The monkey-side of our brain
As everybody knows, monkeys are our not-so-far relatives, but maybe we are not all aware of the fact that we still have a chimp-like part of our brain that affects our decisions, emotions and interactions with others.
As Prof Steve Peters says in his recent book, The Chimp Paradox, the human brain has two primary ways of thinking that easily come into conflict with one another. The first is the rational part, which thinks and acts based on facts. The second Peters calls the inner chimp, which is more primitive and immediate. This part mainly acts based on emotions. When there is a conflict between the two - which happens frequently - the chimp brain often prevails.
We can manage our inner chimp by giving it room to vent. First in any given interaction you first have to find out which part is in control. If you want to behave in a way you wouldn't have to or have feelings you do not want to have, it's a sure sign that the chimp is in control.
Once you've found this out, you can give this emotional side of yourself a little exercise. This is obviously not something like jogging, but giving it the freedom to vent in a safe environment. Eg. in a situation when you become angry, don't go ape on the other person, instead, find a place where you can be alone and sa everything you wanted to shout to the other him or her. Do it until your emotions start to fade. After a little bit of practice, it works even if you imagine it, so you can have a little "mental conversation" even when the other person is present.
There are four types of conversations:
- a rational person talking to a rational person
- a rational person talking to a chimp
- a chimp talking to a rational person and
- a chimp talking to a chimp (this is the ugliest of all).
The key is knowing how you can get your point across without agression. In order to be able to do this first you have to tell what you do not like/want, then explain how the situation makes you feel, and finally tell what you want. Eg. I do not like when you are shouting with me, because it always makes me nervous, let's discuss it a few minutes later, when we both calmed down. This kind of assesrtive communication is directed to the rational brain of the other, so you might get a rational reply. If the reply still arrives from the inner chimp of the other person, it might be useful to leave him/her to vent a little bit and then try again.
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