A Truthful Autobiography: The Hell Of A Religious Upbringing, Sexual Abuse, School Suffering & So Much More... Part 2

Here's her continued autobiography. A caution to readers, it's heart-wrenching!

medicaldaily.com

Once my baby brother came home with my mother, I was delighted to do things with him although I was not allowed to handle the baby without my parent’s supervision. As my brother grew we originally had a bond, we enjoyed playing and entertained ourselves, sharing toys and our imagination. However this did not last long as my little brother ended up having a very good bond with one of the older brothers. I was left with no one.

I learnt to play by myself, I had a great imagination. I had many role plays I worked with; the American Indians, how they lived on the land, respected the animal world and spirits and the freedom they once had. Oh the fascination of the ancient Egyptians, the seductive wear of the day, the desert and the Arabian horses and of course Cleopatra. Then naturally the 1870’s, which was perhaps my most desired dream. The fashion, still to this day is what I would prefer. The fullness of the skirt at the rear emphasising the voluptuous derrière and complimenting the plunging neckline with off the shoulder sleeves. The top hats, ascot tie, watch chain and all the trimmings were such a beautiful match to the elegance of that time.

I romanced about their courting, dancing in such luxurious mansions, the walks in parks and the simplicity but nobility of travel; the horse and cart. These passions of mine kept me well busy every day. I now did not feel so lonely and I soon forgot the fear and pain of the exposure I had been subjected to just before my brother’s birth.

Soon came my first day of kindergarten, I was terrified and wouldn't leave my mother's side however I was forced off my mother and into the class weeping and screaming. I wasn’t even permitted my teddy for comfort; my mother was given it and told to take it home with her. You see, I seemed to be behind most if not all other kids of this year. I recall my mother saying later in life that the teachers thought this was because I must have been spoiled being the only girl of five. They called this “princess syndrome”. Due to this my mother made sure I always had chores or duties to do. However, sadly no one took in consideration that I was nearly a year younger than the rest.. being born late in the year my development was behind the others. Now the education board has seen their folly and have acknowledged the big age gap a year can mean.

My only recollection of kindy was getting up to use the communal pencils and feeling sheepish collecting them as there were others taking what they wanted and as I still couldn’t speak too well I just waited until everyone was gone so I could just pick up the left overs and then I would hide the work I was doing as I felt it wasn’t good enough. I already knew from all the “special” tests I had to do that I was behind all the other students. I didn’t learn as they did, I couldn’t speak as they did, I had to try hind my imperfection.

I did make some friends that went through with me to year two. Coming from a very strict religious family, I wasn’t allowed to interact with my peers outside of school. You see I had to be home and I had to have people around me who were of that religion as people who weren't of that religion could be a bad influence on me. Hence my imagination was very active and it was my only true loyal friend.

The role plays are still a part of my life today, I still find much comfort in them as I did as a child and I am approaching 30. All my life my parents have viewed me as immature and one example they would give is because of my imagination and role playing. Sad, as really they were a big cause of this.

Now my parents realised when I was going through year 1 that I was not catching up to the rest of my peers as was first indicated would happen. They hence requested that I should redo that year, however the school board said that it is not what is done, so I went onto year 2. When year 2 was done the school board and my parents decided that I was definitely behind and that I had to repeat year 2.

I remember the first day of that year. I was outside the class, the same class that I was in the year before but with all different boys and girls. My mother was with me trying to coax me into the classroom but I would not go, I could not go, not now “not now that everyone knew how dumb I was, I couldn't even pass the grade” I thought. I wouldn't be able to make friends, I'd be an outcast.

I cried and I cried. It took a long time for both my mum and the teacher to be able to get me into class but by this time class had already started. I remember while I was sitting there with my mum crying a girl came out of the class to get something out of her bag, she was a blonde-haired blue eyed cutie I thought. She gave me a little smile, I saw the compassion in her eyes, it gave me a little hope and after a little while I was able to get up and go into class. She was sitting there at her table a few rows in. As I was directed to my table I glanced at her, she looked at me with the same compassion as she did before. I sat silently, head down hoping to just get through the day.

I became best friends with the blonde haired blue eyed little cutie. I loved her friendship; I loved being so close to another human being. However our friendship was an on and off one, we would be friends one day and enemies the next. It was the biggest pain I had ever experienced back then. All I wanted was her to be my forever happy ever after best friend, something that I had never had; and now I could only experience it along with such excruciating pain, I was only 7.

The bitching, the talking, all the bullying that happened in the next 3 years minimised any confidence that I may have had. Perhaps part of the reason why our friendship was always an on and off relationship was that she may have not felt that I truly liked her as we were never able to have a friendship outside of class, due to the strict rule of my parents believing that those not of the faith are a bad influence.

Now when the decision was made that I was to be put down I also had to attend a class in the special education section. This is where people who have intellectual, physical and psychological disabilities are sent to be educated. So once again I was different to the rest of my peers. I would be asked by other students why I had to go there, what was wrong. Back then those who had disabilities were still only just being integrated, so it wasn’t all that normal for me to go into their classes instead of the regular glass with my peers.

It did not help with my confidence, well really I had none, I just learnt to show people what or who they expected I should be. I did not benefit from these classes as it was not an appropriate learning workshop for me. In fact it was a cause of much guilt and fear as there was a boy who was in these classes that manipulated me into doing things that I had no desire to do.

At morning and lunch breaks I had to meet him in the bushes, I had to touch his penis and his bum and he had to be allowed to touch me too. He would put his genitals on me where he wanted, there was no penetration but I had to satisfy him. When in the classroom I had to sit next to him, he made me sit next to him, he would make me put my hand in his pants and the only time a teacher noticed this all that was done was she told me off and said never to do it again, however this boy still somehow controlled me.

One day my sweet blonde haired blue eyed friend made me have lunch with her and she stayed with me the whole break, which meant the boy could not come up to me and take me to the bushes. However back in class he was angry at me and demanded why I did not attend. I made some excuse and managed to get out of that situation. Then either I didn’t have to attend these classes any more or he had left that school. I can’t really remember how it all stopped but I think it may have been his departure.

When year six came around, the class I was in was split in two and my cute sweet blonde blue eyed friend was no longer in my class, our on and off friendship came to an end. I spent year 6 as a loner, only occasionally interacting with some other peers, there now were only superficial friendships left.

In year 7 I went to school only for a few months, I found the teacher was not fair and bullied me for not being able to read and do maths. I told my parents and their answer was to take me out of school and I was home schooled. I was home schooled for 2 years. But my mother has a quick temper so there were many days where I would be crying and miserable all because I couldn't work out either a maths sum or read a particular word.

There were times that I was glad I was home schooled as I was able to experience some things I would never have if I was back at school. As I had no confidence and I was a shy girl, being home was often comforting. I could go into my room and let my faithful and loyal friends free, my imagination.