This is where feelings end

  Hi ,guys! 

Today is a strange day for me. The day when I understood something very important for my current life and important for all the rest of it till my death. I reached the point where I can’t afford any stress. Not that I have to try to avoid it or something, I simply really can’t afford it anymore. Stress is a luxury. And I will tell you, why.

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The thing is – two weeks ago I started refusing medication, and it made me super vulnerable, more than ever. Refusing medication while having a mental illness is a tricky business, and this time something went wrong. 

I became super emotionally unstable. It seemed like every bad situation I had during all my life suddenly came back, and felt with same pungency as it was years ago. Even if it was 10-15 years ago. I already told here once that I have a brain like Sheldon Cooper from the big brain theory. No, unfortunately I’m not a genius physicist, but I have a mind that can’t forget. And it was super handy during educational process, but it’s a tragedy when you try to cope with stress situations. They simply don’t loose their meaning, they are as hard as they’ve been years ago. And they all attacked me at the same time.

I felt exhausted, offended, vulnerable, I couldn’t stop crying for a week. I was crying even while I was lifting weights at gym, it looked awful. But I couldn’t help it. At the same time I became 100% aggressive to everything, trying to protect myself from a non-existing threat. And this everything lead me to where I am at the moment, to the point where I no longer can afford stress. 

During last day I used all methods I know to make myself feel better and to separate myself from this instant stress. I was telling positive affirmations for two hours when trying to fall asleep, I went to yoga breathing class, I drank herbal tea and ate vegetables and some sweets as well, I got back to my meds. Cause I started been afraid to accidentally die where I stand. 

My heart stopped coping, so did my nerve system. I felt physically bad all the time, couldn’t breath, couldn’t process food, couldn’t have a focused look at anything. And all of a sudden I understood that I have to stop right now. Cause if I don’t it will literally kill me.  

So now I’m at the point where I put all my effort to ignore my bad minds and ignore all the world around me (while it makes me mad). But blogging doesn’t, so..  

See you in the next post!

Love, Inber