My Apologies for Being so Inactive.. Depression is Kicking my Ass.
I'm hurting.. And have been hurting for a while now. Ever since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up a few months back I've been struggling immensely to make it through the day to day.
My motivation and ambitions have shit-tanked as of lately under the added stress.
I'm sorry to the STEEM community for not being able to keep my head in a place where I can work and survive properly. I fear if I cannot shake this rut I will end up not being able to pay my bills and end up on the streets again. The uncertainty and pain I've been consumed by has left me scrambling to figure out how to move forward from this. I feel hopeless.
Part of me realizes this is an opportunity to better myself, but a greater part of me just wants to die it feels like. Generally I'm never in the dumps very long.. But this time is different. My very soul aches and I don't know how to heal it. I'm unsure of the steps to take towards happiness. :/
Going to try and focus on making my life more fufilling and less sad from the day to day I guess. The forlorn feeling I have isn't something I have the energy to deal with.
Vote @klye for Witness!
( Currently Holding Down Rank #22 ... W00T!)https://steemit.com/~witnesses
A Proud STEEMbassador of Canada
Thank you for your votes, the opportunity and support!
FUCK DEPRESSION
I fight it often enough to know the pain. Yeah. Everything hurts. Don't apologize for being inactive. We're here to help you power through.
Full Metal Alchemist. Damn good anime!
Thanks Merej99. You are a sweetheart.
Hang in there! This shit's not easy... I had "The Black Dog" living with me for many years. When I was most isolated, I used to just "vomit" it all into my journal... then I'd take the pages outside and burn them. After a while, I didn't need to, anymore... I just wrote. Then I started writing about the experience and it helped others... no schedule; it just happened.
A lot of people here at Steemit care and are here for you.
Thanks Denmark guy.
Steemit is the only supports I have right now it feels like. :/
I am struggling to write something here that won't sound trite. It's hard to do this via typed words on a screen. So I will just keep this as simple as honest as possible. I have been there man. I know no-one can feel exactly how you do but I reached my version of bottom over twenty years ago. There are some cliches that people will throw at you right now "time will heal", "you will learn form this and come out stronger", "humans are strong enough to endure far more than we think", "you will end up far happier in the ing run". There is a reason these are all cliches... it's because they are true. I experienced it first hand. It was really fucking hard but if you fight and stay strong, you will see each of those cliches become reality. If you can just focus on one day at a time and just make it through that day, then the next, then the next you will be ok. For me it was finding one positive thing to do each day. If I could just commit to doing that one positive thing and then I actually followed through it really helped. Maybe your positive thing is art. Maybe it is helping a friend. maybe it is teaching someone to draw or writing some code. Whatever it is, please find it. It that doesn't do it, you could always just keep drawing funny pictures. Maybe knowing you are making others smile will be a start. Good luck man and hang in there. Be strong and fight. It will get better, but you have to fight and keep fighting until time can start to do its job.
I appreciate the share of experience and knowledge.
I just feel gutted and sort of empty. The worst part is, is that I know that I don't just get over this one.
We broke up 2 years prior and then got back together.. In those 2 years apart no amount of booze, drugs or women could take my mind off that girl.
Knew when we got together it would be for keeps or I'd end up like I am now.. My entire being aches.
I know plenty of people on here enjoy my work.. But I can't even get into the zone it seems anymore.
Time is the only thing that can help. Be strong and let time do its work. For some people drugs and booze actually slow down the process and increase the time it takes to heal. That may or may not be the case for you. Either way, its tough to speed up the process. You have a wound that needs to heal. You will heal. All you can do is be determined to fight and never give up until it does. I don't mean to get too personal, but maybe you will click with a counselor. There is no saying you can't get a little help in the healing process. There are some out there that are really good at what they do. I got a lot of help back in the day.
Councellors have never worked for me.. Took some psychology in school so when they psycho-analyze me I knowingly botch the thing. Never have been able to deal with shrinks and their psycho-babble-bullshit.
Life wants to kill you, before it rewards you. I have been to the lowest a person can get, i have been to hospital with blood not clotting due to the mass OD on pain killers intended to end it all....and it should have.
Some 20 years later, i never knew i would be in the place i am now, its like living in a new whole world, one thing after my really bad choice to "end it all" i vowed never to go back to such depths of despair and after leaving hospital, what could be described as a near death experience, i had some kind of strange new vigor, then lots of other bad things happened in my life, i lost the closet person in the world to me and once again i made another vowed as my Mum lay dying in the hospital bed.... to make her proud.
So roll forward to today and i do not quite understand how i got to the amazing, happy, place i am now, all i do know, is that i never gave in after that near fatal choice i made.
All i can say to you Kyle, is keep battling, you have to keep on battling on in life and one day things will swing back in your favour for good and i hope one day you can look back on your post and my post and think how true my words are.
You can do it, you can get past all these bad day and if you try your best and always keep the faith of believing one day, things will be amazing, you will be rewarded.
PS: the best thing i ever done was NOT to take anti-depressants, they are total BS. Keep clean dont take any crap the doctor gives you, just so they can get a nice % cut on all the drugs they push at people!
Make sure to post to me in 10-20 years from now. :O)
Damn man, Thank you for the share of experience.
