"We did the right thing and broke up. Still, I am in great pain. Any advice?"

Dear Nomad,

It happened. We broke up and this time for good! And I feel sooooooooooo sad. But I know that I didn’t have an alternative. He was so different from me and we simply could not bridge the gap.

But it is so very difficult! I still love him.

How will my life look from now on? What will I feel and what will my moods be? Do you know?

HELP

Credit: Ana Martins

Hello Help,

I will not promise you an easy time from now on. For a while you will indeed go through difficult emotions; and yes, you will miss him, sometimes terribly.

There is however a grand purpose behind all of this and that is to lead you forward. You can definitely choose to continue with your life and move toward bigger adventures and more fulfilling relationships. How to do it? First, it is important to realize what not to do: thinking about him all the time, evoking old memories to soften the pain, doubting yourself and the decision you took – all of which are NOT appropriate. That way will lead you nowhere.

The appropriate thing to do, on the other hand, would be to go through an emotional and mental cleansing. First and foremost, think as little as possible about the relationship. It now belongs to the past and therefore should be released. When you catch yourself thinking about your ex-boyfriend or daydreaming about events from when you were a couple, take a deep breath and bring your consciousness back to the present, back to the now moment. If people ask you to talk about your past relationship politely refuse. Understand that it will do you no good to share with others what was yours. They only need to hear your stories to feed off of your dramas. They cannot really help you at all.

Your biggest difficulty will be when you are alone with yourself because then you will lack distractions from outer reality to help you not think about your ex. At such times, therefore, you will undoubtedly have to harness great self-discipline to remain focused in your now moment.

An appropriate line of thought will be to check with yourself what you have learned about yourself from that past relationship. What gifts did the relationship give you regarding your personality, your understanding of the world and the like? For instance, you might have learned to develop your self-esteem, to sharpen your vision of your desired spouse, to give to and unconditionally love another. You might have learned some spiritually important lessons, such as the no-judgment lesson, the compassion lesson and so on.

Once you find and feel the gifts that the relationship brought you, reinforce your decision that you are ready to create your next relationship where you will be smarter, more experienced and careful not to fall into the old pitfalls.

Such a process may indeed take time, several months to a few years depending on the level of feelings involved, but it is entirely up to you. The more self-discipline you exercise, the stronger your belief in your path is, and the firmer your trust in yourself is, the sooner your next love will knock on your door.

People who end a long and romantic relationship sometimes try to find immediate comfort in another relationship. Such a new relationship usually has only one purpose and that is to feed and to energize the one who is in great pain (you for instance). Such short-term relationships are sexual in nature (because sex is the fastest and easiest way to receive energy from other humans) and although there is nothing wrong with sex per se I would advise you not to involve yourself in such temporary relationships. They will distract you from the path to realization.

Moreover, you may feel, from time to time, some guilt feelings that will torment you and will urge you to return to your ex. Such feelings are natural but ultimately should be released as well. Breathe deeply, accept those guilt feelings and tell them they can leave. You have nothing to feel guilty about because you are NOT responsible for your ex’s emotional well-being or life pattern. He is living his life and he must learn to take responsibility for it. As long as you feel guilty because you falsely think that you, in some strange way, should do something to ease his pain, you prevent him from owning his life. Naturally, if you feel that you have so much to give and you absolutely must find a channel for it, go and volunteer somewhere.

By choosing to have a better spouse, a more compatible one, you are simply giving life the authorization to show you the “divine plan” that you have crafted for yourself. Part of that plan, as difficult to accept as it may be, is the break-up and its side-effects that you are now experiencing.

Good luck and don’t get discouraged!