Ahoy, me hearties! Reverend Rum, literal pirate and Steem’s foremost subject matter expert on booty, here with a pirate anecdote. I’ve received multiple requests to hear how I lost me foot (lookin’ at you wit me one good eye, @underground, @c0ff33a, and @dynamicgreentk). Well rest assured, mateys, I’ll be regaling you with the tale in this very post!
Let me set the scene:
It be calm night. No wind. Skies clear. Me ship be stuck in the doldrums. The crew be restless. Gunner Sergio and I be in the mess hall eating a big bowl of Appley Jacks and playing Magic the Gathering, a favorite game of all pirates. I’m winning (of course). Jimmy the Cook was in a pleasant mood and did some of his breakdancing to cheer up the men.
First mate Mark bursts through the saloon doors with news!
“Oh hi Mark.”
“Captain, there be a merchant ship!”
“No way. Is it close?”
“And how! 1 naut, port!”
The crew scurried outside.
I held up me looking glass and squinted me one good eye. There it was: a fat little merchant ship just asking to be raided. Unassuming.
“RAISE THE FLAG YOU SALTY SWASHBUCKLERS! IT’S BUSINESS TIME!”
“YO HO CAPTAIN!” the crew chanted.
Side note: I love it when me crew chants that.
Sergio trained our mega cannon on the merchant ship.
Roger was already in the crow’s nest. “ROGER! IT’S TIME TO ROCK!” Roger revved up his flamethrower guitar (we’re big Fury Road fans aboard The Maiden’s Desire. We watch it every Friday night on movie Fridays).
Helmsman Steve faced our broadside to the merchants.
I grabbed the mic.
“AVAST! Today be y’er unlucky day, me hearties! Today ye meet y’er fate at the hands of The Good Reverend!”
The merchants stood on deck and made obscene gestures at us. Their audacity intrigued me; I thought maybe after the raid was done, I may find a few new crew amongst those plucky dogs. Otherwise the disrespectful curr would be walkin' the plank!
“Prepare to board!”
And that was when me pirate senses began tingling. It was a trap!
Me arch nemesis, Captain Hernandez of the Fourteenth Spanish Armada, emerged from below the deck.
“Enrico! I should’ve known it was ye!”
“Yes, you should have, and for your insolence you shall pay dearly!”, he said in his stupid, squeaky soundin’ voice.
“Think again, Captain. I have ye surrounded.”
“No, it is you who should think again, Rum.”
More men popped out from behind barrels. They had guns. This was no merchant ship; ‘twas a decoy! Hernandez twirled his dumb mustache and chuckled.
“You’ve nowhere to run now, Rum. Your days of being the greatest pirate in all the universe are over.”
“Haha”, I guffawed.
“What’s so funny?”
“You thought you fooled me? Fool! You’ve been the one who’s been fooled!”
That’s when I sprung me own trap! “Alright me hearties! Show me some love!”
Hernandez’s “crew” trained their rifles on the dumbfounded dummy. “But men, why!?”
“Who do ye think be the most feared pirate around, matey? It be me, and y’er “loyal” crew knows it. Respect and duty may take you far, but the feared man is the most powerful.”
“I beg you, Reverend Rum. Spare my life. My wife Matilda will be giving birth to our new baby boy any day now.”
“I’ll let ye go home to y’er family, Enrico, but on one condition.”
“Name y’er firstborn son ‘Rummy’, and tell him the tale of how his namesake spared his father on this fateful day.”
“He will be honored to know from whom his name comes, Rum. God bless you.”
We shook hands, but me hand is a hook and it stabbed Enrico right through his hand. A scar to remember our encounter by (in addition to having to raise a son named after his sworn enemy, haha!).
Both ships sailed back to port, and I let the despondent Hernandez off to his family.
“All ye men who wish to sail with The Maiden’s Desire, say AYE!”
“AYE!”, yelled each and every sailor previously under Capt. H.
We may not have plundered any booty from that merchant ship, but I got something even more valuable: loyal crew.
A few days later, I had to have me foot amputated by the doctors aboard a hospital ship I encountered. Turns out I stepped on a splinter aboard the merchant ship and me foot had become gangrenous. Pirate ships arrrrn’t the most sanitary of places.
I hope that clears up any confusion about how I lost me leg.
Walking on a wooden peg can be difficult at times. If ye ever see a pirate having a difficult time walking, just politely ask if ye can be of assistance. Ye may get a hook in the gut, but sometimes, just sometimes, you’ll find someone who is truly grateful for the help. Keep that in mind.
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