I've never really considered pills as an option to off myself really. I'm remarkably resistant to drug overdoses some would say.. Probably due to my ridiculiously high tolerances from prior abuse when I was younger.
Glad to hear you made it through your dark times. I'm still unsure about what I want out of life or if it's even worth it moving forward. Shit sucks, it's sucked for a while and I know damn well this isn't something I just wake up fine from one day.
Anti0depressants are shit. I'd rather drink a gallon of bleach. lol
Welcome back @klye !
When you said: "My very soul aches and I don't know how to heal it." - you remind me of times when my soul was in pain, my heart was bleeding and almost anything could help or change it, no matter how hard I wanted it or tried to run away from it or even tried to run away from myself just to get rid of that drowning and suffocated feeling.
At the time I hated the most the expression heard from many, that somewhat wanted to help: "Time heals everything!" But it turns out it really does. Maybe not just the time but certainly time plays its role too.
On the other hand in such stage (at least it was for me like that) you don't have time even less strength to wait for that "time" to come cause you feel your whole been (heart, soul, and even body) would die before "the time" arrives.
As well at that stage, consciously or unconsciously we are torturing ourselves with all sorts of "whys" - Why me? Why to me? Why now? Why...? - and all sorts of "whats" - What did I do wrong? Wha should I do? What could I do? What...?
And most devastating is that all those questions don't have the answer or at least we don't know them, don't see them and can't reach them at that stage.
Good news is, all those questions, in fact, have the answer. The bad news is, those answers could only be seen from some distant point in the future. But, there is another good news. - It always turns out it was for some greater good! And if I may speak French - Such sheet happen to us to help us avoid much bigger (Himalayan size) sheet! - no matter how hard for each of us is to believe such "crap" might be true.
Because of all of that, a first thought that crosses my mind reading yours: "I'm unsure of the steps to take towards happiness." - was - Don't! - Don't try to walk toward happiness. Don't try to bring it back. It doesn't work that way! It's only useless waste of energy that would just pull you deeper down.
Forget yourself! Don't bother yourself with yourself. Turn your head on the other side. - Why? - If nothing else, because you are still YOU - no matter how you feel.
You are still the same nice, good, funny, playful, kind... person. You maybe lost something, but you didn't lose you neither your personality!
So, it turns out you are still rich, very rich in fact! As such, it means you have a lot to give! Remember that!!!
Therefore, go out (wherever it is) and bring happiness to others (from closest to most far ones) the way only you and nobody else can do it!
I promise you, you wouldn't need to take a single step toward happiness; you wouldn't need to make a slightest effort to bring it back. - It would come back to you by itself, - in the ways, shapes, forms, on the places and through the people you wold never imagine it could be possible!
Guaranteed! - And you would know it's true when you try it! 😊
Time doesn't heal losing the love of your life. Some people simply cannot be replaced.. The comfort and peace certain individuals in my life were able to allow me is something I'm probably never going to find again.
This is the second time Her and I broke up.. It was 2 years in between. I thought about her every day. I could have another woman in my arms cuddling and it wasn't the girl I was with that I was thinking of. It was my ex.
I'm struggling to even wake up and feed myself let alone go out and expend energy I don't have entertaining others. Not sure what the fix for this is. All that I know is that this is something that time doesn't heal. :/
Hi, I'm new here so I'd like to apologize in advance if this is overstepping but this video has helped me through some really bad times. It's better with headphones but still okay without them. I'm not sure if it will work as well for you as it does for me but it's worth a shot. I hope it helps.
Thank you for the share.
No problem, I hope it helps (even a little).
I know that feel men, you're not alone dude ! Even if my heart and my head are full of dreams, life is scary. If you don't earn enough money, society make you feel you don't deserve to live... Bullshit ! At least, with a community like Steem and with the blockchain technology we can feel hope ! Even if I feel very sad sometime, I'm still believing that life matter, life is beautiful ! Keep it up, I think that the next years are gonna be wonderful ! I see hope in a lot of alternatives, I trully think we have (as humanity) all the cards in your hands for transforming the society for the best ! Now is the right time ! You are on a good path !
Thank you Soush888. Really appreciate your spirit here.
It takes a lot to open up to the blockchain, kudos Klye, Heres some V.O.T.U. Music to cheer you up. Get better soon!
Being open about how I feel comes natural to me I guess.. Always been a bit more sensitive than most I know.
I'm no stranger to those feelings... spent a few years there back in the day.
Thanks for the honest post man.
Thanks Papa-Pepper for the supports man.
You're welcome @klye!
Be well my Canadian friend ! Your steemit community and followers love you , and you have our full support ! Sorry im broke and on EI right now but I will upvote and reasteem to help ! Great art work by the way , hehehhe 😂😂😂 I dont know how he doesnt topple over ! Haha !😂😂😂
Thanks Karen. I'm feeling pretty lost and defeated at the moment. Hopefully it gets better, if not I'm not sure what the hot hell I am going to do. Feelings are unbearable. :/
You will over come this in time ! Try to keep busy and your mind active on other things maybe , blog about things that make you happy and read some awesome or funny stories and just keep active it doing things here on steemit to take your mind off things that are depressing you , writ8ng a journal is a great idea as well ! Cheer up ! It does get better in time ! 😉👍