Gwort The Magician - Episode 005

MYGOR takes the lead as GWORT, HENRY, ST. JOHN and KROKOR follow him. DONSENDORTH clears his throat, to get their attention. They all stop and turn around.

DONSENDORTH - What about us?

KROKOR (ordering) - You're coming with us of course.

DONSENDORTH pulls a book out from his shirt pocket and steps forward to face KROKOR.

DONSENDORTH - Look, it says here, (reading a page in his book) 'Under no circumstances is a peasant to be pressured into something he or she doesn't want to do.'

KROKOR - And what may I ask is that?

DONSENDORTH - It's the 'Peasant's Regulations Guide'.

KROKOR (snatching the book from DONSENDORTH) - Give me a look at that! (thumbing through the book) Where did you get this from?

DONSENDORTH - A Royal Official sold it to me.

KROKOR - How much did you pay for it?

DONSENDORTH - 2 silver pieces.

KROKOR (throwing the book back at DONSENDORTH) - You were ripped off.

DONSENDORTH (catching the book) - Why?

KROKOR (lying) - It clearly says on the first page that it doesn't apply to members of the Royal Family, so come on!!!

They move off, with ST. JOHN, HENRY and HAROLD. DONSENDORTH reluctantly joins them, carefully thumbing through the Guide.

DONSENDORTH - It doesn't say that. You just made it up.

KROKOR turns and raises his sword.

DONSENDORTH (cont’d) (cheerfully to avoid unnecessary bleeding) - Oh, no, there it is. I must be blind.

KROKOR lowers the sword to his side and continues marching.

HAROLD (trying to get KROKOR'S attention) - Excuse me, your highness.

KROKOR (snapping) - What?

HAROLD - Would it be alright if I stayed behind?

KROKOR (in disbelief) - What?

He stops, as does the rest of the TEAM.

HAROLD (politely) - Could I stay here, I can find my own way back to the palace.

KROKOR - Don't you want to help us?

HAROLD - Well your highness, it's not that I don't want to help, it's just that I can't help, you see, I'm allergic to forests.

KROKOR (totally shocked) - Allergic to forests? (looking him up and down) Fuck off!

HAROLD (trying the honest approach) - Well, actually it's because I'm so absolutely terrified of the things that live in the forests. I couldn't handle having to... you know... go.

KROKOR looks at him strangely.

HAROLD (cont’d) - Well you know, you travel for days and you need to go, but there's no place to do it.

HAROLD gestures for KROKOR to come closer.

HAROLD (cont’d) (whispering into KROKOR'S ear) - So, you have to do your business out in the forest with all those man-eating beastie thingies.

KROKOR (pulling away) - You're fucked in the head!

HAROLD'S eyes light up.

HAROLD - Does that mean I can stay then?

KROKOR - No, piss off and keep up.

KROKOR marches off and the rest of the TEAM follow. ST. JOHN can be seen in the background calling his pigeons.

ST. JOHN - Pritikin, Barrister, Mildred!!!!

ANIMATION.

We see the map of ARIANDER with a white dotted line of the travels of the TEAM imposed over several shots of the TEAM marching. The white dots finally end up at the coastal city of BOAITHA. We also see in this montage, black dots, representing the travels of the KNIGHTS around the coastline of Lake Doriad.

EXT. LAKE DORIAD. BOAITHA – MIDDAY

Waves break against a cliff face, we pan up at high speed and stop to reveal several ships hanging from wooden cranes. We pan over the ships onto the busy marketplace of BOAITHA. The TEAM push their way down the street through a sea of SHOPPERS. As ST. JOHN walks through the crowd, the SHOPPERS clear a path for him as he is now covered in pigeon shit. The three pigeons can be seen sitting on his head and shoulders. We pan down to ground level to see the TEAM fight their way out of the crowd and stand in front of a bait and tackle shop. GWORT and MYGOR make their way over to KROKOR, ST. JOHN and HENRY. As the two characters walk, MYGOR wipes his dagger on his money sack.

GWORT (to MYGOR) - Why's there blood on your dagger?

MYGOR (matter of factly) - Pickpocket.

GWORT - Fair enough.

They join the others, HAROLD and DONSENDORTH exit the crowd, DONSENDORTH is now sporting a bloodied nose.

HENRY (to DONSENDORTH) - What happened to you?

DONSENDORTH - A woman tried to take my satchel, so I placed her under 'Peasant Arrest' and read her her rights from the 'Peasant's Guide'.

MYGOR - What did she do?

DONSENDORTH (wiping the blood from his nose) - She smashed me in the face and told me to stick the book up my arse.

He wipes the blood from his nose onto HAROLD'S sleeve, then pulls the 'Guide' from his shirt pocket and flicks through it.

DONSENDORTH (cont’d) - There must be something in here about peasant self-defence!

Suddenly GWORT notices a human hand hanging from KROKOR'S money bag.

GWORT (cringing, while pointing at the hand) - Where did that come from?

KROKOR (looking) - What?

GWORT (pointing) - That... The hand.

KROKOR (straining as he pulls the hand from his money bag) - Bastard pickpocket, strongest grip I've ever seen.

He pries the hand free and throws it to the ground. MYGOR scurries over, picks up the hand and carefully places it in his backpack.

GWORT (to MYGOR) - What do you want that for?

MYGOR - Bait.

GWORT - Bait?

HENRY (to GWORT) - Let me handle this. (as if speaking to a young child) Mygor why do you need the hand?

MYGOR - Well, since we're sailing to Roxonthorp, I thought I'd do a spot of fishing.

KROKOR (in disbelief) - What sort of fish would eat a human hand?

MYGOR - A bloworth.

HAROLD (nervously) - What's a bloworth?

HENRY - About three silver pieces.

The GWORT, HENRY, HAROLD and DONSENDORTH laugh, KROKOR doesn't get it, MYGOR is annoyed and ST. JOHN is pulling bird shit out of his hair.

MYGOR - Very funny. If you want to know what one is, take a look for yourself.

He points, and we pan around to see a stuffed 'BLOWORTH' mounted on the awning of a Bait and Tackle, Supply Store. The 'BLOWORTH' is several feet long with sharp teeth and big lips. Below the 'BLOWORTH' we see a sign reading 'PETROS & SONS'. We close on KROKOR, who scratches his head as he reads the sign.

KROKOR - Wait a second, I know that name. Petros… Petros...?

He takes a few steps towards the store and then thinks to himself for a second, he then strides towards the main entrance.