Ahoy mateys! Reverend Rum, literal pirate and the world’s foremost ornithologist, here with an excitin’ lesson in bird science fer ye. I’ve been gone on a scientific expedition over the past month to study one of the most fascinatin’ animals on the planet Earth: woodpeckers (fer science). Well I finally returned from me trip, so today I’ll be learnin’ ye some bird facts, me ‘earties!

Amazin’ woodpecker facts:

Woodpecker fact #1: Did ye know that the woodpecker comes from the family Picidae? Very interestin’. The reason fer this is because ye can pick a day, any day, and ye can spot a woodpecker. Shiver me timbers!

Woodpecker fact #2: Woodpeckers enjoy bangin’ their heads on trees, and pipes, and dirt, and other woodpeckers. I sat down with one of these magnificent birds (named Woody) and asked him why they bang their heads. He said they really enjoy listenin’ to heavy metal on their tiny little woodpecker iPods.

Woodpecker fact #3: Woodpeckers smash their heads on things at 1000G! That’s 1000 times the force of gravity (approx 9800 meters/second/second). Hulk, in comparison, can only smash at 483g (or 572g is he’s really into it).

This is the second strongest smash in the universe, dwarfed only by the smash of the mantis shrimp, which has been recorded smashin’ the laws of physics.

Woodpecker fact #4: The woodpecker’s tongue is incredibly long, ends in a sharp spear, and inextricably wraps around the outside of its skull. I asked Woody (not the same Woody from woodpecker fact #2, all woodpeckers are actually named Woody, it has somethin’ to do with veneratin’ their woodpecker god or somethin’, Woody didn’t really want to get into it, he seemed busy) why they have such odd tongues, and he simply replied “it’s metal af” and sauntered off.

Woodpecker fact #5: Woodpeckers do not possess magic powers, unlike a certain Herculean best friend bird of mine, God rest his soul.

Woodpecker fact #6: Havin’ lived amongst the woodpeckers fer the last month, they eventually accepted me as one of their own and gave me a place in their woodpecker society. Woodpeckers are not only highly democratic birds, but they’re quite wary of strangers. It was only after I donned a woodpecker costume and wrapped me tongue around me skull that they let me into their lives. It was not werth the metamorphosis, I can tell ye that, mateys. All woodpeckers want to do is talk about and smash their heads on literally anythin’ they can find. It’s nigh impossible and super confusin’ to hold a conversation with them because they all have the same names. It gets old quickly.

Lookin’ back on me time with the woodpeckers, I can only say that as intriguin’ as these birds are, they got nothin’ on parrots, and I’m glad to be back aboard The Maiden’s Desire and am lookin’ ferwerd to swashbucklin’ across the vast seas once more.

Me only hope is that me experiences wer as enlightenin’ fer ye as they wer fer me.

Sources: Search Giphy fer "woodpecker". Everythin' else I made meself.