Toxic friends...

I thought he was a friend of mine, I really did.
Only later did I realize the opposite to be true.

He was always with me, always giving me information to help me in my life.

The thing is, friends come and go throughout your life. They are not fixed.
Depending where you are in your life - who could have been a friend last year, not so this year.
You change, people change, nothing is fixed.
Except change.
Change is a constant in life....

When I left the UK to travel Europe my friend was with me. At first.

I had left my 'old life' for less than twenty four hours, and was already suspicious of my friends motives, and any positive input in my life.
Like I say, things had changed, I had changed. His place in my life had changed.

As the white cliffs of Dover faded away into the past, a thought crossed my mind. One I had never had before. It was a radical thought at the time.

Throwing my friend into the gray sea! Just like that!

'Am I going crazy'? I thought to myself. I had never had these kind of thoughts before.

I could picture throwing him into the depths, watching his face cover over with water, hands moving ineffectively, ..as he descended into the ocean, never to be seen again....

I felt bad about it, but I must admit, it did excite me a little.

I didn't throw him over into the depths of course. My courage didn't stretch that far.
Not then anyway.
A step too far.

...So we traveled onward, still together - exploring this new world of adventure.

As the days progressed I stated to regret not throwing him overboard into the watery depths!!

It now looked like a mistake. I started to feel real resentment.
He became a hindrance in my life, not an asset.
But my emotional attachment to him just wouldn't let me ditch him. I felt a loyalty to him and the history we had together.

But it happened anyway. We couldn't go on like this. Our relationship had changed.
The value he used to offer me had evaporated.

I realized he had nothing to offer me anymore.

Then one night he was just... 'gone'. Disappeared. Not even a goodbye.

I felt strangely sad when he was first gone.
Not because he wasn't in my life anymore – that was a light headed feeling – but I realized he was symbolic of my past life, and this life I had now didn't include him.

I went looking for him for a while. .
But in truth it was a halfhearted search. I didn't want to find, him in all truth.

We had gone our separate way forever, I now realized - my emotions mixed.

I went to sleep for the night, waiting to see how I felt about things in the morning.....

Waking up as usual, my first instinct was to look at my friend – It had been a habit for years, every single morning.
It was instinct, not desire.

He wasn't there!
It struck then that he really had gone forever.

Both elated and sad, I continued on my journey alone...

And soon I forgotten all about him....like he never even been part of my life. Even in my life.
Without him I felt free.
It was like suddenly losing a weight that I never knew I was carrying...

And I have have never worn a wristwatch since.

I don't miss my time captor, who once posed as my friend.