I haven't got a title ......Ireland trip...Part..5b

......My epiphany was not 'a moment'. Not a single defining second or two.

It was nothing that dramatic.

No.... mine took the form of a long slide into beer swilling intoxication, then followed by a dip into flesh exploring hedonism and then , upon resurfacing up to the fresh air of sobriety.... a hangover from hell.

I had also brought something back with me from my immersion into hedonism and worldly pleasures....

...It wasn't a destroyed liver, or even a dose of the clap.

No, it something not of this world....

I had gotten myself a tattoo!

Not your run mill of the mill 'skin scratch', oh no...I had gotten a proper tattoo...

It was on my soul, not on my skin.
I couldn't just go and get it removed. It was there.... forever. Indelible.

It simply said .

'Live your life'

And it was there.... forever. With me forever. I felt it to the depths of my being.

My world was tipped upside down, inside out, and twisting sideways - all at the same time.

It was a very similar feeling to being on the wildest roller coaster ride you can possibly imagine - but without the vomit.
(Well, a little vomit actually - With three days of almost no food, and a very liquid diet, what do you expect?)

My 'old life' now just seemed like a play to me now.
One in which I was acting in, and I was playing a role in.

It was not life itself.
It was a shadow of reality.

A mockery of reality as I now saw it...

I could see myself acting my part. I was now a part of the audience , looking at my own part in this play.

And I didn't like what I saw. Not one bit.
It was shit play, to be honest.

.... I no longer wanted to be an actor.

I no longer wanted to go through the motions of pretending.

Everything that was real and important to me only 72 hours before, now seem completely ludicrous, farcical and totally irrelevant....

I wanted to be me, full time.
And I was going to be me - full time- come what may.

This was my new reality....