Actin’ A Fool

Reposting below, unedited, a blog post I shared on my old Wordpress blog from March 2016. Since then, and since I’ve been practicing what it says below, my whole life has changed for the better. 🙌🏽🙏🏽 I’ve reached out and had hard conversations, healing old and wounded friendships. Started a yoga business that is thriving. And now following our dream of moving to the beautiful island of Puerto Rico. Just resharing this here, because it felt like it shifted my world.

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Actin a fool

Recently I was with a good friend who he told me he learned a new Greek word that he had never seen before, but when he read it he immediately thought of me. The word was Sophosyne.

I can't tell you how touched I felt. (Clutching my heart!) Seriously...that he sees me this way is one of the greatest compliments I've ever received. These are some of the virtues I hold in highest esteem and preach! I'm really just honored flattered and grateful that he sees me that way and that he shared his thoughts with me.🙏🏽

But here's the thing...i don't always walk my talk. I don't always live up to those virtues. 😱 Part of me wants to tell you, dear readers, "ssshhhh, don't tell anybody," But that's crazy! Of Course I don't always live up to the virtues I hold most dear, because I'm freakin' human!

But for years I've felt guilt about not always perfectly walking my talk… Basically that's guilt about being human! No...not just guilt for the times I've faltered, but fear. Ongoing Fear that I might not live up to who I say I am or want to be, because then I would look foolish. Classic enneagram type 6 stuff.

Do you know what happens when you always have a background fear running that you might sometimes not walk all of your talk?

You just stop talking.

You stop sharing your beliefs or values with anyone except for your Master, or closest and safest of friends. You bite your tongue and smile and nod because to speak up would risk potentially looking foolish. You withold parts of who you are to feel safe, but then "all of your expandedness is missing."

This may sound like just a little thing, but to live day to day holding in parts of who you are to avoid potentially looking foolish looks like this:

• Not sharing your own thoughts on Instagram/FaceBook, or even articles that speak to your heart, for fear someone might accuse you of not living up to the positive messages you want to share.

• Not jumping with joy on your happiest days for fear someone might judge your expression silly or be jealous of you because they aren't as fortunate that day.

• Turning down the volume in your car on YOUR FAVORITE SONG as you drive by people walking their dog because they might think your song is dumb.

• avoiding leadership opportunities because with leadership there's a much greater risk of being seen if you goof and look foolish.

This list goes on and on... living this way is ridiculous, unnecessary, and frankly it's foolish to try and avoid looking foolish!
So that's my main intention for March (2016). To practice risking looking foolish. Every time I sense resistance to sharing myself...I'm going to listen closely and see if it's just this old mental background bullshit telling me to stay safe and small so as to not risk potentially looking foolish. Then I'm going to take a deep breath and make myself do what I wanted to do anyways...share the post, jump for joy, blast my music, etc.

I'm going to practice, practice practice feeling comfortable with my discomfort. I want out of this avoidance habit. I want to live out loud, comfortable with my own humanness, including occasional foolishness, and in all of my fully expanded humble glory.