We all agree we love them.
Big ones, small ones, inbetweeners.
So why is it we spend all our time trying to cover them up?
I'll tell you why.... It's a big, fat, conspiracy.
An evil conspiracy against nipples and human breast milk by the Reptilians and Monsanto. Yes, in fact the more I think about it the more I'm sure that Monsanto, the banking cartel, the Illuminati and world religions have been conspiring to cover up female bosomtalia in an attempt to take over the world. We could even call it 'The War On Boobs' because that's what it is.
Reptilians are not only known for being a) aliens, b) related to the Queen of Britain and c) great at karaoke, they are also known for being painfully jealous of warm blooded mammals and will stop at nothing to keep us away from the bounty and nourishment breasts provide.
And what about the bankers? Surely they must be in on it too....
Why did over 50 of them die recently in mysterious circumstances? Did they know too much?
Had they discovered the secret?
Let's be honest, when people are busy looking at boobs they are not out spending money or getting into debt (unless drunk and at a strip club of course, that goes without saying. Say hi to Vanilla for me).
Just think how easily the Federal Reserve and giant humanoid reptiles can infect our babies with milk not sucked directly from the mother's teet?
Sorry human baby, it's the lifeless, plastic nipple for you. Boobs are dangerous.
Did anyone check the milk powder for cocaine? ketamine? nanobots?
And what exactly is cupric sulfate? An ingredient found in most infant formula.
Oh... it's a harmless pesticide used for cleaning fish tanks. That makes perfect sense. But don't worry, it's only mildly poisonous. As long as you don't ingest it. (Note to self, the fish may be in on it too).
When a woman gets out a glorious, milky tit to feed a crying baby in her arms people tut and turn their heads away, noses in the air with disgust. And all the while family become more dysfunctional, cancer rates are soaring, people are stressed out and covered with skin rashes and allergies. ADHD. WAR. BREXIT. ISIS.
What is the probable cause?
I call it the breast/doom ratio. The more we cover breasts up the more doomed we become.
In Eden, Eve covered her's up and shortly after became damned for all eternity. A symbolic story or real events? You decide. The world used to be filled with naked breasts bouncing through jungles and over streams, they kept us going when times were tough. They saw us through the Ice Age and into mammalian supremacy. This undoubtedly pissed the lizards off right?
But then one sunny afternoon, a single cretin thought it would be a good idea to cover those jubblies up. Breasts just made the world far to untidy and distracting. Soon after that fateful event society started to fall into chaos. Men were free to make weapons and go to war and psychotic kingdoms rose from the ashes of our blood.
Now boobs are sad, droopy, filled with lumps and bumps. Held tightly within cages of mesh and wire instead of basking in the eternal sunlight of freedom.
One scientist discovered that staring at boobs once a day for fifteen minutes increased his immune system and sense of overall well being. And what is even more fabulous is that this red blooded male actually managed to get a grant for the study. I can hear the pitch now: ‘Yeah, you know, I wanna stare at tits everyday for fifteen minutes and see if I feel any benefits’.
Who wouldn’t want to fund that research and sit in on those sessions?
To prove how deep the conspiracy runs I will share with you my own story of breast oppression. I was sunning myself in Miami, enjoying the breeze, when someone actually complained to the beach boob police (yes, it's a thing) that me and my well endowed girl friend were topless. They thought it might upset the children.
My baby girl wakes up in the night just to snuzzle them. Cannot sleep without them.
And what’s more, I can clearly remember seeing dozens of topless men and more then one completely naked raccoon being able to walk freely and without restraint or threat of legal action.
If I saw a man with big saggy man boobs could I request he receive a visit from the moob police?
Sir, your uncommonly large man breasts are putting me off my picnic.
We are teetering on the brink of annihilation, and it’s all down to the oppression of boobs.
If that isn’t one of the biggest cover-ups in history I don’t know what is.