters I was concerned about her partner - I wouldn't want them to marry someone like my husband.
My husband has been out of work with a damaged nerve sack for almost twenty years now, so although in pain everyday, some days he is bedridden, other days he seems manages just fine, like most evenings he manages to muster the strength to manage his pain to go out and see his friends, or wherever. Oh and being ex-army he still has a foot in there and disappears for hours on end on some mission or another.
Oh what a fool I've been.
Since that conversation with my Dad I've noticed the snide remarks and he has even had the audacity to call me a stupid bitch for losing the hamster (ah the hamster story that might be a more cheerful 30 Challenge story for tomorrow) under the sofa and heartless bitch for leaving my 3 year old to cry for 10 SECONDS, whilst I was doing something and that's just the obvious stuff, not the underhanded undermining stuff.
Now I haven't told him yet. I didn't want to wreck every Christmas and New Year memory forever more with the timing - would that be my words/thoughts or or his, I don't know.
When the kids go back to school and nursery I plan to ask him to go. I will ask him to go.
The things that worry me most are his face when I tell him and how his elderly parents will take it, as both have had recent health issues.
He goes out almost every night and leaves me to my own devices, so I'm almost hoping he has found someone else.
It's only taken me 14 years to come to this conclusion (I good at giving people chances, naive and I try to see the best in people), but he is a narcissist and I need to be happy and for that I need to to get rid of the toxic oil on my wings that he paints on, whenever I get too near finding a dream or purpose.
I have spent most of that 14 years trying to help him shine, despite his back problems and I think he has just tried to rub of mine.
Granted I did have a 6 month affair in 2009 and the two years after that were sheer hell, being called whore, bitch, tart A LOT of times, amongst other stuff, but I thought I deserved that. It was supposed to stop when the kids came along. What a load of bollocks that was.
I've been reading things like this: http://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-says-i-love-you/
And it makes me go "yes,yes, yes" that is how it is, how I feel.
But why do I still feel obligated to the idiot?
He tries to control me and the children and it has to stop.
I'll let you know how it goes. The critical conversation is coming...
Then I can be Hope Huggs in name and nature and allowed to care for whoever I want to care about - that homeless person who supposedly buys drugs with any money you give him (so don't do it) I gave him £5 the other day.
I have to break free, for me, for the children, so if I ever do find love again it will be a respectful kind of love, not a controlling one, so history doesn't repeat itself and the kids see how a real man should treat a woman.
I WILL break the cycle.
Then in the words of Robbie Williams I can honestly say "I love my life, I am Powerful, I am Beautiful, I AM FREE"
Images: Giphy.com
This is Day #2 of the 30 Days Writing Challenge
Brought to you by
Marriage in a nutshell @hopehuggs
You are heading onto a dark and dangerous road, not just for yourself, but for your kids also. It is not a road to be traveled lightly, and preferably, not alone.
I have no right to give you advice and you do not have to read it or follow it. But please understand that what I am about to write comes from a desire to see you and your children safe and well.
The highest domestic murder rates are during and just after a breakup. You may think he would not do that to you or your children, but consider this, most of the victims thought the same thing. I don't say this to frighten you into staying with him, but to urge you to plan ahead and accept that there are very real risks to what you propose.
I agree that you should delay this until you can do it without the children present. This problem is between you and your husband. They don't need to see it play out. Maybe send them off to your father's for the weekend.
Then you can focus on your own safety. When you tell him, have some friends close by, as in sitting in a car outside. Make sure the doors are unlocked so they are not impeded from coming to your rescue if needs be. Don't rely on a call to the police to be your savior. They may take some time arriving and you may have precious little time once you tell him.
Use the time you have now to plan everything out, to put systems in place to keep you safe. Be prepared that he may not leave, that you may have to leave. Pack up all the things that are important to you and your kids and have them sitting in the car outside with your friends. That way if you need to walk out, you can just do it and not look back.
Prepare for this like you have prepared for nothing else. It is your freedom, your children's freedom and the rest of your life you are putting into the balance. Take the time to make sure you have the best possible chance for it to go the way you want it to go, and if it doesn't, you have a backup plan.
Whatever happens, life will be different. Hopefully it will be better, but nothing is guaranteed. My one hope for you is that once you fully decide to do this, the decision is final, and you walk though blood and fire and whatever else is thrown at you, with your head held high and your faith in yourself unshakable, knowing that what you are doing is the right thing, the only thing, and you will see it though.
I wish you nothing but the best. Keep safe, and know that there are people who care about you, even if it seems the whole world is against you.
Kia kaha, be strong.
Great work and layout of your post. I submitted you for Steemtrail inclusion under the writing trail.
Thank you, TBH didn't think too much about layout, but had to share to get of my chest and hope that it might help someone else too. Everyone deserves to be happy. I feel so hypocritical saying that,as no doubt what I will need to do in a few days will make my husband unhappy, his family unhappy and our children unhappy.
You deserve to be happy! I actually listened to a guy living next door yesterday beating up his wife. I still don't know what to make of it. I just phoned the police. Today she is happy and all lovey dovey with him. I wish I could beat the living daylights out of him. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Pack up and go. He does not deserve you! And children adapt. That is life. One day they will know and understand.
Thank you.
Stay safe.
I just wanted to say that, based on what I have just read, I agree that you arrived to the right conclusion. I want to wish you to stay strong and steadfast in the face of the shitstorm that is about to unfold. I will be supporting you at every little step along your way to happiness and freedom that you truly deserve.
Thank you. I need to hear things like that right now.
We've decided to give our marriage one last try.