RE: The Burden Of Responsibility (Introspection)
Sometimes committing to inner change and real growth means going into the shadowy, dark places of our psyche's.
You suggest someone shouldn't ask for help unless they're going to do it. For me, it takes a lot of vulnerability for someone to ask in the first place, but anyone who has experienced addiction first-hand or lived with someone who is, we know it can take many, many times before they can walk away. And, at times, many of these merely substitute the next "healthier replacement," but have still not healed the original wound.
Yes, we may hold the key, but often can't find it--we try with great difficulty over a number of years and isolation becomes easy in a society that so highly values positive thinking. There are many who question the marginalization the movement of positivity inflicts.
I agree, that we must find an ability to be accepting, loving and happy with ourselves outside of being dependent on another, but also believe we're social animals, all with faults and that relationships are meant to mirror one another (like you and your ex). We are all "damaged" in some way, just as we are all divine.
I really can't argue with some of these points. Their valid points. I suppose it does sound rather cold to say one should truly want to make the change before seeking help, but I also understand how addiction is able to morph people's perception.
Speaking with a friend this morning I've known for ten years, who I met in addiction, is still in active addiction. Currently I live with him, and a couple others who are addicted to the same substance. I want to help them all, even though I know their not ready. Our conversation was yet another repeat of me breaking down to him how I perceive his life being destroyed by the chemical. As I used to do, he figured out every method in his mind to justify his use, and suggested he was happy in his current state. Him saying this contradicts his emotional roller coaster, and he struggles to solve his problems while maintaining active addiction. I know that his problems are largely due to addiction, and ultimately, the issues he needs to face.
Another friend I just got off the phone with. He was piss drunk and continues to relapse. I don't ever turn someone in crisis away, but it can be mentally taxing and draining when you know that a person cannot begin to heal until they put down the substance, and yes, addiction is very elusive. I have a year clean right now... I had two years clean in the past. They don't say cunning, baffling, and powerful for nothing.
Sometimes I break down in tears with these guys because I can't help them, or at least I feel like I cant.My friend asked me how the hell I do it, and I told him because I'm tired of my life being shit. Then he hit me with "are you happy"? My delay was enough for an inebriated man to say, of course your not.
It's hard for me, because I still have a lot of work to do. So it seems selfish to me for individuals to do this to me and not take any of my advice. But you know something? I did the same shit to others when I was drinking, so perhaps this is my way of working through my issues. Maybe seeing sickness all around myself is necessary for my growth, and maybe I'm meant to bear their burden of struggle. After all. These people have been there for me. I won't turn my back on them.
Thank you for your opinion. It holds much validity. Life is a work in progress. I will think of your words,or at least try to, when their stressing me out with their drama.
Hmmm. I see your point. First of all, congratulations on your sobriety! A year is a long time and especially when you're in such close proximity to friend's who are still actively using. For me, addiction has made maintaining boundaries very difficult. Though I do believe we must enter the shadow lands and that merely having a positive attitude isn't going to permanently solve our underlying issues, it is still okay to take care of yourself. If that means telling them not to ask for help unless they're serious about not using that might be exactly what you're supposed to be doing.
I am very into working with my dreams--both night and day and find my inner wisdom is more helpful than most outside advice. Might sound strange, but try interpreting this situation as a waking dream and ask your higher-dream self why the situation is unfolding in this way.
I've been trained to never presume I know what someone else's dream means and so I won't. But, in helping one another with dreams, my fellow dreamers and I preface by saying, if this were my dream (then we are free to project our own meanings and you can reject or accept based on how they feel to you). For example, if your waking dream were MY dream I would want to know what part of me feels tread upon by my friends and why? What can I do to make myself happier in my present, and newly clean reality? And, is my having been an addict mean I deserve to be surrounded by sickness and must fix others?
There is nothing wrong with extending ourselves to people, but when the energy exchange isn't equal, or we are giving so much of ourselves we endanger our own health (mental or otherwise) then it might be time to love and give to ourselves for a time. Remember to "father" those younger parts of yourself that also used substances to deal with trauma--they deserve your attention too. Perhaps, your example of self-love will be a help to your mates?
You sound like a great friend :)