What do you do when your personality conflicts with your desires?

What do you do when your personality so completely conflicts with your desires? I feel that this one issue has plagued my life.

There are many people who are naturally conservative. Now, I don't mean this in a political way. I mean the people that take the calm traditional path. It's the right path for them. They know it and they follow it well. Sometimes they get a moment of fear that they chose wrong and they yearn for the wild life - the typical mid life crisis.

And then there are the people who are not traditional at all. They are a bit wild, a bit different. They can't be contained and can't be told what to do. They are non traditional through and through. They can't deal with following the path their society says is the "correct" path. Maybe this means living a life that society deems unacceptable, maybe even immoral. These are people who are too wild, they don't have or want marriage or a family, or they maybe don't want a typical job, a typical living situation, or a typical romantic and/or sexual life.

But, like I said, what if you're natural self, your personality conflicts with your desires? Which wins out? Can either win?

I was thinking today about my life and how things have worked out...or haven't worked out. My personality is that of a very shy person, an introvert. If you met me you wouldn't think I've done the things I've done. You wouldn't expect that I had any wildness in me. In some ways you'd be correct. My outside presentation doesn't match my inside feelings, partially because I d just don't trust people. I'm afraid of showing the real me. I feel in some ways I was trained well by my family and society. Yet, I've always been different. I wanted to be free in so many ways, but failed to truly be who I wanted to be.

So let's say you walk into a water park. You look to the left and there you see a nice peaceful lazy river ride. Then you look to the right and see the most insane water slide you've ever seen. Which do you go towards?

My personality pushes me towards the nice lazy river. It's safe. It's easy. Many people love it, hell to a degree a enjoy it. But, at the same time it's so painfully frightening.

The monotony, the boredom. You must pretend that you are like the others. No splashing, no swimming around or goofing off too much. Just...sitting...wading...and eventually...waiting...for it all to be over.

You see the crazy slide. You hear that some people get hurt on that slide. Some people can't handle it. My desires are to go to that crazy slide with the rebels, the free spirits, the crazies, the fun. I want to be fun. I'm not fun. I'm anxious. I'm frightened. I can't make decisions.

I'm caught between two worlds. I don't go to either the crazy slide or the lazy river. I stand there and burn in the sun.