all the words that were too late

*****So a little precursor here. These are just my parts of the conversation. He's were omitted. I wasn't just spam texting like a complete crazy person. Only half way there. *****

Friday 11/17/17 10:29 A.M.
You are amazing. And kind. And generous. And in love with every part of life. The colors of it, the smell of it, the feel of it. The good, the bad, the highs, the lows. You smile at them and welcome it all. You're confident (ish), and brilliant, and warm. You love what you do, and you have this passion for it, that I don't have for anything anymore. And you just want happiness. You want someone to go home to after work, or someone waiting for you at the end of a tour. A place to call home. Thats safe and welcoming. You're everything.

Sunday 11/19/17 5:38 P.M.
Listen, I know this isn't it between us. It was just like something clicked, but I was too dumb to listen to it. and I desperately want you in our lives. I slept so hard this morning cause I couldn't get you out of my head last night. I saw us making cookies with the littles (sounds silly, but is huge for me) and that other boy I was talking about... yea, in my random stoned daydream, he was yours. And it sucks. So I drank, hard. And then slept hard. So I'm trying to give you space, and not flirt, and not tell you to come over, and not tell you how much I hate this. Obviously I'm no good at that. Sorry. So I think I just need to give you your space and let you find your happiness and your peace. Because you deserve it.

Does that make sense?

Monday 11/20/17 11:16 A.M.
I think its more of a life is too short to give up kind of thing. I feel like I shouldn't say it to you right now, cause it's weird, BUT! I think its more of a even if everything is wrong, and its all fallen to shit, and you hate eachother, if you love eachother, thats all that matters. Two hearts that are meant to be will always find there way back to eachother, so why bother trying to erase it, or forget it, or whatever. Fight for it, cause it's always going to be the two of you.

Monday 11/20/17 12:31 P.M.
And for the record, your super zen, lets just be friends, I’m happy, life is beautiful thing? Right now, I think it’s fucking shit. And I think you’re just using it as an escape. (And don’t get me wrong, I love every piece of that positivity that you have) Like seriously, November 2nd, you were ready to be all in. and then you just weren’t. And that’s fine, by all means do you. But like I said. I think it’s a load of shit. You don’t think you were meant to make me stronger. Or whatever fuck. That’s like me saying, I was meant to show **** how to be a better man. Fuck that. I don’t believe it. I think people fuck up. And I think he fucked up mine and his relationship. And then I fucked up ours. And I think you do miss me, and I think you do still want this/us (or I’m wrong, which is whats likely here) but you’re scared to do it again, because I’ve said it before, and you don’t want me to bail again. Which is all perfectly understandable. But you don’t just not care anymore. That’s not how it works. Trust me, I know that one. And if you want to block me on all the things cause I’m just being an angry bitch, I don’t blame you for that either. But I’ve never lied to you before. And I’m not going to start now. I may just make everything a thousand times more awkward then they were.

Monday 11/20/17 1:26 P.M.
I hate that these conversations are always via text or messenger. I hate that you refuse to see me. I hate that you won't listen to me. It's really rather annoying

Tuesday 11/21/17 7:17 A.M.
So, here's the thing... and I shouldn't say it, and if it ends conversation, then 'eh' as you would say now. I despise her. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but I despise her. Or anyone else that can do for you what I couldn't (or at least not when you needed/wanted me to) and I built all these stupid things in my head that the next two months would be that movie sequence thing where I just get through the day. And think of you. And you try to move on, but still think of me in the back of your mind, and no one makes you feel the same way I did. And then we see each other across the room of the stupid show (which I may not go to now) and then as I try to run out after the show you stop me, and ask me if I want to go for coffee or something lame and movie cheesy. Lol. And then we sit and we talk for hours and then there's passion and 'things' and then we make it work.

Tuesday 11/21/17 10:17 A.M.
*****, listen. I swear to god/buddah/allah whatever, I'll leave it alone after this. Other than random writings that I won't send directly to you. But I am so sorry. For everything. For not rationalizing myself faster. For not realizing how much I want you when I needed to. For not telling you before how much I wanted you but was so afraid of it. I miss you terribly. And its a new feeling for me. I've never missed anyone in the way that I miss you. I don't know if I can explain it. Like, when I missed people before, I missed who they were, and days that we had. But with you, it's like, I miss all the tomorrows that we didn't get to have. And I miss future that I had envisioned (that I guess I should've filled you in on). I miss the thought of marrying you with Angels in Everything playing in the yard to our house at our backyard wedding (because naturally you didn't want to spend a lot of money, because you wanted to help others) And I miss the idea of holding our son. And its a really bizarre feeling. Like, how do you miss an idea that you came up with in your own head? But at the same time, it scared the hell out of me, because I never saw my life with anyone else. And it was so easy to see that with you.

Tuesday 11/21/17 10:33 A.M.
It's also the first time I don't want to talk about it. obviously i want to talk to you about it, but like, I don't want to let anyone else know this. Like, not that I'm ashamed of it, or hiding it. I just feel like its a pain that I need to feel myself without having other people try to take away from it or tell me that I'll get over it, or blah blah blah

Tuesday 11/21/2017 1:53 P.M.
Now I’m going to sound like a crazy person. I know its not fair to ask this of you. And I hope it doesn’t make you think less of me. Please don’t walk away. Don’t do this. I know I don’t deserve even you talking to me. I know that I suck as a human. But I do love you. Be with me. Come home to me every day. Or after a tour. I’ll personally come and move all of your stuff to my house tonight if that’s what you want. Lol. Just… be with me.