A Love Letter To Cannabis | An Ally, No Longer My Succubus

This is not a breakup letter but it sure as hell ain't gonna be a profession of my unconditional love. Things are different.

My beloved MJ,

Yes it's true, I haven't been around as much as I used to be. When we first met I didn't really notice you at all, I had completely overlooked your beauty and your tremendous sense of importance for me in my life. But as you know, I eventually came over to check you out and you dug me endlessly. And I dug you.

And - as anyone with a profound passion for awesome times would do - I came over more and more. Your place slowly turned into my place where we grew close and intertwined for years and years. Through good times and the bad - without any proclamation. Unlike any previous girl in my life you never bitched at me for arbitrary reasons that came out of sheer normality of a relationship starting to weigh down on us. Rather you kept massaging me when I needed it, came over even when my life circumstances wouldn't quite allow it and I welcomed you in at the most inappropriate of times. And it seemed always worth it somehow, riding the high with ya and my mind together even when I knew I should have let you standing in the hallway like an asshole.

But where my other girls were starting to demand more, you demanded less of me. And less. More time yes, but less actualization on my life path. You told me you were that life path and though you never quite spelled it out I believed it for years - it just kind of dawned on me, but maybe that was already part of the spell...

Can't say I have ever been in love with a girl for that long, neither that I so shamelessly opt to get back together for a quick and dirty hookup without (m)any regrets in the moment of ecstasy.

But after years of growth, pain and tirelessless facing of my own issues I have to tell you today that you and me are not going back to a permanent longterm relationship on the same grounds as we have had for so many years.

Now, I'm no fool. I know I love you and I know you want to keep showing me things'n'tricks. And I dig them, especially after I have been on my own for a while.

It's just that your permanent presence has so greatly messed with my life and condition, with my achievement of my Earthly goals and with my ego-born backbone that I cannot in good conscience keep you running around enticing me with your sweet whisper of self-forgetfulness on a daily basis, maybe not even weekly.

You are a succubus, you truly are. Well, maybe with other guys it's different but I am no other guy. I know you and me had a thing and will probably continue to have some dirty affairs now and then, but all the pain you have shown me in my life has accumulated so much that I need to let you know that I will not be available as much as I used to be. Nowhere close.

Whenever we see each other I dig you like I did on our second date. You look just as beautiful, feel just as amazing and are an utter probe into the cosmos and the subtext of reality for me that I have learnt to ride like a dragon in the storm of Earthly battles of the narratives and perceptual sensations of untold tiers of existence.

But the longer you stay, the more your whip gets the best of me. And the tougher the lashing becomes. Less worth it to say the least. The more I invite you day by day, the less loving you are, the more hateful I become and the more want I feel when in actuality I know I am in need of nothing else than I already have. You become my greatest want and I simply can't let you be that anymore.

The others have long come and gotten kicked out of my life with no hassle. Others I still see on a regular basis but they never demand more of my time and life energy than I was willing to give when I came over to them. Neither Alice nor any of the others keep pestering me to the degree you seem to be able to - even after all these years. Yes, pestering. Like an odd fly that sprays cosmic aphrodisiac whenever she buzzes around my head all day. Fuckin' annoying and yet so bamboozlingly charming. Like a spell.

I will probably lay down some things in logic and analysis but for now I just want to let you know in emotional words that I will be calling the shots from now on and that I have felt extraordinary for the last year without you being around me constantly after that initial breakup in pain.

I'm sure you remember.

It's just time I told all my love crew in hyperspace through this human oddity called writing that that is so. Not that they dont know either... but you know... human conventions.

I will greatly look forward to our next meeting. It shall be a hot and sleepless night - an allnighter, or even two. But know that I have found the strength to kick you out when you come with the whip one morning, because I am not playing that game anymore and I shall be merciless when I feel you're turning into a dominatrix once more. My dominatrix. Probably before then, I have gotten to know you too well. And your tricks.

I hear there are others who greatly require your services in opening some portals for them and I wish them luck and love with you, and you restraint with them. But then, maybe restraint was never your part to play but the part of those who call upon your insight and love.

I am no longer a tree without roots, and you have been essential in helping me find myself through all the pain you and me have gone through. And for that I will be forever grateful to you and myself.

Time for next level and a more mature relationship with mutual respect. I shall do my best to restrain myself from abusing your warmth, I wish you to do your best to show me what I need - not what I want - as you have been before I grew mature enough to realize the most painful lesson of my life.

You are an ally, but you can't be my girl.

Much love

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