Space (poem)

Another oldie but goodie...inspired by my ongoing battles with body image, self-love, self-worth, finding freedom in recovery...

It took me time
to take up space.
To realize I am worthy of being seen
and being heard.
Every ounce of me, every curve,
every fiber of my being
is allowed to be here.
The monster in my bathroom
that I used to step on
6, 7, 8 times a day...
waiting to be told my worth
in the form of a number.
I gave him all the power
in determining who I was each day,
whether a success or a failure
based on the 3 digits lit up in neon light,
casting a shadow on my soul.
It was never good enough.
"Get smaller, be thinner, eat less, run more"
I could never get it right,
no matter how hard I tried.
Starve myself all day and then fall face first
into an abyss of calories at night
only to wake up with regret and disgust.
I had to be smaller.
Had to get the numbers right.
And my head spun with numbers,
do I even have a name anymore?
because I measure myself in a numerical sense now
who am i?
The world couldn't handle me,
so I had to be smaller.
Love wouldn't find me,
until I was smaller.
Friends would always win the unspoken competition unless
I WAS SMALLER.
And so I shrunk
into something that nobody could see.
A person who would apologize
when someone else bumped into me.
Happy to lay down as your welcome mat
as long as it meant you'd never leave me...
Unable to make my own decisions,
stand up for myself,
say no.
Desperate to find my "other half"
because it was true -
I was not a whole person.
I wanted more but I knew
I wasn't worth it.
That reminder had been drummed into my head
countless times -
a sick and twisted pattern I continued seeking out for myself.
For years, love equaled smallness -
how small could I make myself
to help him shine?
So my accomplishments, my pride, my worth,
my successes, my independence
were whittled down until I felt like nothing
so that he could feel like something.

And somewhere along the road,
the fear of taking up space became exhausting.
And so I got bigger
and it was okay.
I spoke louder
and it was okay.
I walked away instead of waiting to be walked away from
and it was okay.
I fell so in love with my self that
I became my other half and guess what?
it was SO okay.
And though I am but a drop in the ocean,
a tiny being among millions and billions of others,
a mere sigh from the belly of Mother Nature,
a single glimmer of light in the vast beams of the Universe...
the space I take up is beautiful.
It is unique and it is important.
The space I take up is mine, and I deserve it. I earned it.
It took me time
to take up space.