Yielding to a Cocoon of Slumber
In my last post I spoke about the importance of reaching out.
When I pressed the 'Post' button, while I was hurting, it was not my intention to reveal this to my readers.
Then again, when I read it again I cannot help but wonder at how I had missed the cry for help that was so obviously embedded. I now feel that I owe an explanation.
Well... ultimately I have not been feeling too great.
The energy that I might have otherwise allocated to smiling has been a little lacking and my energy levels in general have been low.
How low? Low enough to start dosing off in front of my computer - a short time after having taken a nap. Low enough such that the very process of breathing seems like a laboured effort. When every movement made via any of my limbs proves to be an exercise in economy.
It might be that the 'stomach flu' that I am recovering from might have something to do with all that - but there is something more.
It is not a sense of sadness as much as it is that of hopelessness.
I do wonder if it is akin to depression.
On the one hand I do desire to fall asleep - again.
On the other hand I have no desire to harm myself (still kinda immune to that).
One thing that I am increasingly aware of is that I am failing to live up to the term "Path Forger", which I coined more than a decade ago.
I feel that my works have had too little of an impact to warrant self-identification as such. At the same time I am loathe to abandon it. It helps to provide me with direction quite independent of my ability to reach any destination desired.
The chasms lie, too wide to leap across or bridge - and I sense the aura of fail lingering. And as I sense it so do others sense it.
And so in a sense I reside within a black hole of insignificance beyond which little attraction escapes, collapsing upon the self as others simply go on with their lives - being significant.
I almost feel jealous.
I think that I'll yield to that desire for sleep now.
I ask for your patience. It is my hope to get to the light at the end of this tunnel.
If you have any comments that you would like to share then I will join you down in the comments secton below.
Sincerely,
Previous Post: It is Sometimes OK Not to be OK
Now my friend!
I am immensely happy that you have reached out and spoken to us in the Steem community instead of just internalizing your thoughts. It is sometimes easier to talk to friends who don't actually know who you are. It would appear to me that there is something NQR at the moment and it needs to be sorted. Not mental health - the symptoms you described do not include self harm etc. But you need a full physical assessment from a GP (who is good) to see what is happening. It may be a Fatigue Syndrome, or it may be caused by a number of different other issues ie. anaemia or electrolyte imbalance.
Whatever the case - get it assessed and let me know how you go!!
Stay well!!
Thank you @mysecondself01 ^_^
Seeing as I'm still not particularly good on energy levels after a night's rest - I'd have to agree that there is something more going on. I do have an inkling but but certain things are best left off a blockchain. I have already broken the unspoken rule about not ever revealing one's vulnerability upon the blockchain. ^_^;;
Thank you again, and I hope to let you know once my inklings are confirmed or dismissed.
I understand this pain all too well.
I, too, once wanted to make an impact to the world, you know, a grand discovery, a selfless gesture, anything of the sort - to start changing the world.
I guess I had no idea what the word ' world ' meant to me at the time.
Once I redefined ' world ' not as ' the world ', but as something more intimate - a sphere encompassing myself, my family, my friends, the people I care for - that's when I started feeling better.
I guess this happened because I could affect more people in this world of mine, and forge a path to each and every one of them, and with them, forge other ones so that we can change one another, and our surroundings.
You can also redefine your intimate world, your personal world, your job-related world, your friend-circle world, etc, but once step at a time.
This is how I started to identify a self that had a place in ' a world ', but not ' the world ' . I guess this is also the time when I stopped having favorites, as in favorite singers, movies, etc., but that's another topic.
In short, if you feel like you're failing to live up to a nickname you've given yourself a decade or so ago, there are two things, IMHO, that you can do - either change the term, or redefine what it means.
Or, redefine your world. Not everything you do needs to be significant in the eyes of onlookers. I bet that you are super significant to your loved ones, friends and family alike, you probably just need to pick and choose who to keep in your world.
Not everyone is needed in there, you know.
What I speak of may not be totally in line with your problems lined out in this post, but it has helped me get rid of emotional messes before, and a keep a lid on that depression that is always lurking.
Anyway, stay well, and do tell how you feel. Big hugs.
Thank you, @akiofthemitovski. :c)
You blew me away with this comment.
And the below is how effective I felt that it was in breaking down my mental blocks. ^_^
Source
Seriously - perhaps I do need to step it down a notch - stop aiming to be globally significant and such.
Thank you again. This helped as for the first time today I feel relatively at ease. 'Big hugs' :c)
I'm glad my comment had an impact akin to breaking a stack of concrete slabs with one's forehead, :D
Get some good night's sleep, and think it through.
Your world, your rules. That's it.
Very amazing work, I did not know you knew how to do this kind of work. So very talented. Miss you and hope you are well! xx
Thank you for the compliments @eaglespirit :c)
In truth I 'don't' draw... but I was driven to do so nonetheless.
I am feeling much better now - and I have a rather important post coming up. :c)
Thanks again. ^_^
Hey, where have you been? Happy Valentine's Day! xx
I need to draw too, even though I do not. Sometimes we surprise ourselves. My recent writings, was me stepping out of the box. LOL
I can't wait for your important post. Yay!
Blessings.xx
And I hope that you had a lovely Valentine's Day also! :c) 'hugs'
I personally feel that a soul inadequately expressed can never have too many means of self-expression... and even one well expressed can benefit from an alternate means of such every now and again. :c)
It is my hope to delve more into drawing in the future - and not for reasons of emotional turmoil. ^_^
It is my expectation that I shall post it sometime tomorrow. And if not - then Saturday (I am trying to be less hard on myself for not posting daily ;c)
Ah okay gotcha! As much as you right, for some reason I thought you posted everyday. I hope you are well and staying healthy. Take care of your health. Do you have a beach you can go walk on?
Drawing would be great! xx