The art of the deal....Advanced edition. PART 1....comedyopenmic #31

I'm only giving this advice after one of my long time students, Donald - told me just how much I have helped him in the long relationship that we have had together.

I want nothing more than to help others in anyway possible - and always at reasonable rates..

Lets get stared, shall we...

If you believe in the old 'customer is king' crap... leave the room now, please.
This is for advanced sales people only.

I will use my lackey's boyfriends new wargaming tabletop rules and game as an example.

Lesson 1

Honesty is always the best policy.

Lying is the second best one.

Stealing is not advised as this isn't actually doing business - it's committing crime. (Inventory does last longer, though...)

***Check out my ebook

' Thinking of theft as a career ? Get a government contract in anything!'

...you'll find lots of useful information there, for those wishing to use theft as a lucrative business model.

Lesson 2

Establishing a rapport with your potential customers is essential!

I find the most successful way is to insult them to the point of violence or emotional breakdown.
You need their undivided attention.
A swinging metal bar headed in your direction? - Perfect!
You are already closer to making a a sale.

Is your potential customer is in a heap crying? Perfect !
Give him a cuddle, (with a nice flash of some cleavage), and you can nearly hear those cash registers already ringing..

Step one achieved.

I never sell anything to women - ever. This doesn't mean it's not a good idea - I just don't like them too much..(as a potential customer, not a gender!). Their habit of asking for refunds is very annoying - and my bail fees costs money!
My entire empire has been built on the male customer.
Hand made suits, brothels, porn, cars. If it has testicles , Ill get them to empty their wad.
Always sell to the market you know.

So using my lackey's boyfriends game, I'll give you some examples guaranteed to make sales by breaking down the psychological health of your potential customers.

My lackey boyfriends NEW WARGAME

The sell...

Do you want to buy a war game? But don't know where to find one, and you feel way too stupid to ask about such a nerdy pastime?
Do you feel stupid not understanding what the war game is about and what it can do for you personally,AND your children's intelligence, and your families happiness in general?

Do you feel all round inadequate, as a provider for the intellectual stimulation for you and your family?...and don't know where to turn?

Do you feel inadequate as a male , by letting your children just sit in front of a TV or smartphone, and just sit there, watching their young brains dissolve into mush, daily?

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE ALL THAT? - AND FIND A REASON TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY ARSE AND INTERACT WITH THE SEED OF YOUR LOINS?

Well then - I have just the thing for you...!!!!!
(and stop sniveling, it's embarrassing..(for the 'cleavage shot' deal, see below)

You could be playing fun tabletop battles with them. You could be educating them in hundreds of essential qualities needed as an adult.
Don't you wish to finally be the man of the house? And not a slave to technology, like your children are right now? Take back your parental rights!
Wouldn't you like to see respect in your children's eyes, instead of disdain?
Flicking between the next Netflix program every night, that you are all going to watch - and seeing their poor little enthusiastic eyes dim in disappointment at their dads lethargy?
Seeing their dad as less than a 'real man?'

Don't you wish your wife would look at you 'in that way' again?
Win a major military campaign with your kids, and your wife won't have a headache that night!
(and she will probably cancel her 'beauty appointment', too)

DON'T YOU WISH TO FEEL LIKE REAL MAN AGAIN?

I REST MY CASE, AND AWAIT YOUR WARGAMING GAME, ORDERS...

In part 2 I'll show you how sex sells - always. (and at varying rates)

For example - When you order your first war game..

Soldiers, buildings, rules and maps (and other stuff, I dunno), from my lackey dear boyfriend, wouldn't you like to know who lovingly spread their juices all over your soldiers and buildings?
('juices' is a technical term that incorporates all liquids including acrylic and oil based paints, water, PVA glue, superglue, polystyrene cement, varnish, to name but a few..)

When you order your armies, I will be getting the help of some sexy 'bar girl', friends of mine who have artistic flair AND WOULD LOVE to help my lackeyboyfriend assemble the finished products for you.
Not only will you feel like real man again, but by helping poor bar girls have a night away from the misogynistic environment of the bars, you start being a man again, even before you have received the game!

This product just keeps on giving, in so many different ways!

And I know how real men, like to behave like real men. Us real girls, like that too!
Help my girls, boys!
Help my friends!

.
So you can rest assured that while you are re fighting Gettysburg with your kids, you can be aroused at the same time!
Looking at your model soldiers, knowing exactly whose juices are all over you tabletop.
( A signed photograph of the model who painted your models will be available, in any pose you like - for a small fee).

Your wife will also be incredibly happy with your new purchase.
5 hours of tabletop fighting and your frustration, will make her one very happy lady indeed, later on...

Imagine...
The kids, fast asleep, from walking around a tabletop game for several hours ( approximately 347 miles distance in linear measurement.).
Imagine...
The kids - catatonic from mental tiredness. (Thinking for themselves, and making decisions for their selves in a battle - takes all their energies!( instead of a pre programmed brain melt computer game ).
Imagine...
A quiet house, and you - a husband- , who's been thinking about an Asian beauty for the last 8 hours, the one who spread her juices all over your rod. (the chopsticks used for figures in the war game are called 'rod' - it's a technical term).

You will have one very happy wife in the morning.
(and she will probably cancel her 'beauty appointment', - once again!).

So what's not to like about buying this product, and giving me your money?

I win, you win, your children win.... and your wife wins...

Buy! buy! buy! - (I love you long time.)

ONLY $66 dollars for the full game, entire game. (tabletop not included, idiots!)
Patriot wants to to sell it for $45, and make no profit - but he's also an idiot. $20 dollars for 50 hours work? I wouldnt do it, but he has some weird philosophical thing going on...but he's an idiot. I just want the money.

I want to sell it for at least $100 but he won't let me... My lackey dear boyfriend, is rebelling!.

/*** Cleavage shot special! - See me spread my juices over your rod - all with my sexy cleavage exposed - only $5 extra!Minimum 3 photos, signed.)

_ $15 extra for signed photo of the model bar girl, who helped paint your tabletop armies with her juices.._

Soy boys and men who like pastel colors will be subject to a surcharge of 50%, for being pathetic.

Please allow 2 weeks for painting and construction of the buildings.
(and an extra day if you want a photograph of the model who helped us, signed personally, and with your name on it , or any name you like..)

Any sexual arousal in the presence of your children is not our liability.
Any reference to the models used in the painting of your armies is strictly between you, and consenting adults.

And disclosure of this is breach of contract - to any minor under 18 years old - and is subject to me arriving on your doorstep unannounced, with my friends....
And you really don't want that, I can assure you...

Where are my war game orders, boys?

....I'm waiting...Don't keep me waiting...
(steem, litecoin - or anything else really - accepted.)

oh, part 2 cancelled..

...I've pretty much covered the main points.

I'm not sure who to nominate...so i'll do @belemo and @dexterdumb ....they look like they need some playtime...